


REFLECTIONS

by intoxicated_by_our_lies, klismaphilia



Series: Original Works/Modern Setting [2]
Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Pronoun Usage, Cancer, Crying, Depression, Divorce, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gender Identity, Hospital Sex, Hospitals, Intersex, Intersex Pregnancy, M/M, Medical Trauma, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, Other, Past Domestic Violence, Phone Sex, Psychological Trauma, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unplanned Pregnancy, dub-con, emotional blackmail, sorry i fucked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:33:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 53,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6260458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoxicated_by_our_lies/pseuds/intoxicated_by_our_lies, https://archiveofourown.org/users/klismaphilia/pseuds/klismaphilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The existence of fate, destiny, and good karma has long since been considered controversial, but sometimes good things stem together from the worst of humanity." </p><p>Sometimes good things can come from the bad, Keon thinks. Even when those "good things" are possibly the worst things to ever happen to you. Even when it takes far too long to recover from trauma, so much so that they aren't really "good things".<br/>Akivya disagrees though- there are only good things. Bad things don't exist, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a world of pinks and blues

**Author's Note:**

> luckily for any readers, this story is already at 60k words, so we'll be posting chapters sporadically :) however it's still unfinished so... we'll see what happens.
> 
> also Haiden apologizes for his awkward use of pronouns... as Akivya's intersex, they/them would've made the most sense, but (baka klismaphilia) used he/him. :( he apologizes for all the awkwardness this will leave you with.

He absolutely hates it when he has to look in the mirror, because there’s dark circles rimming his eyes and his cheekbones seem more hollow than they did before and his head looks too bare to be real. He didn’t know when it was that his hair had finally gone, but the sight of all that… bald. It just didn’t seem right. It wasn’t festive, didn’t go with anything, and if anything, it just pissed him off _more._

 

He hated his reflection and he hated himself, because _this is why Yuki left me, this is why, I’m so fucking hideous, and I couldn’t even take care of all the plans for Christmas-_

 

Everything was getting to him these days, and Akivya wasn’t sure it was exactly a good thing. But what was, when he was so sick that his husband didn’t even want him? Of course, it wasn’t really his fault- that’s what all the nurses said at least- but at the same time… he missed it. It was Christmastime and he was getting a fucking divorce as his present.

 

It made him just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

 

Still, at least… it meant he had more options. There was that cute doctor that worked at the nurses station when he wasn’t doing visits up on the fifth floor. What was his name? Brinn? He was sexy. Blond and tall and just… yes. Maybe he was single. Maybe he’d-

 

_Who the fuck are you kidding, Aki? Nobody wants to be with someone like you._

 

Because it was so fucking stupid- that he was stuck here, practically weighed down by something he wasn’t in control of (normally a good thing, now… not so much) practically wasting away inside a fucking hospital. And he was going to die. It was the only thing the thirty-seven year old could think about- the impending doom of his imminent death. With any luck it would be soon… he hoped it would be soon, didn’t want to continue sitting around in a hospital bed, some strung out cancer patient that looked more like a junkie than a healthy human being.

 

He hated himself for it. He hated himself for… for everything. For everything, and all he wanted to do was lie in bed and cry for the rest of the day.

  
Stepping away from the mirror, the dark-haired man slowly made his way back to the disheveled bed, sheets and blanket pulled back, a bright pink pillow that was too worn lying on the wrong end of the bed… almost thoughtlessly, the man pulled it to his chest, pressing his face against the fabric. At least… at least the nurses had let him have some color in here. Even if it was just a pillow and some very pretty orange curtains he’d made himself. (He wasn’t, per se, _great_ at sewing, but it was better than most people; at least they seemed to hang nicely. He’d always worried about decorating.)

 

He wanted his room to look nice for the holidays… with any luck he’d be able to just… celebrate everything here. Be all happy and helpful for everyone and just… just make things pretty, make himself pretty again, because he felt so lonely and ugly and unwanted and it was getting to his head.

 

Absentmindedly, Akivya rubbed his fingers across a swollen bruise growing on his arm, before casting a glance to the window. It was snowing outside… again, as always. Beautiful white flakes, almost crystalline, drifting down from the sky like magic. He’d always liked snow. But he’d started to grow tired of it lately, when all the cold seemed to do was seep into his skin and make his bones ache and his head hurt.

 

The brunette pulled covers up over his body, making sure to huddle the blankets around his shoulders, lying on the bed curled up in a ball the way he used to do as a kid. He’d always been so scared then… scared of the dark, of dying, of losing everything…

 

Well, he was dying now. Nobody was going to tell him differently.

 

The simple thought caused a whimper to leave the middle-aged man’s mouth, pressing his face into the pillow as if it could make the salty tears running down his cheeks in rivulets, practically torrents, disappear. The thought alone was stupid- he was… he was so… he felt so alone. He felt so unwanted, so useless, so trivial, and _he just wanted to be happy_ and _was that so much to ask?_

 

The footsteps that echoed through the hall, stopping just outside of his door, did absolutely nothing to quell his discontent. Tears still fell from his cheeks, dripping over sharp cheekbones and leaking off of them, his entire head aching like it hadn’t in a very long time, too cold to even move because he was going rigid and he didn’t know if he could. Akivya wondered if this was what dying felt like. He wondered if this was what… what everything felt like.

 

He needed something- someone- to please. He wanted… maybe he could make someone happy. Someone here. It was the holidays, right? He was supposed to give back to the community- or whatever shit they were all prattling about now. So maybe… find someone lonely, like him, and cheer them up. He was good at doing that. At least, Akivya thought he was. He wasn’t entirely sure. After all, it wasn’t like he’d ever had much time for making friends.

 

He makes sure to wipe the tears from his face when the door swings open and the nurse enters the room and he simply coughs and greets her with a cheerful “Good morning! I missed you yesterday. I’ve been feeling so alone, bunbun.” He’s pleased when a smile crosses her features, almost teasingly, because _yes, they were friends_ and he wasn’t going to hurt that. “Are you going home for the holidays? I was thinking about seeing if- if my sister could come. I’ve missed her.” He adds, making sure to smile as he pushes the blankets down just a bit.

 

“Well, like you pointed out, it _is_ Christmas,” the nurse said, a smile on her face as she sets the little pill cup and a tiny glass of water on the bedside table. “Family is one of the most important gifts for the season. I think your sister would love to visit you.”

 

Akivya eyed the medicine- adriamycin and fludara- with a small frown before blinking again and looking back up to her, noting the excessive use of makeup she’d applied. _Husband?_ Figures. If he were a slightly meaner person, he’d probably make a remark about it- something snide, uncanny.

 

Instead he just smiles again. “Well, you know. They’re supposed to be filled with cheer and all that. I want at least someone to be happy. God knows I won’t be, if I’m still stuck in here. But at least I have all the wonderful medical experts to keep me company! Maybe I’ll get another round of chemo for a present.”

 

It sounds more spiteful than he’d wanted, but he can’t bring himself to hold his tongue right now. Instead, the man just grabs the pillow lying next to him again and pulls it to his chest. “Wish I had family who cared.”

 

“Akivya, it wasn’t your fault,” the woman says, pulling out the chair from next to the bed enough that she can sit there, look at him until the younger man feels heat growing in his cheeks and turns his head away.

 

“Tell that to my dickwad husband,” he replied with a glare, his bony arms suddenly more sore than they’d felt before. “But no matter. It’s almost New Years. It’ll be so much better! I have everything planned for… for later. And I’m making goals for myself- I think people should be happy. I’m gonna make everything better. Honestly, nobody needs a bit of hope more than people in this hospital- you think I can get flowers anywhere?”

 

* * *

 

 

Keon hated the sound of people being unnecessarily loud. It was so annoying, ‘specially considering they were in a hospital. Inconsiderate asshole.

 

Rounding the corner, he very narrowly misses colliding a rather short nurse leaving the room. Grumbling out an apology, he steps out of her way and looks into the room. It looked.. colourful to say the least. (Shittily made) Bright orange curtains hanged up on the only window, along with a man laying down with pink sheets. He smirked, amused on what he’s seen so far. While it’s not uncommon for him to see people decorating their rooms, it’s typically with familiar knick knacks and things like that. Pretty curtains and frilly sheets wasn’t something he’d seen… minding the younger residents’ rooms.

 

Moving into the room, he waits until the older looking man is clearly looking at him. He’s cute, a bit sickly looking, but otherwise he’d definitely fuck him. Once he did, he gave a light smirk, crossing his arms. “Nice sheets.”

 

He was _attractive._ That was the first thing that crossed Akivya’s mind looking at him- tall, goldish colored hair that looked like it would be really soft, eyes that sparked with a dark mirth and olive-toned skin, a few shades lighter than his own. And maybe it was that exact thought that caused the older man’s mind to go blank for a few moments, simply staring at the other with his cheeks growing redder by the moment before he finally says in a muffled voice.

 

“Um… hi.” And it’s embarrassing enough that the word ‘hi’ is the only thing he manages to get out, but then he comes to his senses and realizes that the guy had said something to him- _said. to him. something.-_ and he starts. “Oh! Yes, I made them myself. And the curtains! They’re cheery, like me. And everyone needs to be cheery.” As if to emphasize the point, he smiles, pressing the tips of his index fingers into his cheeks as he did so to emphasize it.

 

He waits a few moments to see if the man says anything else- he’s wearing a rather drab set of hospital scrubs from a different ward, something that doesn’t really click with him because he can never really remember which wards got which scrubs… but hey. Akivya was just lucky that he’d been in here long enough to have his own clothes.

 

“You wanna come in?” He asked, almost thoughtlessly, gesturing to the side table. “I got brownies! Only a couple though, cause any more would hurt my stomach, or whatever bullshit they’re spouting now. Yesterday was my birthday. I guess it was kinda fun. I don’t know. I like being- well- not here.”

 

“You and I both,” he carefully makes his way towards the man, very quickly looking behind him before sitting at the chair next to him. He seemed harmless… for the most part- a bit awkward, speaking too easy and loose lipped for him to really think that he liked him. Still.. he was getting rather lonely and the nurses seemed busy for poor ol’ him. He might as well make nice with the others, just like what the consular woman told him to do.

 

“What are you in for..?” he reaches his hand out to pick up a small photoframe of him and an older looking man. His father perhaps? Probably not.. considering the older man looked asian, and his hands were gripping a rather hard looking boner. Throwing a look at the boy going through his dresser drawer, humming in between talking about something he didn’t really care to listen to. “Boyfriend give you a fissure?”

 

It was a bad attempt at being funny, but he didn’t seem to care. He hated the silence, just like noise. The silence only reminded him of.. _him._ So quiet and unassuming, he never suspected him- he was just a wallflower, he wasn’t supposed to turn out to be so evil. Rubbing the back of his arm, he turns around and places the frame back down, turning his attention to the dark haired man once again.

 

How old was he..? That was the only thing he could think when he saw him pulling out a small box decorated with glitter and bows, revealing brownies. He looked up at him, offering them to him with a sweet smile.

 

“No,” he waves a hand. “I don’t really like sweets. Eat them yourself.. you look too skinny.”

 

He could really say the same thing to himself, couldn’t he? In these tight hospital gowns, he looks a twig. All of his tight and slim muscles vanished as soon as he arrived here, Of course, that comes with a rather good reason. It’s hard to work out when the tiny little weight room they had was constantly filled with people.. men in particular. He couldn’t take his shirt off or exercise knowing one of them could very easily jump him..

 

Just like he did.

 

Keon had to play it safe now. He had to make sure he’d never be in a position like before- he wasn’t going to continue to being a victim, no. Because he’d be damned if he let someone like _him_ touch him again, fuck and penetrate him like he was a drunk girl that didn’t know what he was doing. Not again..  
  
Swallowing the ball that grew in his throat at an alarming rate, he offered the man an easy smile. “Keon, by the way.”

 

He didn’t seem very comfortable- it might just be the lighting, or the fact he was wearing those godawful ugly scrubs. Akivya would’ve offered him a shirt if he thought it would fit, but he could already tell the man- Keon- was a _lot_ bigger than he was. Well, height wise at least. He really could use a brownie. Really. Not that the older man was going to say anything about that… he was supposed to be making people happy, not annoying them.

 

He gives the other a genuine smile, entirely too aware that his cheeks have flushed and honestly, quite thankful for his darker skin, as he says, “I’m Akivya. And honestly, that would mean that my husband’s touched me in the past year. He hasn’t. We’re getting a divorce because he’s a royal douchebag that refused to stick around when the C-word hit.”

 

At the other’s blank stare, his smile drops, just slightly, before Akivya swallows and says, “I… um… it’s lymphoblastic lymphoma. Stage three. So… yeah. Just… I don’t know,” he sucks in a breath, lets it out. “But enough about me! I mean, really, I’m not exactly… well… you know. You’re probably much more interesting. We should be friends- I mean, if you like that sort of thing. And… how old are you? By the way, you’re super attractive- sorry. I mean… you didn’t hear that.”

 

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry to hear that? I assume that’s deadly?” Keon scratches the back of his neck, annoyed when he feels the rough fabric of the gown hitting his skin. Honestly… as soon as they can locate his cousin, and she can bring him clothes, he was done with ever wearing any of this. Never again. “Sorry about your husband.. happens a lot I hear. Should go hear the woman in the suicide unit- one of them, this real big busty gal, is there because she tried to kill herself after her husband tried to leave her after she learned she had menopause.”

 

He smiles, laughing a bit before he looked back up the man, giving a shocked and upset look. “She’s better now. I think she’s fucking one of the nurses- to be fair, most people are. He’s got a really nice ass.”

 

“I’m twenty-four,” he tried to direct the conversation somewhere else, aware of how awkward the conversation has now turned. “Um.. how long do you got..?”

 

 _How long have I got?_ Akivya seriously, _seriously,_ did not want to think about that. He’d rather do anything than think about that, because yeah, he didn’t even want to remember it. And isn’t that a bit rude anyway? Asking someone you’ve known for maybe twenty minutes how much longer they’re gonna be alive?

 

Or maybe he was just taking it personally. Still, the man couldn’t keep the tears that started to leak from his eyes at the notion, absentmindedly looking down at the glittery box and fingering the ribbon, pulling the stocking cap tighter over his head so he doesn’t feel quite so… vulnerable. He doesn’t _want_ to cry, because he doesn’t want to be sad and he doesn’t want Keon to think he’s sad, but…

 

“I… um, I-I…” he struggles to get out more than a few syllables, wiping at his eyes with the sleeves of his long, light purple shirt, before hugging them to his chest with a sad attempt at a smile. “Just… n-not very long? I don’t know… I’m sorry. This is… this has got to be putting a downer on your mood, fuck. I should’ve thought. I’m sorry, Ke-Ke.”

 

He bites down on his lip, lying back on the bed and burying his face into the pink pillow, suddenly much worse off than he’d wanted to be. _And I was supposed to be making him happy. He’s my bunbun for Christmas. I gotta make him cheer up…_ the older man wipes his eyes with his sleeve again, before he says softly, “Twenty-four. You’re young. That’s a nice age… did you do school or anything? Um… I don’t know. You lived here long? Are you- are you okay? I didn’t mean to make you upset…”

 

“I.. I was.” He turned away from the man, focusing back down on the photo. Fully aware that he had caused the ill man to be upset, but he was rather unsure of what he was supposed to say or do to make him feel better. It was better if he just.. moved onto a different topic. “I was in theatrical arts- the college up the road? But you know.. kinda hard to attend when your first class and your therapy session start at six am and you’re required to have an on school grounds escort after-” he stopped, not comfortable with continuing it. “My little cousin, Vita, she didn’t want to do it so.. ended up having to drop out. Final year too. Sucks.”

 

Looking back down to the photo, he realizes that the older asian man was probably his husband he was talking about. Damn, quite a contrast from now in the photo. His hair was long and feminine, like his but not as a pretty, a bit heavier and looked much more happier. The older man was looking at him like he was a piece of meat- it reminded him of-

 

 _No._ That was the second time he had caught himself thinking of him, he didn’t want to think of him anymore. Just like what his therapist said, in a nasally tone that only made him smile the more she talked, the more he thought of him; the more power he was allowing Keon to give to him. He had to stop thinking of him.. it was the past, he had broken him once, but he wouldn’t let him continue. Keon was stronger now- not a weak little boy who only just had his first drink of alcohol an hour earlier before. He was better than that.

 

“I’ve been here for.. about a year? Hard to remember. Days’ve gone by pretty fast,” he sets the frame down, looking at the man once again with a brighter look. All he had to do was keep himself in check.. not too hard. No, it was so simple. Afterall.. he’d done it for two years. Shut his mouth, smile, and everything would be perfect once again.

 

Clearing his throat, he shoved his hands in the gown’s pockets. “Tell me, Akivya. How long were you married for? Got any kids?”

 

He takes a breath, manages to focus his eyes back on Keon’s face. There’s so much sadness in his eyes it almost makes the older man’s heart ache- he wants to reach out to him, comfort him, make him feel better… but something in his demeanor says it wouldn’t be a good idea. Wiping the last of his tears away from his cheeks, Akivya tries to think about the question. Always… always focus on the questions. That’s how you make friends? Right?

 

“We… Yuki and I… were together for about ten years? Around that, I mean- not married all that, but… you know. He was my bunbun. We loved each other- or, I thought he loved me…” Akivya gave a frown at that, pulling the blankets around himself again, before the next half of the question crossed his mind. “... kids. It was… the situation… how do I explain… um…” he paused, wondering how much he should actually say to Keon. “He… wanted kids. We tried to have one, but it’s… it was awkward. For me. Physically. I’m intersex. I could’ve had kids- he really wanted them- and we tried, but… it wouldn’t have been like a normal birth. It was… it wouldn’t have worked. I don’t like pain. And I didn’t- nobody really knew how it would’ve gone. And after it was basically decided that we couldn’t do whatever the fuck that was… I got diagnosed. He stayed with me for a little while after that. Then we broke up. Pretty much your normal in-love out-of-love story, I guess…”

 

He swallowed, averting his eyes from Keon’s because _why are you telling him this, he doesn’t care, doesn’t need to know, it was a simple question, you fucked it up again- he’s going to leave._ “Sorry! I didn’t mean to get all depressing on you, Ke-Ke… er… that’s like… my life story. Well, part of it. And I mean… you don’t want to hear that, right? I think… do you have… do you have any plans for Christmas? New Years? I think I’m gonna make you a scarf. Knit, I mean… I have a lot of time, and I need something to do in between chemo and skipping therapy sessions. I mean, everyone thinks people want to talk about how they’re feeling with… cancer. But like… I’m gonna die. I don’t want to talk about that! It’s so… negative. I don’t want that negativity in my life. I’m doing just fine on my own! Besides, people are visiting me. Like you. It makes me feel happy. You should come back more often- until you get out. I don’t think I’m really ever gonna leave, so…”

 

The dark-haired man rubbed his fingers against each other, before pushing his hands back under the blankets and pulling them up to his shoulders, looking at Keon just long enough to see the other’s casual expression falter- just for a few moments. He seemed so troubled… Akivya hated it. He didn’t want him to feel bad. Especially when he was probably just making it worse, prattling on about stuff nobody had time, use or care for. So he tries to just smile at Keon, thinking of what to say next, but nothing really comes to mind. He eventually gives a tiny sigh, waiting for Keon to say something. “Um…”

 

“That’s a lot to take on..” Keon stretched his arms behind his head, licking his lips as he tried to imagine himself anywhere else but here. “Your man sounds like a real asshole though- leaving you when you have cancer? Dick move. You’re better off without him.”

 

Of course, what did he really know? How often did he really date? Maxine, Chalina, Jaina, those other guys whose names all felt shallow and useless in his mind.. none of them really lasted, the longest being with Maxine and she barely lasted six months- even then, they were fucking most of the time. He really shouldn’t say anything about people in relationships, should he? No - it wasn’t really his place to say anything. He didn’t really need his input, did he? Who really listened to the guy who they just met a few minutes ago?

 

“How long are you gonna be here? You gonna be here for long?”

 

“Well I’m basically just waiting at this point,” Akivya said, a sad smile playing on his thin lips as he turned away from Keon. “So as long as I have left, I guess. If I’m lucky that’s… maybe another year? I don’t know. I just know that… I gotta make use of whatever I’ve got. That’s why I’ve decided to make gifts for everyone. I want people to be happy because I can’t be. So I’m trying to stay positive. I know it sounds stupid- I mean, it’s not like I can make everyone happy. I couldn’t make my husband happy, and that’s the one thing you’re supposed to do when you’re married. You’re supposed to keep someone happy. Friends, too.”

 

He finally turned back to the bedside table, sliding the drawer open and fishing around in it for a small gift box. Still sparkly, like the other one, a tiny bow on the lid, although the contents weren’t exactly perfect or anything. He passed the box over to Keon, giving him another smile and letting his eyes slip closed again. “We can be friends, Ke-ke. I wanna make you happy. Open it. I mean, it’ll collect dust otherwise- it would be nice for it to have someone who cares. Someone who’ll take care of it since I won’t be around to. And… well… I don’t get people to talk to very often. It makes me sad, and I don’t like being sad, but sometimes I guess it makes the good things better?”

 

Akivya’s mouth slipped shut, barely able to open his eyes again, an ache in his head that led to a shiver running down his spine and a cough leaving his mouth- shallow, at first, before it escalated a bit, too loud to help the headache at all. “I think… h-how long are you going to stay, Keon? I… I’m going to miss you if you leave… will you… at least be here until New Years? We can… we can go on the roof and watch the fireworks. The building’s really tall… it’ll be easy to see. And… things are always better with other people!”

 

Keon looked down at the box, unsure if he should open it now or later. Deciding to open it later, he put it back in his pocket and leaned back against the wall. This certainly has turned into the interesting day.. and he thought he’d have to go and fuck around around with the hypochondriacs that just arrived.

 

“I’m not allowed to leave for awhile,” he gives him an irritated smile, a hint of bitterness in his voice. “They don’t think I’d thrive well.. too many triggers, they say. I think they’ll just miss me. Other than you now, I guess, I’m the only normal one who isn’t crying their eyes out or dying… well, the last one might just be me too.”

 

He eyed the man for a moment, unsure if the last bit would go over well. When he sees that he only flinches and momentarily loses his smile, he bites back the want to apologize and go on, looking away from him again. “I don’t really like loud noises, so probably not really up for the fireworks. Vita’s going to be coming for Christmas, I think.. she said she would- you should come and see me.”

 

“Of course,” Akivya starts, feeling the pressure in his chest that hadn’t been there before, “-of course, I’ll come see you. I like you. You’re a bunbun. Like me. A nice one, too. Nicest guy I’ve met in a long time. But I- I have to make your present first, so no visiting me until then! Four days. I hope you can live.” He says the last part with a tiny laugh and an offhand smile, before glancing back towards the window. “I’m kinda tired… you can stay if you want, but I think I might just pass out. But it was… it was nice. Good. I think… I think I’m gonna visit you tomorrow, or whenever I’m allowed to get out of this place. You’re gonna like my present. I’ll force you.”

 

The older man rolls over on his side, pressing his face into the pillow and shutting his eyes as he breathes in and out, heavily, barely able to keep focused for much longer. He doesn’t bother trying to think anything else- staying awake isn’t worth it- simply murmuring Keon’s name for god-knows-what reason before he starts to feel even more disoriented.

 

He falls asleep, unsure of whether or not Keon is there when he does, with plans to try and take care of him when he wakes up later.

 

* * *

 

Keon stretched out his body, ignoring the numerous requests for him to put his leg down. He was too tired to really care, if he had to be honest. They could complain and make as much noise as they wanted, he was only going to ignore them and relax until they brought food and then he was going to sleep. There wasn’t any use for him to do anything else- his new ”friend” was probably rekted after earlier. Not like he had anyone else to wait or care about..Vita was knocked out somewhere, locked up, or just ignoring him. He didn’t even know anymore.

 

“You’re making a nuisance,” once of the nurses said, smacking his knee down.

 

“I wouldn’t be if I were given my own room,” he hastily replied, giving her another one of his bitter smiles. Running a hand through his hair, he sat up. “It’s not fair. The decaying ones get one.”

 

“You know we can’t do that for you, Keon,” she gives him a soft smile, patting his knee before writing down something on a clipboard. “You have these lovely curtains though, you can use them until then.”

 

“They’re not to my likenin’,” he says after a moment, flopping back down on his bed before looking back over to the woman. Before he can say anything else, she’s closing the curtains behind her and moving onto the woman next to him.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t _like_ the way people were staring at him; it was too unnerving to be comfortable, Akivya thought, pulling the sparkly red scarf further down over his forehead and rubbing his hands together, fingers tugging on the edge of the pink sleeves just briefly before he looked up at the door. The ward was… eerily silent. Not like oncology; it was quiet in a different way, one he wasn’t sure he liked, and the feeling of the nurse watching him _very carefully_ when he finally walked through the door into the younger man’s room only made him want to shiver.

 

But he didn’t mind, if he got to see Ke-Ke. Keon needed someone to make him happy. And he was going to love his present, he- he’d probably appreciate it, even if Akivya wasn’t exactly the best at sewing things.

 

When he finally pushes aside the curtain, he smiles down at the other with a bright grin, saying “Hi!” as loudly as he had the capability for, his throat dry and stiff; just side effects of the medication. Absently, he pulled the scarf a bit tighter around his head, trying to cover up the fact that _he had no hair_ and it was super fucking disturbing, before offering the other the bag held in his hands.

 

“Happy holidays, Ke-Ke! You’re my bunbun, so I got you cute gifts because I’m your sugarplum and we’re gonna make each other happy. So, chin up. Open it! I hope you like them!”

 

Keon’s face seemed to lose all colour as he looked up at the man, noting how he was dressed in women’s clothes, more or less. Attempting to keep his composure, he brushes another hand through his hair and wraps his hands in a tight fist. “Jesus Christ.. keep your voice down, man. Close my curtain- you’re drawing too much attention. What are you even wearing..?”

 

Keon sat up from his bed, unsteadily setting his feet on the ground before attempting to snatch off off his scarf. Akivya slaps his hand back, stepping back with a hurt look. Putting his hand up, surrendering, he chuckled. “Fine, fine. You look like a girl, I hope you know that.”

 

Looking down at the bag, he gives him a small smile, taking it from his hands and very quickly emptying it on the bed.

 

“I- they’re my clothes, Keon… I’m sorry if they’re distracting… I just like feeling pretty. Besides, technically I _am_ a woman. So there.” Akivya responds, sticking his tongue out at the younger man, watching the look of confusion spread across his face as he looks over the contents of the bag. Still, he does quiet his voice, attempting to make it seem less annoying to Keon- he didn’t want to make him upset.

 

“So there’s curtains and gloves- I like making gloves. It gets so cold in here. Those are blue, because you’re a boy, and I guess it kinda fits with the gender thing. But the curtains are pink, because they’re pretty, and I made them super bright. That way they stand out and make you feel more happy! It’s cheerful! Besides, if anyone says anything, you can say they’re from your cousin or something like that. I spent hours making them yesterday; had to ask one of the nurses for some help, but I _think_ they turned out pretty nice. Oh! And.” Akivya pulls a blue scarf off from his shoulder, draping it across the taller man’s shoulder unceremoniously. “This one’s blue too, so it’ll go with the gloves. I tried to make something you’d like. I can’t do very much though… and you don’t like sweets, so I couldn’t bake you anything… but this should be good. Yes.”

 

He takes a deep breath, looks up at Keon, trying to read his face for any hint as to what he’s feeling or thinking… it was so difficult. People never showed what they were feeling anymore; it was like the hospital took all the good stuff out of their aura and left them all bland and grey and black.

 

“Um… it’s okay that I made you stuff, right? I didn’t know what you’d want for a present, so I kinda just… went with stuff I normally make for people. I missed you though. Did you miss me? Really wanted to see you yesterday, but the ward was so busy and I somehow got asked to help out the nurses- plus I was doing chemo for like, an hour and I got really, really tired after that. So… yeah. I hope it’s okay, and I hope you’re happy. And you should smile more, you look really handsome when you do that.”

 

“Where the hell do you get so much free time?” Keon inspected the cloth, feeling the rather hard fabric against his hands. “Thought chemotherapy was supposed to make you tired all the time?”

 

Looking back up at him, he smiled. “Still, they’re kinda nice. Shame you made this after winter just ended. Could've been useful- I might’ve been able to use them that one time I was allowed to leave; allowed used rather flexibly there.”

 

Keon didn’t want to mention it, or even think about it, but it’d been quite a while since someone had gave him a present or made him something.. When was the last time someone had thought of him enough to purchase something just for him? Shit.. as close as he was to Vita or his numerous different girls.. he couldn’t remember being gifted by them once in the last few years. To be fair to them, he reasoned with himself, when was the last time he even came close to getting them something? No- the last thing he ever gave them was knowing how weak and utterly pitiful he really was after the event. No sex and the constant need for them to hold him, help him with his frequent his panic attacks. Did he even deserve a gift due to how much trouble and bother he’s caused everyone.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything,” he muttered, brushing another hand through his hair with shaky hands. “Hard to get anything in here.. you probably understand that, yeah?”

 

Reaching his hand out to grab the paper cup on his small table, he finally looks at him enough. He’s bald. Taking a moment to decide whether or not he should say anything- no, of course he shouldn’t say anything about it. It was obvious that the man didn’t even want to talk about his lymph.. cancer. Why the fuck would he want to talk about the lack of hair on his head- he was even attempting to hide it.

 

Sighing, he dropped his eyes and let his hands slip into the mittens. “Thanks, by the way.”

 

Akivya didn't like how sad he seemed- Keon just… he seemed so lonely. Like he was in pain, unable to trust anyone… it made him sad too. He gave a tiny smile to Keon as the blond slipped his hands into the dark gloves, letting the corners of his eyes relax into the motion as well.

 

“I wanna make you feel better, Ke-Ke. I don't know what happened to you, but… you don't have to be sad around me, kay? I'm not gonna hurt you- I mean, look at me. I'm… practically a walking corpse already, right? And you're so… well, even if you're sick, I think you seem strong. Just hurting. But I don't want you to hurt. Because you're my friend and I wuv you, honey boo-boo.”

 

Akivya waited for Keon to sit back down, before maneuvering himself to sit gingerly on the edge of the dull bed, a tiny frown playing on his lips. “I… I'm sorry if this wasn't what you expected. But you're stuck with me! I don't get anyone else to annoy. And most people will just call me… pathetic or ugly or whatever and force me away. So you're already nice. I just wanna make you feel happier, bunbun.”

 

Again, the older man tugs on his sleeves, pulling at the pink fabric before letting his eyes drift around. Nothing personal or bright or pretty or… anything. It made him feel sad. “Um… Keon… I'm not bothering you, right?”

 

“No,” Keon shakes his head, crushing the paper cup beneath his hand. Looking away from the man once again - at this point, how many times has he noticed him looking away from him now- he let the cup fall from his hands and into the wastebin. “I don’t think so. Everyone here is such a drag to talk to- all they want to talk about is about their family.. boring. Unless they’re over the age of consent and have a nice ass, I really don’t give a shit about other people, you know?”

 

Sitting back down on the bed, he inched away from Akivya. His eyes attempted to look around the room’s floor, trying to focus on something- something perfect so that he didn’t have to keep looking at him. Was it wrong that he sorta wanted him to go? It felt wrong, at least. He didn’t like how.. sympathetic the man was looking at him right now. _Like he was a victim._ The one thing he wasn’t.

 

“Besides.. you’re cute,” he smiles, forcing himself to look at him, forced and uncomfortable. “It’s fun to talk to you sometimes. I get mittens from you.”

 

“I…” Akivya started, taking a deep breath. “I'm not cute, Keon. I have bags under my eyes. My skin is mostly covered in scars. I'm bald. I look like a fucking corpse and it's gonna get worse. People tell me I'm too sick to be pretty and too bony to screw. I'm… dead, Keon. There's nothing I can do about that. I just gotta… I just gotta be happy. For everyone else.”

 

He sighed, reknotting the red scarf at the back of his head, raising his eyes to the blond man who was clearly looking away from him… he seemed so… alone. It wasn't right. “What happened to you, Keon…?” Akivya asked, trailing off, his eyes brimming with tears because part of him _doesn't want to know_ and part of him wants to make Keon happy, and just…

 

He waited.

 

Keon opened his mouth, and then closed it after nothing seemed to want to come out. There was a slight thought earlier of what he should say if he - anyone, really - asked him why he was there.. he couldn’t ever really decide if he should lie or just be honest. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what really would be the best. A lot of the people he met- Aki too- would be dead in a short time; why should they need to worry about him, when they had other pressing matters on their minds? It felt almost selfish to tell other people about what happened to him.

 

For a moment, before he could even realize what he was doing, his thoughts went to Everett. How he had gotten him drunk, carried him back to his room, raped him, and then left him outside his apartment completely naked. He really didn’t want to talk to anyone else.. it was bad enough that they forced him to talk to a therapist twice a week.. he didn’t want to talk to anyone else about it. It felt demeaning enough to have to deal with the constant doubt.

 

They didn’t need to know.. no one really needed to know. It wasn’t any of their fucking business. Tears tried to whell up in his eyes, only to be blinked away and swallowed aggressively. Keon could only imagine the look on the darker skinned man’s face- worried about him, guilt for asking, possibly even pity. Fuck him. Who gave him the right to pity him? Fuck- this dumbass was literally _dying._ but yet he thought he’d still had the right to look down on him and think ‘poor him’.

 

Cracking his fingers, he ran a quick hand through his hair before stopping to say, “Just another one of the people that cracked..” he licked his lips. “Suicide attempt. Won’t let me leave until they can find a family member, something like that. It’s not really a big deal anymore..”

 

He wasn’t lying per se. It was close to being true- it was the reason why he was technically here anyway. No one would’ve known about the incident until he freaked out about one of the male nurses in the process of removing his clothes when he came to after trying to overdose. He didn’t need to the details- it wasn’t his place to ask. Keon wanted to smile at the fact that he was too “nice” to ask for more- he seemed to trip over himself asking for just the smallest info about his life before quickly apologizing.. something like this would make him uncomfortable enough to leave him alone for a few days, right?

 

He didn't know what to say, because that was what he'd been expecting, but it didn't make him feel any less upset. And the way Keon was looking at him now, his eyes almost filled with… _rage._ Disdain, disgust, an anger that was absolutely _intense._ It made a shiver run down the man's spine, his skin shaking as he could feel a blush covering his cheeks. “Um… if you need to talk about it? I'm here! And I'll make you more gifts until you get out. You're… I wanna be your friend. You need one, I think. I do too… I mean…”

 

He paused, swallowing nervously at the chill under his skin, closing his eyes when he felt another round of pain hit the inside of his chest- and then his stomach, a stinging, burning sensation that overwhelmed Akivya's breath. “F-fuck… K-Ke…” he gasped out, looking up at the younger man again. “T-tired…” was all he managed to get out, eyes fluttering shut before attempting to open again- it was all too _bright,_ hurt his eyes.

 

He barely managed to try and grab for the other's hand to steady himself before his head started to ache, and he found himself sliding to one side. “Can you g-get… n-nurse? Please, Keon, I…”

 

“I-I,” Keon barely had time to process what was going on before he was able to grab onto the rest of the boy’s body, cradling him in his arms and falling to the ground. He stared at the man, heart racing faster and faster, unsure what to do- the screams in his throat got caught and mixed up together, coming out as pathetic, quiet whines. Akivya’s body was cold underneath his- heavy and impossible to hold.

 

“N-nurse? S-some...s-someone?”

 

When he was finally able to find his voice, after several long moments that felt like eternity, it felt raw and painful to use. Like someone had decided to start beating him with a bat or a club and at every syllable, they’d take the butt of it and smash it against his rib cage. He felt like he was going to cry- fuck.. w-was this the end of his friend?  Was Akivya going to end up dead a moment after confessing he wanted to forever him on the floor- wearing women's clothing? No- no- he couldn’t. He couldn’t just.. just die! No- their friendship had only really just begun. He wasn’t going to let him.. he couldn’t leave him.

 

Doing his best to pick the small boy off the ground, barely his best to hold him because the most weight he’s had to pick up was probably the little bag he was given a few moments ago, and throwing up the curtain. Three of the nurses were already close to his bed, very quickly running to his bed when they saw him doing this. His eyes stared at them desperately, begging them to take him away- _please, help him._

 

“What happened?” he wasn’t sure which one had asked him this, it’d only come off as just a filter voice.

 

Keon stared at the limp boy, his eyes watering as they kept asking him questions that he had no idea how he was supposed to answer. Static filled his mind and tinnitus forced him to only be able to listen to tinging.

 

Once again, he was helpless.

* * *

 

Everything _hurt._ It was like a sharp, jutting pain that started in his abdomen and ran up his spine, so fucking _agonizing_ that Akivya just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry from how much it hurt.

 

His eyes flew open with the sound of his name being echoed in the back of his head, trying to sit forward before there was a hand on his chest forcing him back against the mattress. Burying his face in the pillow, the man let out a very soft cry, pulling his legs up and turning on his side despite the protests of the nurse.

 

“W-why…?” he finally managed to choke out, hands fisting in the blanket as he finally managed to meet eyes with the nurse. “Where's Ke-Keon? I was just… we were talking… is it the cancer? Did I… did it… am I gonna die?” The tone of his voice was almost pleading, looking up to the nurse with his eyes wide, entirely too aware that he was wearing a hospital gown again, the scarf removed from his head.

 

He hears the sound of a chair moving, and Akivya glances over to see the blond man, hair a mess and looking rather distraught, sitting in the chair near the bed. A rather shorts noise- happy- leaves the older man's mouth, reaching out a hand as the nurse heaves a long sigh.

 

“Akivya, we need to talk. It's about the scans we ran on you- some… anomalies showed up. Obviously, you're aware of your condition- Mullarian duct syndrome along with congenital adrenal hyperplasia is rare… usually the individual's body is ill equipped to handle any of the trauma that a woman goes through… as you're aware. Is he…?” she spared a glance to Keon, questioning.

 

“It's fine,” Akivya breathes out. “I just… what are you trying to say?”

 

“You're… pregnant.”

 

“Fuckin’ hell, man,” Keon stands from his chair, kicking it back until he’s on the other side of the room facing away from the both of them. It was the second time he had heard it the woman saying it, eavesdropping on the doctor and the nurse talking about this.. pregnancy. It still made him feel sick- confused and unsure if this is _actually_  happening or not. It sounded unreal to his ears- like someone was trying to be funny and… the joke just ran flat.

 

He was pregnant.. Akivya, pregnant. How fucked is he? They wouldn’t allow him to continue treatment because the chemo could harm the fetus.. shit ton of whatever meds he was taking was out probably too. It wasn’t fair- what the fuck did _he_ do in another life to deserve this? Nothing. He refused to believe that anything he could’ve done deserved this kind of treatment. They were beating a dead (he doesn’t dare laugh) horse.

 

Keon doesn’t listen to them speak- not the nurses harsh but soft apologies and offers for sympathy, or Aki’s confused and pained cries for her to tell him otherwise. He was going to lose a friend, his only friend in this complete shithole, to.. something as unbelievable as this.

 

“Does his.. husband know..?” Keon finally turns around to ask, refusing to meet Akivya’s eye. Even if it’s desperate for him to look at him, to give him some kind of comfort, he can’t force himself to look at him right now. “Is.. is there anything he can do..?”

 

He can't bring himself to do anything- ask questions, try and figure out what to do, just… cry. Akivya could feel the salty taste of tears in his mouth, leaving wet trails on his cheeks as he desperately tried to get Keon to look at him. It only made his body hurt more when Keon turned away, his light whimpering growing to full blown sobs as he finally choked out a few words.

 

“I-I want to get rid of it,” he said to the nurse, barely able to hold her gaze for more than a few seconds. “Please… I… it doesn't have a chance. I'm gonna die. There's nobody who can… take care of it. Fuck, please,” he practically pleaded, finally letting his eyes fall on his shaking hands. “Just want to _l-live._ As long as… please. I can't raise it. I can't- _can't-”_

 

He cut himself off, focusing eyes on his suddenly colorless skin, shaking hands… all Akivya can think of is what people are gonna say. If Keon- the only person who cared- was going to leave him. If he… thought he was a freak of nature, thought he was disgusting, felt _bad_ for him. If he made Keon cry… he wouldn't be able to forget it.

 

And then the question hits him. “Y-Yuki?” he asks, loudly, almost whining. “You… you called him, d-didn't you? He won't… can't… n-not my baby. I don't want him to know.”

 

The nurse attempts to give him a comforting hand, gripping it lightly. “He was informed of your blackout. It was simple protocol, Akivya..” she looked uncomfortable for a moment, looking at the back of Keon before continuing. “We allow the patient to decide whether or not they want us to release more… _private_ information.”

 

“Does.. does he have to know?”

 

Once again, Keon hates how weak and terrified he sounded. Why was he even acting like he knew what Akivya wanted? For all he knew, he wanted Yuki to be involved in this.. he could only think of the (in?)famous saying, “A father deserves to be involved in their kid’s life.” His father wasn’t involved at any point in his life, just simply a sperm donor to plant his seed inside of mom and bailed for life. Maybe .. maybe he really did want the guy to be in his life; simply for the sake of appearances.

 

“Akivya..” he finally managed to turn around to look at him, his voice slowly turning down a few notes. “You don’t have to tell him now.. or at all, really. You’re getting divorced.. but if you want.. no one will blame you- y-you’re dying of cancer, no one really has any place to judge you.”

 

He wipes his eyes. “I’m here you need me, Aki..”

 

“Ke-Ke…” the tone of the older man's voice grew softer, almost impossible to hear as he took in the other's gaze. “Don't cry… you don't need to be sad for me. Maybe… maybe this is just…” Akivya trailed off, unable to look at the situation in light. There was… there was absolutely no positive way of thinking about this.

 

He was dead. The kid was dead. There wasn't anybody who could take care of it. Nobody he trusted. Nobody he cared about. Nobody who could… could raise them properly.

 

“I'm going to get rid of it,” he finally managed to say, looking up at the nurse. “There's no other choice. No loose ends. Nothing. It's the only way.”

 

_The only fucking way._

 

* * *

 

 

The phone rang.

 

Akivya couldn't even describe how the sound made him feel. Something shrill and loud that only

made his head ache and his eyes sting. Because _I don't wanna hear him, can't think about it, can't do anything, he's an asshole and he's going to kill me-_

 

There was a click. A simple hello that echoed in his ear… and then Akivya took a deep breath and spoke.

“Yuki.” There was no noise from the other end. “Yuki, it's me. Um… Akivya. I'm pregnant.” he sucked in a breath, swallowing. “I'm pregnant and I'm getting rid of it. If I can't live- if you want to get rid of me- then you don't get a kid either. They can't live. Not… not with you. I just wanted to let you know… I wanted to let you know that you're as dead as I am… at least to me. And to this baby… please don't bother coming back to see me. Okay…?”

 

 _“What!?”_ Siri’s voice could be heard in the background after a long moment, screaming and demanding to speak with him. The phone hits the air heard with the speakers, muffling their voices. Though clear that they’re fighting on the other side, Akivya wouldn’t be able to make it out.

 

After the fighting seems to end, someone’s harsh breathing comes into the speaker. _“Akivya.. y-you’re threatening to kill a child, darling! Do you understand what you’re saying?”_ Yuki’s voice sounds rushed and panic, which sounds foreign and strange to the raven-haired man’s ears. The strong man he once knew seemed different now- unnatural even.

 

 _“We need to talk.. you’re not in your right mind, that’s obvious,”_ Yuki sighs, taking a long minute to respond before he continues. _“I’ll be up there tomorrow around noon. I can bring whatever you need, darling. Until then, get some rest. You’re tired; you’ve had a rough day, there’s no shame in making a poor rushed decisions. They called me earlier, did you know that? They told me about your accident.. we can talk more about that tomorrow, darling.”_

 

 _“I-it’s not your decision to make,”_ Akivya snapped back, his breathing already far too heavy in the speaker, barely able to keep it level when he was on the verge of tears. “B-besides… it's not your call. I'm the mother. You… you aren't… I'm not gonna let you have them. You gave up your right to be a father when you decided to divorce me because I had fuckin’ _cancer._ So don't. Don't e-even tell me I'm not in my right mind. I'm not c-crazy.”

 

He tries to cover up the sob that leaves his throat, long and hollow, wet tears trailing down his dark cheeks until he feels his breath grow more labored, almost shallow. “Please… leave me alone. I don't want you to visit me. You… you don't care. I'm gonna die and you're gonna forget about it. End of s-story… okay?” the last word sounds more like a high pitched whine than anything, Akivya's lips trembling as he waited for another response.  

 

Yuki almost growls in the speaker, whispering harsh words to the younger man in the same room- Siri doesn’t bother lowering his voice, almost screaming at him. _“Don’t put words in my mouth, boy. You know how much I despise that, Akivya.”_

 

Yuki’s voice becomes almost eccentric, carefully placed threats lingering on his tongue. _“I did not call you crazy, did I? No- you need to listen to me instead of making up threats. I blame how long you’ve been away from home… you’re losing respect for me, we’ll need to fix that before you come home.”_

 

 _“Do you miss me, Aki?”_ a small chuckle comes from the other side, his voice calming down almost automatically. _“I know you do, I can hear it in your voice. It’s so clear in your voice.. do you want me to cleanse you of those urges, darling?”_

 

Akivya doesn’t know why his heart almost seems to speed up at those words- whether it was from fear, or… lust, some lingering feeling at the back of his mind that made him practically choke on his own breath at the words. They were uttered in such a calm tone, something… _primal,_ something that Akivya had always both hated and desired.

 

“Urges…?” He tried to ask, swallowing the breath that seemed to be trapped in his windpipe, _entirely too aware_ of what Yuki actually meant… but that didn’t mean he couldn’t act oblivious. Even if the sound of that chuckle almost immediately made the younger man press his legs together, his grip on the phone tightening. “I-I don’t. Y-you…” he bit down on his lip, enough that he could taste the faintest hint of blood on his tongue, almost metallic.

 

Still, the thought is enough that he takes another deep breath, uncertain, completely anxious at the sound of his own voice when he hesitantly asks, “Do you… still want me?”

 

He smiled, keeping his voice calm and steady as he licks his lips. _“How long has it been since you’ve been touched, my darling? Since you’ve been there, I bet.”_

 

So careful to avoid his question, he couldn’t help but let himself giving a light moan into the phone. _“Touch yourself.”_

 

He had to swallow back a moan of his own at the words, instead biting down on his lower lip again, digging in teeth to try and cover it up. When he finally manages to breathe, the first thing to slip from Akivya’s lips is a soft sigh of “Yuki,” waiting for any sign that his husband was still listening… that he wanted him… _anything._

 

But he was right. It had been too long. It just… it wasn’t right of him to think like this, but he couldn’t help the nagging at the back of his mind that he should just give in, just _touch himself_ the way he’d been instructed to.

 

What leaves his lips, finally, is a question. “When… when are you visiting…?”

 

Yuki’s laugh is thick, like someone told a explotive joke that only he knew the origins of. _“I’ll be there as soon as soon as they allow me. Do you want me to wait until then? I can hear you moaning my name, so careful and quiet. So different than when I had you before; I’ll need to get you to return back to your normal self tomorrow too, I see..”_

 

There’s a rustling noise, like he’s walking in quick wind. On the other side, he can hear the all too quiet whispers of his two former lovers speaking of him. After the silence dies down once again, he can hear Yuki coming back, his voice almost teasing him as he tells him, “ _I want you to touch yourself, darling. Just like I told you before. Don’t stroke or fondle, just wrap those luscious long fingers of yours around the tip of your cock and tell me how much you’ve missed me. How much you crave my touch.”_

 

He couldn’t keep his breath from stopping abruptly, letting his fingers slowly slip beneath the waistband of his sweatpants, the orange fabric easily moving away from his thighs as he slid fingers down to grasp at his length. He could barely tease the end of it, long digits playfully rubbing the tip until Akivya allowed himself to give a soft, breathy moan as he continued to listen to Yuki’s voice.

 

“I… hngh, Y-Yuki… S-Siri… please, I… I miss you… miss… miss feeling your hands on my body, your fingers in my mouth, your… fuck, I miss feeling you… _i-inside me._ Need… please, I need you…” he hissed, pressing his back against the wall and letting his other hand grip the phone tighter as he waited in silence for a few seconds. “Wanna see you… tomorrow? I- I wanna see y-you.”

 

_“Good boy- you’re always a good boy for me, aren’t you, Akivya? Always willing to do what I say, my desperate little whore.. Do you miss the way my hands felt inside you? Do you want me to touch you tomorrow- like a desperate whore? Should I fuck you tomorrow? Would you like that?”_

 

There’s a soft hint of malice in his voice that could go easily undetected if someone didn’t know him well. Akivya did and Yuki almost smiled when he heard the faintest moan for him, almost like a dog in a way. He always did enjoy how easy and obedient he was, it was almost too easy to get him to start masturbating and panting.. it almost wasn’t fun.

 

 _“You were so.. naughty earlier though.. I can’t have you misbehaving, can I? No, no.. the untamed don’t deserve to be fucked, do they, Akivya? You’re not naughty, are you? You wouldn’t lie or say such vulgar, disgusting things to my face. Still.. I’ll need to punish you. If you do what I tell you perfectly, darling, maybe I can bring a few things tomorrow.. perhaps Siri would like to come, would you like that?”_ He paused, letting the information sink in. It was almost too perfect, like a dream that he envisioned. His desperate moans, swallowing loudly as he tried so hard not to just let his fingers slide down the tip of his cock to the base of it, pressing against his small opening, in all likelihood. He was almost impressed.. that he would admit it, no. Besides.. he was only getting started.

 

_“Do you want me to give you your punishment now? I’m giving you a choice; use it wisely.. I know how much you enjoy getting things your way.”_

 

He was so tempted… Akivya doesn’t know if it’s the sound of Yuki’s voice, deep, lilting, almost taunting him with threats and promises. But at the same time, he could sense just how… dark it was, the way his husband was teasing him, trying to make him unravel, the same as he’d always done. He didn’t want to be weak, and yet he wasn’t strong enough to resist the urge… the urge to be touched, to be pleasured, to be… _owned._

 

Instead of letting out something that could be misinterpreted, something that would make him seem too desperate (he is desperate- far beyond what he normally is, but it’s a desperation for attention, for _praise,_ and it wasn’t something that he was going to get,) the younger man simply inhales and exhales, softly. His voice cracks when he finally manages to say, _“Never.”_

 

And on that note, he hung up the phone.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t want to see him.

 

That’s what Akivya kept telling himself, but as much as he said he didn’t want to see him- either of them- there was a part of himself that _craved_ it. A part that wanted to, no matter what the rational side of his brain told him, because _they still love me_ and _maybe they didn’t mean it._

 

Or maybe it was just foolish to hope, but where had anything else gotten him? He was fucking _dying._ He practically relied on hope, and it… it made things better, the man thought. He quirked his lips up, looking in the mirror at his reflection, finalizing the tie of the pink scarf around his neck and the light purple beanie covering his head. _Cute._ Very cute, he hoped… he liked being cute. it made people like him more. Plus, the colors were absolutely _perfect_ for today.

 

His eyes flitted to the new curtains on the windows, a pale lavender that seemed to cast light throughout the interior of the dim room, bouncing off the bright pink sheets and tinting the walls a very pretty shade. He’d finally managed to get the picture set back on his dresser, only half-certain that Yuki would appreciate it… but he had to think he would. Had to hope he would.

 

He wanted this visit to be different. He didn’t- didn’t want them to leave, not like last time, when he’d been a crying mess, curled up in a ball on his bed, completely unable to speak.

 

Adjusting the sleeves of the white cardigan he was wearing, Akivya gave a final glance to the mirror before casting his eyes over toward the doorway. There was a part of him- the rational, justifiable side- that said he should be scared. And he was, the twinge of fear running up his spine as he sat down on his bed again, almost impossible to force down, no matter how much he tried.

 

_Things will be different. They love you, Aki. They love you. You know they do… right?_

 

* * *

 

 

It was so dark outside by the time Yuki left the house, barely past five in the morning, and he was already on the way to the hospital. It was early, too early for them to really be willing to let him see him. He didn’t even know if his Akivya was up or not, though he really didn’t care. The younger boy should’ve known that he was going to come as early as possible- he always liked to be there before the annoying rush of men and woman walking around, making scenes and commotions that didn’t need to be aired.

 

He was barely able to support his weight as he walked to the closest bus station, even as he leaned on his cane and tried to shift his the heavy bag of treats for Akivya. It seemed too much when he shoved Siri, but.. after all, he had taken a few months off from visiting the man and he needed had to shower him in things he knew for a fact that he loved. The sweet smell and appearance of little soaps carved into cute animals and what-have-yous, soft fabrics of baby pinks and light blues, suggestive magazines, and some nice personal items that would prove to Akivya how much he loved and still today loves him.

 

Yuki would love to see how quickly his face would change was hesitance to pure love just for him, but that would have to wait until he was able to see him. It made him feel a bit annoyed about how long it took him to allow him to visit, to confess how much he needed him, but.. Akivya was always a bit slow in realizing what he wanted. All he ever needed to do was help guide him along and he’d see how stupid he was being.

 

And of course, a few nicely placed threats, but that part would be a bit irrelevant if he could just prove how much he really needed Yuki. And with a baby on the way, he needed Yuki’s support the most right now. It was going to be a lot of fun the next few months, he told himself, planning for a child and taking care of his sweet little darling. Promises of taking care of him, how they’d finally be a family, how he would make sure that Akivya would be completely safe without even a single thought of death.. he’d believe him, he hoped.

 

Finally managing to find a nice bench, he sat down and placed the large bag on the ground. Time needed to fly by faster, he craved being able to see Akivya.. hear his desperate pants for him while they’re fucking, his kisses and cuddles when Yuki finally allows him to cuddle against his side. He didn’t really want to admit it to himself, but he seemed to have actually missed Akivya, it wasn’t too often that he encountered someone like the young boy, if at all.

 

When he died, he couldn’t imagine how much.. darker and less trustful the world would feel without him. It wasn’t exactly fair for him to be taken so cruelly away from him, but.. he was too young, too innocent, and a bit too naive for this world anyway. He’d be better off in a heavenly place, one that would easily manage to fit in there.

 

* * *

 

He was so tired… like the energy had just seeped out of his bones, leaving nothing but empty, hollow fragments throughout his body. It was an ache that began in his chest, overwhelmed him until he could hardly think. The only thoughts that managed to pass his mind were those of Yuki… and Siri… and the baby they’d both wanted but he never had.

 

Akivya’s hand slid under the fabric of his thin, purple shirt, pressing against the hot skin of his abdomen, hand cold enough that he visibly shook at the goosebumps that appeared on his skin. Letting out a long-held breath, he looked up at the paper stars lining the wall above his bed. He’d always enjoyed them… bright colors and the nice shapes… it almost made him feel like he was somewhere else. A royal space kingdom, maybe, living life like a Queen revered by all.

 

Somewhere other than here. Someone other than a skeletal, pregnant cancer patient lying in a bed for days on end, no visible conclusion to his suffering… at least, not until he’d met Keon.

 

He’d seemed so sad the last time they talked, his entire demeanor distant and sheltered. It… it made Akivya sad, really. He didn’t know when the last time he’d felt so… unwanted was. By Yuki, probably, when he’d left a few months earlier. Or by the nurses, when they ignored him and shoved his thoughts and actions aside in lieu of somebody else… he almost felt upset. Sad enough to cry.

 

Why was he bringing a child into this world when he couldn’t even take care of himself? Weak, naive… _pathetic,_ as Siri had always told him. He wasn’t though, right? Wasn’t… wasn’t useless. Or worthless. Or anything.

 

But why did it seem so foreign, reality? Nobody was happy. Nobody was ever happy, and he didn’t know why he kept trying… and that’s why he cried, completely unable to stop the shallow, soft whimpers from leaving his mouth, not even when he could hear the door swinging open behind him, too softly to interrupt, but not quiet enough to go unnoticed.

 

Almost instantly, he brought himself to a sitting position, with a simple name, phrased as a question, leaving his mouth.

 

“Yuki? Babycakes? Bunbun?”

 

A small smile appears on his face, gentle and almost looked unnatural on his face. He didn’t bother taking it off of his face when he saw Akivya’s face lighten before looking at him uncertain. He walked over to him, setting the bag down on the bed before outstretching his free arm, pulling him close before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek.

 

“Hello, darling,” Yuki cupped his face, forcing him him to look up at him. His eyes moved down his body, noticing how much weight he had truly lost since the last time he had been in here.. it seemed almost impossible that someone could lose this much. Even before he was sick, his Akivya was so small and now.. he worried that he’d break a limb if he tried to be even the littlest bit aggressive with him tonight.

 

“You’ve lost so much weight,” another soft, but controlled tone, foreign and awkward sounding to anyone’s ears. Bringing his lips down again, he pecked his lips and attempted to have him sit down on the bed, unable to stand any longer. Leaving his cane on the side of him, he laid a shaky hand ontop of Akivya’s weak and thin ones. It felt so different than before, when he was full of life and warmth.. now he felt cold and lacked the sweet and innocent gleam in his eyes. “Are you eating..? How’s the chemo affecting you? I talked to a friend.. they said treatment you’re doing could harm the baby, darling. Did any of them tell you this?”

 

It felt so weird… to be treated so… _carefully_ by him. Akivya couldn’t remember Yuki ever being so… worried. It was awkward, but something about it was nice. He liked it- almost as much as he’d enjoyed what they’d done before, days spent on endless sex and strange bouts of attention interspersed with praise and affection, but not like this… not quite so… _careful._

 

He felt fragile, his hand seemingly smaller under Yuki’s than it had ever been before, fingers long and bony, wrapping around the other man’s palm as he attempted to give his husband a smile. “I’m great, Yuki. Really. I just… I just missed you is all. I’ve been so lonely! But I’m decorating and making gifts, so I’m keeping very busy…” he trailed off at the latter end of the questions, giving a soft glance to the Asian man before shutting his eyes.

 

“The baby… yes. I… I didn’t know until yesterday… but they said it should be fine. Just… no treatment for the next few weeks. I’m kinda stuck in remission, have to wait, I guess… but I can entertain myself, cuddlebun. You should visit me more often, though, I’ve really started to miss you. Plus, nobody in here seems to like me! They all call me odd and quirky, or sometimes crazy and loony. Well, except this one guy… he’s nice. I guess… I guess we’re friends. I dunno. But… it’s not the same. I don’t wanna be here, anymore, Yuki. I just want to die already… it’s so much work…”

 

Yuki let a deep sigh escape his lips, removing a hand from Akivya’s and brought it up to stroke his face. He should’ve expected a few declarations of wanting to die.. afterall, he knew for sure these treatments didn’t just leave a scratch on a once beautiful appearance, but also drained him of his youthful energy. It made him upset- Akivya was a beautiful soul, watching him die like this was horrible.

 

“You should’ve called me earlier, darling. If you would’ve told me.. I might’ve come sooner. It’s great you’re meeting people, I’m glad you’ve managed to make friends in this..” Yuki grimaced at the curtains, at the paintjob, at the rather atrocious view. “ _Place._ Once you’re further along, they said you can come home.. would you like that, darling?”

 

He leaned in, wrapping his arms around the bony shoulders of the boy. His lips gently pressing against his ears, letting him leaning against him. “You can come home, decorate the baby’s room anyway you want it, and then deliver it.. we can be a family- a true family. Siri told me he misses you, misses the way you kissed his skin, misses the way you felt against his chest.. don’t you want that to happen again, Aki? I do.”

 

It was quicker than he imagined it would be, but he could help but slide his hand down the boy’s light trousers, caressing the boy’s somewhat deformed length with his knuckles. “It’s been so long, Aki. I know you missed this.”

 

He’s shivering when he feels Yuki’s hand slip under the band of his pants, fingers barely teasing the underside of his length, enough that Akivya can’t help but shiver, letting a soft, almost unheard moan slip free from his lips. It’s almost all his has the strength for, looking up at Yuki with his words dying on his lips just at the expression he’s greeted with. He wants to push forward, rut against the older man’s hand until he can throw his head back and moan freely, wants Yuki to slide his pants past his ankles and push fingers into him until he’s pleading…

 

It’s been too long, and even now he isn’t sure if he wants it… isn’t sure if it’s okay. Because the first thing that leaves his mouth when he feels his husband’s hand slip further between his thighs is a light whisper of “I d-don’t know.” He doesn’t know what he means, isn’t sure if that means he wants Yuki to stop, but there’s something in his chest that’s so desperate, needs more, needs _him,_ that Akivya can’t keep the pleased whine from passing his lips as Yuki’s thumb teases the inside of his thigh.

 

There’s so much he wants to ask- _do you still want me, love me, think I’m pretty, think I’ll be a good mother, want me to come home…?_ The only thing that actually leaves his mouth is the word “Please.” It’s said with so much desperation, so much _need_ that Akivya isn’t surprised to feel himself trembling, thighs shaking as Yuki’s hand pushes them apart just slightly enough to make an impact, his lips quivering when he finally meets eyes with him. “Hngh… Y-Yuki… nn… I… I need…”

 

“Sh, darling..” he placed another kiss on his lips, moving his free hand to his chest and pushing him back up he’s laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. Akivya’s sweet, desperate moans were one of his favourite sounds.. how could it not be? So few people anymore were as innocent as him and it was fun to defile and make the innocent squeal his name until they’re bucking underneath him. “I know exactly what you need, I’ve always known.”

 

His other hand is moving down his torso again, very careful to remove his pants and toss them lightly to the floor, before moving to his tight underwear and pulling them down until they’re wrapped around his knees. He smiled at him once again, noticing how.. completely and utterly bare he looked. It seemed that it completely stripped him of more than just some hair on his head, but he wasn’t sure if this was just the doing of the therapy or not. He always liked it when he was soft- it was perfectly plausible for him to completely shaven himself. It didn’t matter that much to Yuki- he didn’t have much of an opinion on the matter.

 

Lightly stroking the side of his thigh with his finger, he teased the tip of his half-erect length and chuckled when precum seemed to gloss over his nail. Akivya wiggled underneath him, his hips struggling to control themselves as they bucked forward ever so slightly, desperate for him to _just take him already._

 

Content to tease him a bit longer, as a small addition to his punishment for hanging up up him and denying him yesterday, he carefully drew a finger underneath across the thin opening under his cock and let his hand slowly trace over every little bump, not enough to give him the pleasure he so desired, but enough to cause the boy to moan out another please. A short, but taunting kiss was placed on his hips, letting himself flash one of his very careful smiles.

 

“Akivya, my darling, do you remember when I said you had to be punished? When I was going to allow you to pick what you wanted? I’ve changed my mind.”

 

The younger man couldn’t prevent himself from hissing as Yuki’s fingers continued to tease him, pressing against his most vulnerable opening, something he’d never liked. The notion of being punished when he was already so weak made him feel even smaller. More vulnerable than he thought he’d ever felt before, biting his tongue to hold back his moans of pleasure, trying to keep quiet in case a nurse were to walk by…

 

When it becomes apparent that Yuki isn’t going to do more without an answer, Akivya hisses out a “Yes,” in a rather exasperated tone, only to tense up as he felt a hand slip underneath one of his thighs, hoisting it just enough for him to shudder yet again, one of his weak hands reaching up to steady against Yuki’s shoulder. Akivya shuts his eyes, letting his head fall back against the pillow, his body shifting underneath the older’s grip, before letting his eyes open just enough to make out the expression on Yuki’s face.

 

“I’m… I’m s-so… Yuki… I’ve been so _disobedient-_ I’m just a… a filthy, desperate… p-please…” he tries to revert to begging, although the tone is so much softer than it used to be that it just comes across as weak, whiny. Yuki used to… used to like it when Akivya begged him, thought it was attractive in a very annoying, submissive way… Akivya can’t remember when the last time he’d said anything like this was. Hell, he didn’t really want to say it now, and yet…

 

He wanted this more than he’d ever wanted to be touched before. Because it had been too long and he was wasting away in a hospital bed and _when am I gonna get this chance again?_

 

“There’s my good boy,” he kisses his stomach, very careful as to not show how pleased he was. Another emotion that seemed to progress rather quickly in his stomach was annoyance- he was rather hoping that he wouldn’t give in for another few moments so that he could continue playing with him until he decided that he’d have to punish him with or without his permission. Of course, he always knew that he had Akivya’s permission… he was married to him, and he was his, in every sense of the word, to play with and fuck whenever he wanted.

 

Dipping his head into his crotch until he’s just hovering slightly above his hips once again, he looks up to him and very quietly whispers, “You’re not allowed to cum until I tell you, my darling.. if you do, I’m going to have to punish you publicly again..”

 

(He secretly had other plans to punish him.. but he needed to have Akivya a bit more wet and a lot more willing. No matter. The foreplay was the best part.)

 

His tongue was doing violent and needy circles around his small length, breath against the now fully erected cock. It takes him only a minute to completely take him in his mouth before he could feel Akivya’s hand clawing his shoulder and hair, lightly thrusting his hips forward as he completely exposed his neck. His teeth sunk into his throbbing length, giving him a quick warning with this to calm down before he pushed down on his hips and continued sucking him gently. The man’s light moans, hushed so quietly due to his fear of a nurse or someone else mistaking his pleasured moans for something else and coming in. Secretly, he hoped someone would.. he always liked an audience.

 

He was completely overwhelmed by the feeling of Yuki’s mouth around him, tracing circles on his cock, his head sliding forward to take him in a little deeper. It was all Akivya could do not to buck his hips against the other’s mouth, his hands still placed on Yuki’s strong shoulders as he tried to ground himself, hold onto _something,_ at the very least.

 

Still, he couldn’t keep his moans from escalating, one of his hands flying up to cover his mouth so he wouldn’t be heard by anyone. He wasn’t surprised when the older man forcefully grabbed his arm, pulling it back down with a smirk and he dug teeth into Akivya’s length again, causing him to let out a rather sharp whimper.

 

He could only slide fingers into Yuki’s hair when he felt his mouth slip from his cock, so close to his breaking point, his hips thrusting against nothing as he tried desperately not to cum, tried to hold it in so the other couldn’t say a thing… but it was almost impossible, with Yuki trailing marks over his thighs, sucking and biting at them hard enough to leave marks.

 

Akivya wasn’t surprised when the other’s tongue went lower, his teeth nipping at the skin of the younger man’s opening, pushing in until he can slide his tongue against his barely stretched slit, probe the exposed entrance enough that Akivya’s hands all but fisted in Yuki’s hair, sucking in a deep breath. _Someone is going to hear,_ the thought to himself, trying to stay quiet even as Yuki’s mouth traced circles inside of him with his tongue, before pulling out again right when he felt close- too close, almost impossibly, practically on the verge of screaming-!

 

“Please… I-I can’t-”

 

Yuki didn’t respond that first, a small smile playing on his face as he grabbed Akivya’s hips and began his very slow descent up to his back, forcing Akivya onto his stomach. The boy wiggled underneath him, arching his hips and torso back until Yuki’s kneeling over the back of him. Stripping himself of his own clothes, he brought the man’s hips to him and bit down on his shoulder, inserting himself inside the boy’s now pulsing asshole.

 

“You can, darling,” he let’s himself laugh once, voice not as strongly controlled as before. “You may come after I do so… not before- if you do,” he leaned over to his ear, letting his tongue trace the thin piece of cartilage on his ear before biting down with a moan slipping from the boy’s lips. “You’re going to be punished.. I’m sure your lovely new friend would love to see you choke back my cock, don’t you think? Maybe he’d want to watch you swallow my pleasure, moan my name, darling..”

 

His hips are forceful at getting a response, a quick and almost painful pace that isn’t helped at all by Akivya’s sudden weakness and own thrusts, enjoying the restrained and needy moans and cries the boy makes. Yuki hadn’t felt so desperate in such a long time- no, he typically always had what he wanted and last night might’ve been the first time he was denied something that he truly wanted. By Akivya no less, which only proved to piss him off. If he wouldn’t have denied him, forced him to go find Siri and fuck him instead, maybe he would be willing to actually try and please the boy instead of punish him in his own way. It might’ve made a difference.

 

Keeping a firm hand on his hips and the other on his head scarf, he couldn’t help but move his teeth back up to his exposed neck and biting down onto it, forcing him away from the pillow he kept biting to silence his scream, which only made him a rather high pitched and close to finished cry of his own. His breath was so… unsteady, shaky and almost a perfect melody in his ears.

 

He felt so weak, practically useless underneath Yuki’s grip, teeth sinking into his flesh of his neck enough that he was sure it would bruise, his hands fumbling to grasp hold of the sheets. He could feel his scarf slipping from his head, only further causing him to give an upset moan, unable to look at anything. Akivya shut his eyes, pushing himself back against Yuki’s thick cock, trying to keep up with the pace that had grown rather rough and painful.

 

He choked back another throaty, long moan, digging teeth into the fabric of the pillow as the thrusts sped up, further and further until he could feel Yuki breathe a sigh of relief as a sudden warmth spread inside of him, a clear sign that the other had released. Akivya had to swallow a cry of his own as heat began to build up in his head, his eyes shutting and his hips thrusting backward before he finally let go, spilling himself all over the bedsheets with a displeased groan.

 

Almost abruptly, despite everything that was going on, a flash of light caught the corner of his eye, slowly growing against the white walls as the door swung inward and he heard someone call his name, briefly, entirely too scared to move, and yet completely desperate to. His hands struggled to push back against Yuki, try and shove him off, but it was to no avail, the older man firmly pinning him in place, Akivya too weak to move any more.

 

“Please, Yuki…” he started, choking out the words as he tried to push him away from his back. “Let go- p-pull out…”

 

Yuki smiled carefully, biting back the smile as best he could but let the smile leak out of his words as he brought his hand down to probe his back entrance, hard kisses marking him across his neck very carefully. He was well aware of the man entering the room, calling for his Akivya, and his darling boy needed to face the second part of his punishment.. “Think of this as your other punishment, Akivya.. this is what happens when you try and go around with no respect for me- you need to learn that your place is, and will forever be beside me, whether my toy or my husband. Do you remember when we exchanged vows, how I told you that you were officially mine?”

 

His thumb forces it’s way in, slick and loose from being penetrated just a few moments ago, pounding against the inside of his ass. Enjoying the very clear desperate and embarrassed moans the boy tries to swallow back, he couldn’t help but wrap a hand around his throat and gripe. He knew about his rather.. perfect ability, that he could climax twice, and always enjoyed forcing him to do so.

 

He’s cut off very quickly from doing so by a loud crashing sound, glass shattering against the flooring, and a loud squeak.

 

“I-I’m..” Keon swallowed the bile that attempted to erupt from his throat, though failed to control the high pitched tone of his voice. “Aki.. I-I-I… fuck- I.. I didn’t mean to-”

 

The man on top of his kept his head down, ignoring Akivya’s demands to be released, and continued doing whatever to his body. Watching it made him feel sick, slowly remembering the last time he was in this situation. With Everett and- the shame and illness that he had once before returned, slowly backtracking from the room. His throat felt raw, dry and scratchy, and his stomach painfully twisting until he’s sure that at any moment he’s going to end up collapsing.

 

Akivya isn’t sure where the strength comes from that he’s able to force himself away from Yuki, pushing himself up with his elbows and attempting to roll over in the bed. looking back toward the door. Before he was able to stop himself, a soft sob echoed from his throat, looking up to his husband and then back to the door, feeling his thighs still trembling and an extreme ache that ran through his spine.

 

He wanted to vomit, felt so… so _bad_ that Keon had walked in on that, wanting nothing more than to run out and apologize to him, tell him that _it’s my husband and he just wanted to_ or _are you okay? I didn’t mean for you to… see that, fuck, I just-_

 

Instead, he shut his mouth, looking up at Yuki almost entirely submissively, like a question for what he should do, where he should go from here. When the older man simply smirks at him, Akivya struggled to slide out of the bed, grabbing for the bright colored pants lying on the floor, pulling his underwear back up to cover himself, still able to feel Yuki’s release staining his ass and his own spread across his thighs.

 

“I didn’t want this,” Akivya finally said, breath heavy as he struggled to pull the pants on and all but limped over to the door, swinging it open and looking out into the hallway. He’s sure there are tears on his cheeks when he calls out Keon’s name, entirely too quiet in the loudness of the ward, his hands shaking as his digs fingers into the white fabric of his sweater, trying to rush over to the younger man.

 

“Keon- Ke-Ke, please… I didn’t mean to… for you to s-see that.”

 

Keon’s pushing him back, keeping a firm hand on his mouth as an attempt to keep the vomit down, but fails to. “St..stay back, don’t touch me,” he swallows, glaring at him as he smacks away his hand before throwing himself to nearest small trashcan on the floor. Tears leaked down his face as vomit stained and burned his mouth, reminding him how truly weak and pathetic he really is now. He couldn’t even watch someone get fucked without getting sick- so much for therapy.

 

Keon fell to his knees, holding his stomach as he rested his forehead on the disgusting sticky part of the trashcan. The light feeling of Akivya’s hands wrapping around his shoulders should be comforting, but they only prove to make him feel more angry and pull away from from him. His body felt.. used and disgusted again, even if it’d been so long and Akivya wasn’t like him, he was gentle and sweet, his touch was nice- something he wanted, not something that made his body tighten up and flinch from.

 

“Akivya- s-..stop, please,” he’s running a hand through his hair, pulling it until he’s sure that his hair is being ripped out from this. “I..You c-can’t touch me- he-”

 

His words are cut off from a nurse shouting his name, very quickly rushing down the hall and stopping in front of him. She grabbed at his face, trying to inspect his face more- only to be slapped harshly at by the twenty year old, recoiling into a tight ball. His body convulsed, almost wanting to completely collapse, to just- make itself completely disappear or become nothing so that it didn’t have to be touched anymore.

 

In the distance, Keon manages to see it when he’s forced from his ball, is the man slowly making his way towards them with his cane, a gentle smile on his face as he pulled Akivya away from protest- only for Keon to lose sight of them both when a rather tall male nurse is blocking his view and they’re injecting something inside of his neck. It pinches for only a moment before black dots are taking over his eyesight, the world feeling only numb and his body going limp enough for arms to be wrapped around his body once again. The feeling to react feels a thousand miles away, slowly losing consciousness.

 

* * *

 

He was crying- loud, pitiful, echoing sobs as he finally managed to meet eyes with Yuki again, wrapping his arms around his chest tightly, certain that his eyes are puffy and red. He can feel the tears spilling over his cheeks, like tiny rivers that he can’t force away, swallowing back a low moan that only serves to exhaust his voice. It’s not long before he’s trying to pull himself back into bed, barely giving a second glance to the soiled pink sheets or the rather abused pillow as he presses his face into the mattress.

 

He barely manages to turn over, his hands shaking as the grasped hold of the blanket, eyes wanting to shut desperately as he continued to let out soft whines, whimpers that he wasn’t sure were even heard, looking up at his husband almost desperately as he tucks his knees up, practically rolling into a ball as he continues to stare at him, pink scarf now wrapped tightly around his head as an attempted comfort.

 

“Yuki, why… why do I always ruin everything?” Akivya finally asks, practically muffling his words into the pillow, enough that he thinks they could suffocate him, his entire being suddenly too weak and exhausted to even move, simply staring at the older man as he waits for a response. “Y-you and Siri don’t even want me anymore… don’t know why I expected anyone else to… I just… broke him. Didn’t mean to, you know. I was supposed to be cheering him up. Wanted to just make him feel happy… like everyone else. But I’m bad at everything I do, aren’t I?”

 

Yuki wrapped the younger boy in his embrace once again, lightly kissing the top of his bald head. His voice was controlled as always, though noticeably softer than before. “Oh no darling, your friend has his problems on his own.. did you see how he reacted when you were touching him, how the nurses had to sedate him because he was becoming violent..? The boy was clearly disturbed, you didn’t do anything that wouldn’t have ruined him anyway.”

 

He couldn’t place a finger on what was exactly wrong with him, but it was clear as day to him when he saw the boy huddle up which his knees to his chest. He was surprised to have found out that Akivya had made a friend that was a bit under- the boy had a talent for making friends with those he should stay away from. That included himself, of course. Still.. he wasn’t the best at making decisions for himself. He needed someone to guide him- which is why he had him.

 

“And shut your mouth,” he almost teasingly slapped his cheek, moving his head down so that he was staring at him. “Siri and I want you very much, that’s why I came here together, my darling. That should’ve been as clear as day to you. Don't let such things run through your mind- do you understand me?”

 

“I…” Akivya started, only able to take a breath briefly as he looked up at the Asian man. He still had tears in his eyes, slipping free unintentionally, his breathing heavy and labored. He shuts his eyes, briefly, trying to calm himself, because everything was unsteady and it felt like the world was collapsing right now and he had no idea what to do.

 

When Yuki’s arm wrapped around his shoulders again, pulling Akivya’s head to his chest, the younger couldn’t help letting out a long sigh, raising his eyes to meet those of his husband as he finally said, quietly, “W-why did you want to divorce me? Is it because of my body? That’s- that’s really selfish, Yuki. I can still… I can still do some of the things from before… you don’t have to get rid of me- I mean, I’m having your baby, sugarplum! You’re still my honey bunny.”

 

He rolled over on one side, his head pressing further against Yuki’s chest as he let out a soft sigh, hiding his face against the man’s shirt, pulling the scarf further around his head as he brushes the stray tears from his face. “Fuck… I just… I feel so _worthless,_ Yu-Yu. I don’t wanna just… I don’t know. Please, just… don’t leave me alone again. When we married… you said ‘in sickness or in health’, right? Please…”

 

Yuki hugged his body against his, careful to be gentle the shaking boy. “Hush, darling… you don’t need to worry about any of this right now.. rest your eyes; it’s still early, get some sleep. It’s already so stressful, that’s not good for the baby is it?”

 

He laid a gentle hand on his stomach, forcing him to lay down, noticing how his face was red and swollen, tears leaking down his face. Leaning in to kiss his forehead, he simply smiled carefully at him. “I’m sorry,” it didn’t feel like an apology. “It was all said in the heat of the moment.. I was upset, confused, angry- forgive me for lashing out, darling.” another kiss, on his lips and hand taking ahold of his. “I love you, please understand this. You’re always going to be mine.”

 

Standing up, he pulled the cum stained sheet over his body. His hand found his cane and he leaned in once, “I’ll need to get going, my darling. Please, calm down and rest. For the baby, for me. I’ll try and come visit you..” he glanced a quick look to the rest of his body, another small smile gracing his lips. “We can continue where we finished off. Goodbye, darling.”

 

He was shivering, almost violently, because he still felt so upset and everything hurt and he felt like he was going to break in two. More than anything, Akivya just wanted to call out to him- _please don’t leave me, not alone, not like this._ His tears were hot against his cold skin, barely able to hold Yuki’s gaze when he finally murmurs a quiet, almost unheard, “Goodbye,” in response.

 

When he hears the door shut, almost too loudly for his ears, and footsteps crossing the floor in the hallway outside, it’s all Akivya can do not to breathe out a sigh of relief as well as a sigh of panic. Pulling the blanket up around his shoulders, he rolls over onto his back, staring at the ceiling covered with paper stars yet again, the light from the windows practically making them dance. But a part of him felt distraught; very upset and very lonely, like little more than a commoner or street rat in comparison to everyone else.

 

He didn’t like being stuck in here, waiting out his last few months while constantly in pain, unable to take care of himself or let himself be taken care of in a way he was comfortable with. And maybe it’s because he’s dying, because he knows that he has absolutely no chance to control it and no chance to fix anything and everyone just looks at him like he’s someone to be… to feel sad for, but he _isn’t._

 

He just wants something bright in his life- laughter and genuine smiles and music and color and light. And there’s absolutely nothing that can make him feel the way he used to… happy. Normally, he wouldn’t care about fucking in a hospital bed. In fact, he would’ve considered it fun- would’ve looked at Keon in the door and done some sort of suggestive look or escalated his moans. Normally, the praise and hints of compassion that Yuki showed him would be enough to allow him to smile for days… but not now.

 

Now everything just felt awful. Because he was dying and he at least wanted to do something right before he did. Akivya couldn’t even focus on things he used to, preoccupied with trying to _make the world a better place_ or whatever bullshit he was actually trying to do. It was enough that it meant something to him… but not enough to mean something to anyone else. And he’d made Keon upset, and that was something that made him upset too, and-!

 

There just wasn’t a point, was there? Maybe there never had been.


	2. sickness and health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keon and Akivya's relationship simultaneously gets better and worse... hard to expect anything ordinary when you're a cancer patient and a psych patient who are about to have a kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) we need to start working on this again.

Keon scratched at the restraints the best he could, though was barely able to even get the top of the leather cuffs. It itched and bit as his skin, forcing his arms away from him or to the faces of the nurses that strapped him down to the bed. He couldn’t blame them.. he was so erratic, screaming and cursing at them, unconsolable as he wailed the entire time they managed to get him to his room, even with the sedative. It’d really suck if they had gotten hurt because of him, he’d have to apologize to any of them for it.. or not. They probably didn’t want to see him.. who would.

 

Akivya probably hated him, he was sure of that. Pushing him, crying, swearing… Poor Aki watched him completely breakdown- while.. while he was trying to comfort him, but he just- just throw him to the side. Akivya didn’t deserve that..

 

Wiping his eyes, it was so clear to him that the drugs hadn’t completely drained from his system, still causing his body to feel so foggy and tired as he watched the nurses and patients walk by his bed. They all seemed to ignore him.. it was so sad- he wanted one of them to stop by, to talk to him.. he missed Aki.. Aki would’ve talked to him, yeah, he would’ve walked right into his little room and talk to him until he had to go.

 

But he wouldn’t because Keon pushed him away and made upset..

 

So carefully to turn his head to look at his roommate, Julian, he smiled at him. Julian was a rather tall fellow, just like him, so cute and buggy looking.. but he was so quiet, yet explosive. He was weird, only ever talking about his boss and how much he loved him.. Often, Keon wondered why he was here.. and then he saw Julian’s rather transparent self destructive behaviour and smiled even more; _he was just like him._

 

“Julian,” his voice was high, like he smoked a bit too much and he was a bit giggly because of it. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the drugs or what he was thinking about. “D...did you see me? I.. Aki- I saw him, na-fucking.. h-he… Yuki, I think?” His words went everywhere, recalling the event so clearly and eloquently in his head, but almost inanely outside of it. “He touched.. like- Everett… he fucked him like.. him. H-he made.. Aki-”

 

The man was confused, to say the least- here was Keon, his roommate for Carmine-knows-how many months now, a guy who had _never once_ talked to him for more than a couple “hey”s and “how’s it going”s. Still, Julian offered the other a smile that he _hoped_ wasn’t completely whitewashed and fake, as he finally said, “Aki? Is t-that the pretty guy who visited you the other day? Thought he was a girl. H-he brought you flowers… while you were out. Didn’t touch them, I promise.”

 

It was better than usual, managing to get through the words with only a couple cracks in his voice, although he couldn’t help lingering on what the younger man had said- something about _him._ How he fucked him like _him._ The thought was enough that he just barely managed to focus on it, his thoughts flitting between Keon’s words and Carmine, wondering if his boss was going to visit him again this week, hoping he would more than ever. He had so much to tell him… and maybe Keon would be nice enough that they could… _I dunno, be friends?_ Maybe it was kind of stupid to think about it, because Julian was as far from being a ‘people person’ as he could get, although that didn’t stop Gioia from calling him a kiss up every chance she got.

 

Not that he cares. He’s willing to do anything to prove his devotion to his beloved. Just like… maybe like Keon?

 

Even then, though, it didn’t stop him from being a little more curious than he probably should’ve been, thinking about all the references to _he_ and _him_ and the way Keon had all but choked on his words when he said it. “Who’s he?” Julian asks, completely blunt and unfiltered as he waits for the other to respond.

 

Keon stirred at his words, a smile going on his face and rubbed his head against the pillow and tried to buck his hips far enough to sit up. It looked strange, a bit awkward, but Keon couldn’t give a single shit about what he looked like right now. “Me,” he looked at him, his eyes dropping a bit and his words sounding so tired. “When Everett… Yuki touched Aki.. my Aki, like he.. he was whining, but.. _he-Yuki-Everett… he wouldn’t get off._ Aki.. it hurt, and I screamed.. and-and-and he fucked him- and he liked it, Julian…”

 

It wasn’t like he wasn’t confused- he was, completely and utterly, barely able to piece together the string of words that Keon had managed to get out. “You’re high,” Julian finally said, because yeah, sedatives could do that sometimes, and it was pretty clear that Keon had no idea what he was talking about right now. Well, _Keon_ had an idea, but it sounded more like gibberish. If he could piece it together…

 

“Keon?” He finally asked, his eyes slipping shut just briefly, before he finally asked the question, “Were you raped?”

 

Keon doesn’t hesitant to respond, closing his eyes and rubbing his legs together before he does though, giving him a very quiet answer. “He.. he said he- me, love.. Everett gave me too much… it hurt- the glass and his teeth- Julian, he.. he touched Aki like that- a-and Aki tried to touch me and I..I didn’t want it to happen again- he-he…” Keon pulled at the restraints, trying to pull down that long sleeves just enough to show him the very pale, but clear cuts and burns on his arms.

 

“I..Aki- I loved-love.. Everett.. he said I liked it-I didn’t… he-he lied and I..I cut it because it hurt-” Keon rambles, growing more and more upset as he tries to get out the right words. “I..Yuki, he.. he was.. Aki-”

 

The other’s response, barely about to leave his lips, is cut off when the door opens, just barely enough for a rather tiny figure to walk in, take one look at Keon, and shut their eyes. It almost seems like they’re crying, looking at him, when he seems like such a mess, and Julian barely manages to say, “You shouldn’t have had to go through that,” not really sure what else to say, leaving the words open to interpretation.

 

Akivya stood there for a few long moments, simply staring at Keon with his eyes wide, before he presses the flowers down on the table beside the bed and sits down in a chair, his breathing heavy and erratic. “K-Keon… you’re my bunbun… didn’t mean for it to happen… please. Are you okay? I… I’ve been needing to see you so bad. The flowers are pretty. They’re pink. Kinda like me. I just want you to be okay…”

 

“Aki..” he presses the best he can forward, unsure if he’s actually real or not. “I’m sorry I hurt you...they wouldn’t--” he pulled at the restraints once again, frowning the best he could after it seemed all the words in his throat died. “See? Everett.. he-he hurt you-- I didn’t mean to throw up.. don’t.. mad- I-I..”

 

He tries to look over to Julian, desperate for him to continue what he was saying- _I’m sorry for making you sad- Yuki-Everett-he-I.. hurt you and..and I didn’t know-you.. touched me and he touched me too; I didn’t know.”_

 

Akivya knows that the tears that spring to his eyes are the absolute last thing that would be good for Keon, and despite the knowing, he can’t help it when he finally does start to cry. He’s amazed that he has this capacity for tears, because he’s cried more in the past two days than he has in months of cancer treatment and therapy, and he just wants to grab Keon, to hold onto him and never let go, but it seems like such a bad idea…

 

He finally manages to choke out, “You didn’t- nobody hurt me, Ke-Ke. I-I’m fine, see? I came to visit. Because I want you to be okay too. I just- I’m not good at this. I wanna make you happier. But I don’t know how, and I’m sorry. I didn’t m-mean to touch you, bunbun. I… I didn’t mean to do this…”

 

“Yes-yes-yes,” he keeps repeating it to himself, obviously distressed with the tears that flew down his neck and Akivya’s. He tried to wipe them away, away from Aki’s eyes, though only got frustrated, when he couldn’t. “Hurt- it did.. you.. I.. it tore-yes? I..wanted to.. sorry. Fuck- Everett, he.. he took you.. it’s.. I love you..”

 

He only seemed to get worse, pulling away from his restraints, trying to do something, he didn't know what. It only made him angry when Akivya didn’t know what he was trying to- to apologize, that’s right… to tell him what happened- and kept talking over him. Nothing he did seemed to work.. fuck- he was so stupid, getting worked up over this. “Take.. off,” he stopped clawing at the air, twisting his wrist to show more than just the restraints. “It hurts.. Aki- I… I need you too.. don’t leave.”

 

The way Keon is speaking only makes him feel worse; it’s like a lump in his chest that grows into an abyss, like a black hole, threatening to swallow him. Still, he doesn’t hesitate, crouching at Keon’s side and letting his hands fumble to undo the restraints around his wrists. “Ke-Ke, I’m fine, you’re- you’re fine, please, calm down. I don’t- fuck, I don’t know what to do… sweetie… I-I just want us to be happy. I want… I love you too, babycakes. I’m not gonna leave unless you kick me out. Just wanna be with you, Keon. I’m not… not gonna hurt you like he did, you know? Never. You’re my bunbun and I’ll keep you safe.”

 

He thinks it makes sense-hopes it’s enough to calm Keon down for the moment, because even if he doesn’t understand, he understands that he keeps saying somebody’s name, recoiling and crying, and that’s just not a good sign. He was experienced in some things- maybe not great at following hospital policy (restraints), but he could be a nurse if he wanted. People actually _liked_ him, after all. And he wanted to take care of Keon! Just because they were friends now and that basically meant they were a lifeline for each other in the hospital. And maybe they couldn’t have sleepovers and movie marathons and stuff actual friends did, but it counted.

 

“Keon…? Honey boo? You alright? Those restraints were super tight and not in the good way,” he gives an offhand smile, trying to pull himself to his feet again. “But I’m here now! And I’m gonna treat you better. Like how a nurse should. Tying people down… it’s inhumane. And my poor Ke-Ke as well…” he laughs a little at the last part. “Seriously though. Maybe I should make you some new curtains or something… the hospital looks so dull, really… it doesn’t do anything for your mood but bring it down.”

 

“Aki..” he grabs his wrists, looking at the slight purple markings around it. It hurt so much.. it’d leave a bruise, he knew it. He wanted to be angry- to scream and curse at the hospital for doing this to his wrist, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. It pissed him off that he couldn’t even force himself to become angry.

 

“I..I want that,” he finally said after awhile, his voice slower and softer than he’s ever managed it to be. “Do..don’t ever make it dull again- Everett, h-he.” he doesn’t know why he keeps screaming his name, but… it oddly makes him feel better. “I..I want to.. beautiful- orange, pink, yellow.. Blues. I like.. blues.”

 

“You told me, Ke-Ke. We’re like a couple, pink and blue. It’s so cutesy! But your room really does need some cheer in it… they can’t leave it dull and bland like this. I’m gonna make you some paper stars- unless you prefer the hearts- and we’ll hang them up on the ceiling together. It’ll look so nice… you can look at your ceiling and see the stars the same way I do, and we can think of each other and stuff. I like that idea. Don’t you?”

 

He gave Keon another smile, adjusting the pink scarf on his forehead as he gave a glance to the window, too dirty to really be able to see out of… the fuck did they think they were doing, locking him up like this? It made Akivya angry- something he wasn’t used to feeling, unless he was being completely ignored or cast out in lieu of some fucking _dickwad_ who didn’t even deserve to be with… never mind that. “We need to talk to them about the windows. It’s really just not fair of them. They’re isolating you from society! But I guess it’s okay, as long as they don’t keep you away from me.”

 

“I...I don’t want them to touch-” he swallowed again, being reminded how sore and scratchy his throat sounded. “I like it. Don’t… yell. Not- not like Everett.”

 

He wrapped his blanket around him, laying down into the pillows and smiling. It’s gentle, happy, and feels perfect on his face for the oddest reason. “I’m.. tired- really tired, A..Aki. Sleep.. lay down with.. me, please.. I..until I fall asleep?”

 

Akivya’s almost surprised at the words that leave Keon’s mouth, the tears in his eyes still falling, although more gently now. Giving a light sniffle, trying to perk himself up, he smiles back at Keon, almost entirely too happy to see that expression on his face. It’s only a few seconds before he’s replying “Okay,” and slipping into the bed next to Keon, lying down next to him, although not touching all that much. “I love you, Ke-Ke. So much.”

 

* * *

 

 

His body felt like someone had proceeded to throw him down a long hill and he hit every hill on the way there, along with feeling rather dizzy and fuzzy on what happened after he was sedated last night. He could remember crying a lot, Akivya, his roommate.. whatever he said was lost- all coming in quick little snappets. A heavy ran through his body, once that caused him to notice how painfully tight his body was, upset at himself for acting like that.

 

It’s not until he could feel someone shifting against his body, moaning loudly. His heart froze, terror seemed to travel across his ribs, almost painfully. Looking down his torso, he learned of Akivya’s sleeping body cuddled against his body, head rubbing against his armpit and hand lightly gripping his gown. A dark blush spread against his entire face, unsure of what he was supposed to do- fuck, he didn’t want him to touch him, his touched burned and bit at his skin.. but- fuck- he looked so nice and peaceful laying down, a complete opposite than he has for so long now..

 

“A-Aki..” he tried to be quiet, to not wake him, but hoped that he’d wake up at the sound of his voice. “P-please.. w-wake you?”

 

His voice was so quiet at the end, like he wasn’t used to speaking more than just a few notes.. he wasn’t sure how- it hurt to talk, so much, but he had to. All he wanted to do was.. talk to him? Apologize? He didn’t really know exactly what he wanted to do. He just wanted Akivya’s fingers off his side to stop the burning sensation.

 

He was cold- that was all Akivya realized when he finally woke up, the chill of the room clinging to his skin even underneath the red sweater and the scarf pulled over his head. The hospital slippers on his feet did barely anything to calm the frigid feeling that took over his body, making a shiver run through his back and down his legs, as well as a feeling of emptiness that pooled in his gut.

 

He barely noticed the whispers until he looked up and matched eyes with Keon- the younger man looked so… so different. Scared, uncertain, frustrated… it was a few seconds before Akivya came to his senses again, withdrawing his hand and shifting over on the bed away from Keon. “O-oh… ‘m sorry, Ke-Ke… didn’t mean to stay so long…”

 

He’s adjusting the scarf on his head and grabbing for the pink gloves in the pocket of his sweats, pulling them onto his cold, bony hands with a sad smile to the other. Ignoring the trembling of his body and the pain in his side, almost like a pulsing sensation in his stomach, he pushes himself up until he’s sitting, hesitantly saying, “I should go… I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“N-no,” he finally manages to say. “P..please, you’re fine. D-did.. I do anything to you earlier-I didn’t.. h-hurt you, r-right? I-I’m sorry..”

 

Keon looked down at his wrists, noting that they were now a pale purple colour that seemed so disgusting on him. Was.. yes- he was restrained, he could remember the nurses having to restrain him because of his breakdown. He fucked up so bad.. and for something so little too. In front of Aki and his husband no less. _You’re so fucked up, Keon. You only ever fuck up, always breaking down and doing the exact opposite that you’re supposed to do.. this is why you’re here- because you’re so utterly useless. Akivya knows this.. you made a sickly patient care about you, pity you. That’s how pathetic you are.._

 

“Please never leave.. I.. don’t want to be alone, not now,” and he didn’t stop being pathetic, it seemed. “I.. I’m sorry for yesterday- you.. you didn’t deserve it. Or-or Yuki.”

 

“Keon,” Akivya said, frowning at the younger man as he pulls his sweater further around him, practically huddling. It made him sad to see Keon sad; upset about something he hadn't seemed to have any control over, looking on the verge of tears…

 

“Bunbun, you didn't hurt me… you… you just made me scared. I was so worried about you, hon… you just started screaming and thrashing and I… I didn't know what was wrong! Just wanted to help, Ke-Ke. You're… I love you.” He took a deep breath, offering Keon a soft smile. “ I just wanna make you feel better… I didn't want you to see that, I just… I'm…” _I'm a fucking whore? Desperate? Needy? Willing to beg to be touched?_

 

It made him sick, thinking about it, about all the things he was sure Yuki would've said, would've called him, and how… how _filthy_ he’d felt, letting the man fuck him in a hospital… as if he wasn't already in such bad shape… “Y-Yuki…” he can't keep his lip from trembling as he forces out his husband’s name. “He just… he doesn't… I don't wanna think about…” he paused, swallowing, before he admits it. “He scares me, Ke-Ke. I'm… I'm fucking _terrified_ of my husband…”

 

“Scares.. you?”

 

Keon’s hands turn into painfully tight fists, staring at him with anger he himself has never actually seen before. They looked so _happy_ yesterday, it sounded almost make believe in ears.. he trusted him though, he wouldn’t lie to him… “Does.. he.. ya know..? Hit you?”

 

Swallowing the bile that’s decided to return in his throat, he slowly let himself place a hand on his arm, trying to comfort him. “I..I can do something if you want.. if he scares you..”

 

“He…” Akivya doesn't know where to start, trying to ease over the lump in his throat and fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt again. He tries to hold back the words, voice drawing down to a whimper as he finally hisses, “Not… not often… he just… he says that I don't understand things, that I don't know what I want, that I'm… not in my right mind most of the time. If I refuse him something, he threatens me… and he's always calling me a whore. Telling me to desperate I am and how he's the only one who knows what I need. If I say… if he knew about you… he'd say that I'm being a slut. Probably tell me I'm spreading my legs for you and yell at me for ‘sleeping with everyone who looks at me’. It's… he just scares me, Keon. I feel like he's gonna kill me one day.”

 

He tries not to show Keon how affected he is when he finally says, “He's so nice usually… it's just… sometimes, he gets really bad. And I don't even think he loves me, Keon. He… he fucked me when he said he wanted a divorce because of the cancer, and I asked him to stop- I wanted it at first, but… I felt awful after. I thought you hated me…”

 

At first he doesn’t know how to respond, staring at the boy’s shameful face and licking his lips because suddenly his entire body feels completely dry. All he could really figure out to do was stare at him with just this absolute face of pity and distress. “He.. fuck him. Aki, he doesn’t deserve you, not if he treats you like this.”

 

He could feel himself growing angrier, forcing himself to stand to face him, almost falling as he stood on weak legs. His hands found Akivya’s, though he almost wanted to recoil as soon as he touched him, and forced him to stare up at him. It felt like he was intimidating him into this, but.. it felt right to do so. (But so wrong.) “Don’t.. don’t let him force you into things you don’t want to do. He doesn’t deserve your politeness.”

 

Cupping his face until he’s only an inch away, Keon breathes a very quick, “If he ever.. ever touches you or tries to force himself on you again.. tell me- I’ll.. protect you. Promise.”

 

Keon doesn’t tell how much Yuki reminded him of Everett.. how he kept overpowering him, forcing himself onto him, everything that he did just mirrored the fucker. It made him sick.. so fucking sick that he justed to throw up again and scream until it was completely out of his system. Poor Akivya.. he-he didn’t deserve anyone to ever treat him like that - he needed someone to hold and kiss him gently, remind him how perfect and amazing he was.. not force him to fuck like he’s some goddamn animal and they’re trying to break them.

 

The look on Akivya’s face makes him want to melt, breaking his harsh glare, and the most he could do is use the side of his thumb to caress the side of his face. Another part of him wants to kiss him, to remind him that there are other people in the world who would never do the things that Yuki does, but he can’t bring himself to even move his lips closer to him or else he thinks he might really throw up. Thinking of Everett just a moment ago only makes the feeling worse- the feeling of his harsh, greedy lips sucking on his button one, forcing his legs apart, his hands tight around his his shoulder that meant only the worst if he even dares move. He forces himself to swallow back these memories, forget the tears in his eyes and try and stare back at the boy in front of him, giving him the best smile he can force himself to give.

 

“You’re better than him, Aki. You’re better than me even- don’t.. don’t let yourself think that he really loves you: because he doesn’t. Not at all. Love doesn’t hurt.. it’s not painful or forceful, it’s gentle and beautiful. Just like you, Aki.. but if you let him - let him continue this - you’re not going to be either of those things anymore. He’ll suck you dry and you’ll just become a weary cancer patient. Don’t ever become that- for me, please. You’re too perfect for that.”

 

He’s almost on the verge of tears again, blinking rapidly as to try and keep his eyes dry, entirely too upset with the words despite knowing that they’re exactly what he needs. As they leave Keon’s lips, they sound so… sincere and so open and so straightforward that it’s almost impossible not to listen. But the listening only makes that ache split open his chest once again and his hands tense up as he curls fingers into his bright sweatpants.

 

“Keon,” he finally says, voice so drained of energy, so exhausted that he barely recognizes it as his own, reaching forward until he can just barely touch the younger man’s arm, slide fingers around his long, straight ones and clasp them tightly, almost as if wishing desperately for something that isn’t even possible.

 

“Why couldn’t I have ended up with you…?” That’s all he manages to get out, what he finally says, pulling his hand away to brush tears from his eyes, off of his cheeks that seem more pale than dark at the moment, despite how impossible that is. Raising his head so he can look at the other’s face, take in the soft-yet-harsh eyes and quivering lower lip, his manages to say, “I love you, Ke-Ke.” He tries to offer him a smile, just a faint one, his lips barely quirking upward as he nods once, slowly, before pulling away.

 

“I’m already a weary cancer patient, Keon… but don’t worry! Everything can get better… i-if you think about it enough.” He paused, swallowing. “I know you’ve seen something worse...but I love you. You’re my bunbun. And I’m gonna make you feel better. Just wait and see. There’s no way- no way I won’t be able to. I’m almost contagious- let’s just hope the cancer isn’t.” It’s a bad joke, but the smaller man hopes it does the trick, even if it’s only barely accompanied by a grin and the words seem more rushed and less genuine.

 

He smiles, even if the joke is plain awful. “You’re very contagious, Aki.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuki’s hand remained firmly on Akivya’s, not bothering to spare even a glance down at him while they waited for the doctor to return to the room. Akivya was cold underneath him, bony and freezing, which alarmed him. He despised the lack of warmth he got from Akivya now, it was almost insulting to him. It felt like the man he married was just a corpse now, so close to it already that he had to do a double take when he saw him earlier today. Whatever happened to the beautiful glow that women received when they were pregnant? Akivya only had clammy, pale skin.

 

“You’re getting to be too pale,” Yuki says, rubbing the palm of his hand on his husband’s shoulders. “That’s not good for the baby, Aki.. we’ll need to get you outside more.”

 

The only thing that leaves his lips is a long sigh, a few moments passing before he shuts his eyes, feeling Yuki’s other hand slip lower to rest on his swollen abdomen, the lump under his clothes feeling abnormally small with how tiny his body had become. Akivya gave a glance to Yuki, half depressed and half acknowledging, letting his hand move to rest on top of Yuki’s, thin fingers trailing over the other’s average ones.

 

“Yuki… it’s okay. I’m not gonna let anything happen to my tiny bunbun. I can take care of it on my own! I mean, it’s like you- like you don’t think I know what I’m doing. I’m the one who has this thing inside my body, anyway.”

 

His hand tightened on his wrist, though released with a small squeak from Akivya. “Why do you insist on putting words in my mouth that you know for a fact that I did not say,” he let his voice raise for a second, just ever so slightly, before returning it to his normal tight and controlled tone. He stared at him for another long moment, almost threatening him to try and debate him on that, but when he doesn’t try to, he let’s himself give him another smile.

 

“You’re tired and stressed,” he grace his lips with a soft kiss. “You can have a pass on being this way.”

 

Moving a hand to brush back his beanie, he smiled when he felt light prickles on his hand. “Your hair is growing back,” he says. “When the baby comes, perhaps your hair will be back to its original length. Maybe we can give it a nice cut.. do you remember when I let you cut it like that one actress you liked? You liked that hair piece, I believe.. you’re going to look stunning.”

 

Akivya bit down on his lower lip, taking the back edge into his mouth when he felt blood dripping from it ever so slightly, barely raising his eyes to look at Yuki as the older man’s hand continued to brush across his head. He felt so… _exposed_ without his scarves or hats, his head so cold and…face so unattractive to anyone who cared to look. The thought of having his hair back was nice, but… it wasn’t a possibility, not like it had been before.

 

Still, he couldn’t help the ache in his chest for an answer to at least something, finally raising his eyes to meet Yuki’s another time before he inhales a long breath and says, simply, “Am I still beautiful, Yuki? Or do you think I look like a corpse? Because it won’t be much longer, you know… before I’m dead. For good. And, well… you wanted to get divorced. Why?”

 

Yuki smiled at him. “This isn’t the most appropriate topic, my darling.. we can discuss this after this, maybe.”

 

It seemed almost perfect that the door opened, revealing the doctor looking down rather nervously at her clipboard. Her skin looked beautiful compared to Akivya’s, everything else about her seemed perfect compared to him though. He missed when he looked like this - when Akivya was so young looking, healthy and beautiful. Now he looked like he was going to be crushed by anyone who wanted to even press down on him.

 

“Doctor,” he took his hand off of Akivya, pulling his beanie back down to his head. “Is there something wrong? Is something wrong with my- our baby?”

 

He felt nervous; that was the first thing that hit him the second Yuki’s hand slipped away from his head, pulling his red beanie back down over his head, the hem just brushing against his eyebrows. The first thoughts were more obvious, selfish- _does she think I’m repulsive? Disgusting? Hideous?_ The way her eyes refused to meet his, looking only at her clipboard made him even more ashamed of the dark patches under his eyes, how fucking skinny he was… and his biology, more than anything. Because _she thinks I’m a freak of nature_ and the thought was so tormenting that he barely wanted to speak to her.

 

Still, the interruption gave Akivya and excuse to pull away from Yuki, lying on his side and pulling the blanket over his waist as he looked at her just enough to take in how _pretty_ she was- obviously why Yuki had been staring earlier. A deep sigh leaves his throat, before he asks, hesitantly, “How are they? The baby… I… I’ve been so worried about this entire… fuck, I mean- was it the treatment before… before I found out? Are they okay?”

 

“Well, the child isn’t in any danger,” the woman says, finally, giving him a once over. “It’s simply a mutation, from what we can tell- nothing harmful or troubling, considering the parentage. Put in general terms- the baby has congenital adrenal hyperplasia, or is shaping up to. Not very different from its mother- so is it troubling, a bit. Dangerous, not at all. Although the signs of treatment while you were in remission a couple months back has led us to worry at least somewhat over the condition of the baby from a more mental standpoint. As you’re aware, cancer treatments can be… rough on a pregnancy, with risk for possible palsy or down syndrome as a result of medication given with the baby in the womb. Simply put… we haven’t found anything troubling _yet._ But given your condition… there’s a possibility for something to crop up in the next couple of months.”

 

“ _Something_?” Yuki returned his hands to Akivya’s wrists, gripping it much harder than he did before. “What.. what would be wrong with it? What are the possibilities of it being born with pal.. those things- the chances?”

 

Yuki wasn’t sure what to think about hearing any of this, almost not believing her at all with this. It was his child.. and he was perfectly healthy, so was Akivya- minding the cancer. How could it get.. a mental problem? That just didn’t make sense! He always envisioned his offspring being intelligent and perfect in every way. And now he’s being that there’s a chance that his baby could be retarded or something. It wasn’t fair - his parents weren’t, they shouldn’t be either.

 

There had to be something that they could prevent this from happening. Stop taking medication that could bring the risks. Akivya would do this for the baby- their child. He wouldn’t let his baby be born with something like this.. not something they could’ve prevented and stopped before it messed them up.

 

“Could we do something to stop it from happening, doctor?” He felt Akivya’s stare, eyes wide and an odd combination of worry and fear battling it out in his eyes. “Would it help the chances if he stopped taking the medication? Is there some kind of test or trial that we could take to eliminate t-the.. genes? Or whatever it is?”

 

Akivya couldn’t help staring, practically overwhelmed by fear, at his husband- he wasn’t sure if it was because of what the nurse had just told them, or the fact that Yuki was getting so worked up over it, because _he could make it work._ No matter what happened to the child- they were his and they’d be loved, no matter what condition they were in.

 

“After the first trimester, therapy doesn’t harm the fetus, right?” He finally asks, offering a tiny smile when the nurse nods.

 

“At this point, there’s nothing that can really be done- the first trimester is the only time when the treatment is vital in influencing the child’s wellbeing. Seeing as we’ve taken care of everything that could be taken care of for the past two months, stopping the medical treatment wouldn’t be wise. Unless you want your wife’s cancer to get worse… in which case, that might put the baby in more danger than a postnatal problem would.”

 

Akivya sighs, feeling Yuki’s grip clenching around his wrist, trying to pull away as best he could, but to absolutely no avail. He bit down on his lip, looking back over to her. “I understand,” he says, finally, with a sigh. Because _I should’ve known this was going to happen. Why me, when I’m so close to dead, so sick, so unwell, unable to take care of- my body can’t even handle…_

 

“Yuki… s-sweetheart? Bunbun? Can you… stop grabbing me? Hurts-” he finally manages to breathe out when the nurse is out of earshot, giving as much of a glance up to his husband’s face as he can muster, yet entirely unable to meet the older man’s eyes. “‘m sorry about our… our baby, Yu-Yu… p-please?”

 

He doesn’t realize how tight his grip on him actually is until he looks down and notices how white his knuckles have turned, almost the same colour as Akivya’s, if not lighter. Letting go, he leans down enough to kiss him on the nose and returned sitting down on the edge of his chair next to the bed. “I’m sorry if I made you upset, darling. You haven’t done anything wrong.. nothing you could’ve prevented anyway.”

 

A smile appears on his face, though they know that it’s fake and forced. “Our baby is going to look beautiful no matter what it has.. they’re going to be as beautiful as you, and as intelligent as me. I can see it now.. you holding our beautiful baby,” he patted his stomach, kissing the small bulge.

 

He tries not to move when he feels Yuki’s hand against his stomach, rubbing against the rather unpleasant feeling skin as Akivya takes a deep breath, shivering. He could still hear the almost pitying inflection in the older man's tone, even as he leans forward to press a kiss against his stomach. It's enough to cause tears to spring to Akivya's eyes, trying to pull himself into a ball, away from everything else he could think of.

 

“M-my baby,” he finally chokes out, swallowing as he looks up at Yuki. It's almost terrifying to think about… a baby, his baby, that he was going to be a mother. “Do you think they'll look like me, Yuki? A-are they gonna recognize me? Will they call me mommy? Fuck, am I even g-gonna be _alive_ for them to? My tiny bunbun…”

 

Yuki pulls him against his chest once again, giving a small annoyed sigh at the boy’s sudden display of emotion. “You’ll be fine, darling. The baby will love you - it’s a baby, it’s the only emotion it really knows. Don’t let yourself think such negative emotions either, Akivya. It’s not good for either of you. Please calm down.”

 

He’s kissing the top of his forehead again, though he realizes how inane doing this is against the crying boy. It’s the only thing he can do to calm him- all his words are useless, his sobs becoming too loud for him to even think anymore. It was getting old, all his crying. He despised when the man cried- such a weak and annoying emotion, it did nothing to solve problems or anything else. “You’re fine, Akivya.. please stop crying.”

 

For a few moment, he considers leaving and letting the boy figure out how he’s feeling, but when he can feel Akivya pulling against him, his head nuzzling against his shoulder and tears completely soaking his clean shirt, he completely doubts that Akivya would be letting him leave any time soon. Sighing once again, he rubbed the back of the boy’s shoulders and tried to whisper some comforting words in his ear, “The baby is going to love you, my Aki. When the baby comes, all your doubts are just gonna disappear and you’re going to be an amazing mother.”

 

He can tell how _tense_ Yuki is, his hand almost pressing down harsher with every circle he rubbed against his back. Akivya's tears don't stop, still trailing over his cheeks like streams as he bites his tongue to hold back another wail. He feels so weak, so desperate, thinking of his baby.

 

 _My baby's not gonna make it,_ is the only thing that keeps running through his mind, like a chant that makes his throat grow numb and the bitter, acidic taste of bile in his mouth. It only makes him feel sicker, more disgusting,  realizing how… how fucking _awful_ life is. Because he didn't want a baby and now he was going to be abandoning one.

 

“I'm not ready to be a mother, Yuki…” he says, finally, sucking in a breath that comes out as a shallow cry.

 

* * *

 

 

Keon felt rude about standing outside his door, fully knowing that Akivya was inside with his assholic husband. They need privacy, like what Akivya said, and doing this.. it just felt creepy looking through the small window. In his mind, he just wanted to make sure that Yuki wasn’t hurting his Akivya- that’s what he told himself, he was doing this to protect Akivya. That wasn’t bad.. he didn’t think so at least.

 

Still, he tried not to let his presence not be known to either of them as he watched the two of them curled around each other, his poor Akivya crying into his shirt with such sadness that made him want to just walk in and demand to know what Yuki said to him. He gritted his teeth, swallowing back his anger and just watched the two of them. It made him feel.. desperate. Though their hugging sections were short and brief due them both not at all being comfortable with touches, he craved being able to touch the boy once Yuki left, place light kisses on each other’s lips, and tell each other promises he’s not even sure he’ll ever be able to keep with Yuki in the picture and Aki too loyal and devoted to leave him.

 

He’s not sure why, but he’s grabbing the door handle, turning it, and letting out a light, “A-aki?”

 

He couldn't keep his breathing steady when he could hear Keon's voice echoing in his ear, just out of reach and yet so close he wanted to shiver. Akivya glanced up at Yuki briefly, bringing a pink clad hand up to brush tears from his thin, dark cheeks, a tiny sigh leaving his mouth as he said, cautiously, “Yuki… can I have a moment?”

 

The look in his husband's eyes is great enough that it makes him want to shake, an intense glare that only leads Akivya to push a hand against his chest, weakly, trying to keep the older man at a distance. Sucking in a deep breath, he gives an offhand glance to the door, wanting to call out to his Ke-Ke and at the same time, too terrified to do so.

 

Akivya pulls his arms closer to his body, the thin red cardigan pulled tight across his chest as he looks at Yuki questioningly, waiting, his lower lip trembling in anticipation. When the older man finally stands, it's all he can do not to heave a sigh of relief, glancing back over to the doorway, before calling out “Keon?” in a feathery voice.

 

“Are you okay?” Keon finally manages to ask him, staring at the the shorter man as he leaves the room. It’s a piercing glare that honestly made Keon want to flinch, but he forced himself to to stay put and stare back at him with the same level of hatred that he’s receiving. “Did he hurt you?”

 

Keon steps closer to him once Yuki is completely out of his sight, wrapping his arms around him, though trying to restrain himself. He could Akivya sinking into his skin, grabbing onto his shoulders and pressing his nose to his neck. Alarmed when he hears him slightly shaking with tears, he cups his face and stares down at him. “Hey, hey.. what happened? Talk to me, Ak. If he did something.. I-I’ll..”

 

All Akivya can do is curl fingers into the fabric of Keon’s shirt and press his face into the crook of the younger man’s neck, hands clenching and unclenching as he shakes. He can feel the shudder run up his back again, an abrupt pain in his head that feels like it’s not going to leave whenever he so much as thinks about it all… dying. Children. Dying children.

 

“He didn’t do anything,” Akivya chokes out under his breath, barely able to support himself, even when he’s propped against Keon’s side. His mind keeps going back to the baby- his baby, his baby who’s going to be _completely traumatized, weak, alone, scared…_ He doesn’t want to think about it.

 

And he doesn’t want to think about dying, either.

 

“M-my baby,” he finally manages to choke out, “Keon, my baby… it’s not… I c-can’t _do this_ to them… and Yuki… he’s going to take it from me. You can’t let him have them… you can’t… I can’t die knowing that my baby’s not… not gonna have a mommy. It’s so cold… I just want them to be warm and safe and happy. I want them to smile every day. They’re going to be the most beautiful baby, but… _but I’m not gonna be there.”_

 

“Aki,” he presses his hand against his jaw and pushes up at he can see the tears leaking down his face, lips quivering. “None of that’ true. You’re going to be here, and you’re gonna be a great mother to them. Please- don’t listen to yourself at all, Ak.”

 

He’s holding him closer than he did before, rocking him back and forth as he tries to hush his fears. Keon isn’t sure what to do, nearly shaking himself when he sees the look on his ‘lover’s’ face, all he can do is keep telling him the same thing that he’s already said before. “Your baby is going to see you- the first thing it sees- and you two are going to look amazing. You’re going to be the best mother ever.. Yu-Yuki won’t ever be allowed to take him- I..I won’t let him. Aki, look at me.”

 

Pressing his forehead against the smaller boy’s, he used the sides of his thumb to wipe away the remaining tear bit of tears falling down his cheeks. “Nothing will happen to you.. you’re going to raise the baby and you’re never going to leave either of us,” he tries to smile at him, but it’s clear to him that he couldn’t even force himself to. Instead, he leans his lips closer to Akivya’s and tries to remind him that he’s safe with him.

 

He could feel his breathing growing thinner, eyes meeting Keon’s almost in shock, searching them for any trace or hint of… of something other than compassion. Other than love. Something like he’d been used to seeing in Yuki’s. Akivya can’t help letting loose a relieved sigh when he detects nothing other than what there appears to be, instead wrapping his arms around Keon’s neck and pulling him closer to him.

 

“That was the first time you kissed me, Ke-Ke…” he breathes out softly, giving the other man a soft smile as his fingers wrap around the back of Keon’s neck and he buries his face further into the younger’s neck, feeling soft blond locks brushing against his own bald head gently. It feels… weird, but in a nice way, he thinks. He doesn’t know why it seems so much… lighter than it did a few minutes before, but it’s enough that he can smile again, and press his lips back against Keon’s until he can hear the other’s tiny exhale of breath. It’s… cute. Adorable, really.

 

And Akivya doesn’t regret it when he says, under his breath, “I want you to be their father, Keon… cause the baby’s gotta be loved no matter what. And you’re ridiculously wonderful and I adore you. Plus, who else is gonna be able to sew them cute clothes after I’m gone?”

 

As soon as Keon can open his mouth, the door opens with a loud bang, Yuki revealing himself- already screaming at them both, his cane smacking against the floor. “Akivya- you fucking whore-”

 

“I… In a fucking hospital?” Yuki doesn’t move where he is, shouting even louder. “You have the nerve to play a dying cancer patient, cared for only by a devoted husband, only to start fucking around with some mental patient?”

 

Keon moves in front of Akivya, already noticing the silent apologies and ‘it’s.. it’s not like that, Yuki!’ mutters falling from his mouth. His hands stayed firmly in his, unable to let them leave. “D-don’t scream at him like that- y..you two are d..” he swallows, licking his lip. “D-divorcing anyway.”

 

He could feel the tension building in his body, his hands trembling as he tried to wrench them away from Keon’s, looking up at him almost achingly as he tries to get him to calm down. “Ke… Ke-Ke, don’t- it’s not-” he could hear Yuki, still screaming in the background, barely managing to even look at him when he finally gasps out, “ _You told me you wanted to end things._ And then the- fucking baby came along and now you’re just- I don’t… I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but _leave him out of this.”_

 

Yuki manages to step forward until he’s a inch away from Akivya- have literally pushed past Keon- and grabbed at him, pulling him closer to him, his voice completely of raw emotions and a hint of desperation. “Is.. is the fucking baby even mine, Akivya? Or have you been fucking him behind my back? Did you only call me because you wanted to save face, you filthy whore?”

 

Keon’s hands are quick to grab at the back of the older Asian man, though do nothing as he looks at Akivya’s face that just screams ‘ _stop, Ke-Ke.. you’re gonna make it worse.’_ Still, it doesn’t stop him from screaming back, “Get your hands off of him! Don’t you ever accuse him of such things- unlike you, you fucking abusive asshole, he’d never do anything to intentionally hurt someone.”

 

The hard, rather dirty butt of the cane is the only reply he receives, knocking him to the ground with a hard slap. Keon doesn’t restrict himself from muttering out curses, touching his nose to see blood pouring from his nose and it stinging enough to tell him that it is definitely broken. “Fuck,” he blinks back tears, forcing himself to get back to his knees as he tries to stare back at the violent, almost pitch black eyes of the man. “Do.. do you hit _him_  whenever he tries to stand up for himself, is that why he stays with you?”

 

The way Keon’s talking only seems to aggravate Yuki more, an expression of pure animosity growing to new extremes on his face. For a few moments, all Akivya can do is freeze, entirely too scared to move, too terrified to do anything because _he could fucking kill me- could kill Keon-_ but then the reflex kicks in. Because it’s _Keon,_ and fuck if Yuki was going to touch him again, not when he was already so broken in other ways, and _he can’t touch my fucking baby, no-_

 

With more strength than he thought he had in him, the weak man’s fingers find Yuki’s wrist, gripping it as he forces himself to sit up, pulls himself to his feet so he can try and wrap arms around Yuki’s waist and pull him back, murmuring apologies against the older man, practically _pleading,_ “ _don’t hurt him, don’t hurt him, please, this is between us, I’m sorry for being such a fucking whore, Yuki, you know I only love you-”_ in an effort to shut him up, make him just _stop_ because he didn’t want Keon to get hurt.

 

Keon could only stare up at Akivya, his lower lip quivering as he tried to wipe the blood from staining the entire half of his face. He knew what he was doing.. but it still hurt to hear him say it. Yuki’s expression seemed to soften just the slightest bit as he restrained himself from pushing back- even if he looked so pained to do so. The look of restraint is gone as soon as it came, with him slapping Akivya with the back of his hand and hissing back curses of how ‘filthy and disgusting Akivya was,’ how ‘he’d open his legs to anyone with a cock if they just looked at him,’ and that ‘he shouldn’t be so surprised that his husband was cheating on him.. because he was so fucking useless and disgusting, that the only one who actually wanted him when he looked like this couldn’t ever be a true man, but a psycho, a mental patient.’

 

The older man is pulling him back up to face him, almost shaking at anger- fuck, how did this old crippled man even get this much strength, it wasn’t possible. “Don’t touch him-” Keon snarls the best he can, but hisses in pain once he does. “Y-you wouldn’t hit him now.. it-it could hurt his- our baby.”

 

The words stung, enough that if Akivya had any hair left, he imagined he would rip it out- his eyes fell on Keon from where Yuki was holding him, pulling him up by the collar of his shirt, enough that it seemed like he was a _ctually going to murder him_ and there was absolutely nothing stopping him from doing it. He tried to push himself up again, but his back was stinging from where it had hit the rail of the hospital bed, enough that he couldn’t find any more strength to try and stop it, other than intense crying, practically every word leaving his lips a whine. _Leavehimalone, leavehimalone-_ it was all he could think, without even the strength to say it aloud anymore, his lips pressed together tightly, teeth biting at the inside of his cheek.

 

“K-Keon-” he coughed out. “Please… just stop. Stop. D-don’t, sugarplum, please- you know you’re my bunbun, please, just don’t…” in a moment of desperation, looking around frantically for something- anything- to force Yuki away…

 

And then, without another thought, he pulled on the string that would call the nurse’s station.

 

It’s so quick before a nurse is screaming at the doorway, demanding him out of the room, and two large men coming from behind her, hooking their arms around Yuki, forcing him to drop the man harshly on the floor.

 

“F-fuck,” Yuki tries to force them off of him, but fails quickly as they manage to drag him. “Akivya- you fucking whore- this is all your fault, you and your god damn little boyfriend. You're never going to see the baby- fuck, he’s-”

 

The door slams behind him as two more nurses fill the door, two of them attempting to help Keon onto his feet. He shoves them away, barely managing to hold himself up, screaming for them to help Akivya instead of him. “I-I’m fine..just.. just l-look at him- he’s.. did he- he hurt him-”

 

It’s a rather sudden cry that leaves his mouth, sharp, the second his eyes settle on Keon’s face- his nose practically bent out of place, blood dripping over his chin, barely able to stand. It takes a few brief seconds before Akivya’s crying out his name, pushing past the nurses until he can grab Keon’s hands, trying not to lose his footing from how weak he feels and the sudden pounding in his skull, the way his stomach’s clenching in tight knots as he looks him over.

 

“K-Keon…” he breathes out, barely able to hold back the sob that leaves his parched throat. “You’re in so much pain, Ke-Ke… I- I’m fine, okay? Look at me, honeybun… see? I’m okay, I just- you’re hurt. I’m so sorry- I didn’t want him to. You have to know I didn’t want this… why did you try and yell at him…? He just- fuck, Keon, he’s my husband. He can say whatever he wants to me… I just didn’t want him to hurt you. You’re my precious bunbun. You gotta… you gotta be okay, please. For me and for our baby, Keon… please, fuck, don’t- don’t do anything… just let them take care of you.”

 

Keon opens his mouth, letting a silent ‘okay’. He tries to nod, but it turns into him kissing his lips and turning around for the nurses to inspect his face, trying to get him to sit down on the bed instead of standing.

 

He’s never felt so utterly.. _pathetic.. useless.. weak.. a victim._ He was so easily manhandled by a crippled elderly man- thrown around, slapped with his motherfucking cane, and just watched as he attacked his lover. And he did nothing to protect him properly. Akivya was slapped, grabbed at, and fucking screamed at.. while he was sitting on the ground just an inch away. And yet, Akivya still told him how much he loved him, how he wanted the nurses to look at him instead of him. His Akivya..

 

“S-sir…?” the nurse keeps saying his name, trying to shake him to respond, but he doesn’t respond at all. His eyes stare firmly at Akivya- staring at him while the nurses are trying to console him, putting him back on the bed. “Can you hear me?”

 

* * *

 

It was awkward- the air between them entirely too silent for several moments. Akivya pulled the light pink scarf further around his head, turning the side of his face with the black eye away from Yuki. He twiddles his fingers, his hands shaking uncontrollably as he finally manages to meet his husband's gaze. Almost instantly, he turns back to face the ground, pressing his hands against his stomach as he notices Yuki starting to stare at it.

 

“I wanna make it quick,” he says softly. “Tie up all the loose ends. Because you are _not_ getting my baby. They're gonna be my tiny bunbun- _my_ Angel. So don't even think about bringing it up.”

 

“You’re a fucking cancer patient, Akivya,” the older man hisses, slapping his palms against the table. “You’ll be dead before the baby comes out- if not as soon as it comes out. I’m his _father-_ at least I think: how many men were you fucking before you found out Akivya? Should I be requesting a paternity test? Need I bring in your boyfriend- does he think it’s his? That you two are just going to raise an infant all by yourself in fucking hospital?”

 

He laughs, running a hand through the remaining bit of his hair. “You’re so lucky I didn’t kill him- and you. Neither of you deserved my restraint.” It takes him a moment to continue. “If I see him around you again, looking like he’s wanting to fuck you where you stand, I’ll never let you have custody of them- ever. I’ll leave the country and let you die alone here; they’ll never meet you or hear of you again. Do I make myself clear?”

 

Akivya couldn’t help himself from cringing, pulling backwards in an attempt to shield himself from Yuki at the harsh words, his nails digging into the palms of his hands as he looks at the door to the room, wondering just how hard it would be for him to leave- just run away and never come back. He wouldn’t survive very long- not like this. But if he was going to die, Yuki wasn’t getting the baby- hell, maybe nobody was. Maybe he should just abort the thing now- a few months in, painful, heartbreaking, but…

 

It dawned on him, then, giving the other a light smile that he hopes looks anything but pleased- he hopes it resembles the way Yuki looks at him, smug, undaunted, taunting… _vile._ He leans back in the bed, finally bringing his eyes up to meet Yuki’s. “Well, Yu-Yu, I’m a whore… I’ve been so… so _desperate_ for a man, just like you said yesterday… I mean… I don’t think you _are_ the father. And even if you are, a baby needs its mother more than its father… besides, they probably wouldn’t want to know that daddy’s an abusive douchebag, now would they?”

 

He wasn’t sure if it was on instinct or what, but by the time the words fully piece themselves together in his head, he finds himself crouched over the bed, his hand tightly around his neck and another hand pinning both his arms over his head. It’s almost terrifying how calm he finds inside is- like he’s actually being restrained- but he loves the fact he can be so calm in a situation like this. “I’ve never abused you- not when you didn’t deserve it. I knew for so long - fuck, Siri even told me to get a test done - that you were fucking someone else.. who else, Akivya? Was it that mental patient, the one who could barely defend himself? That cute little doctor- I know you look at her the way I do, did you ask her to give you a prostate exam? Or did you just let anyone who wanted a go at you fuck you? It’s so in character for you to have.”

 

The look on his face when he’s sliding his hand underneath the covers, feeling for his cock, is almost intoxicating- the whore will never truly understand how much he owns him, how there will never be a day that he wouldn’t be feeding off the kindness of Yuki. He could’ve left him so many times- and he should’ve- he had so many beautiful takers, filled with selfless desires and hearts of gold. He’s so lucky to have him and.. and he just decides to throw him away like fucking trash.

 

“You disgust me, Akivya,” he leans in. “A filthy little whore who doesn’t know where his loyalties lay, nor have the respect for your betters. I regret not killing you- you have no real purpose in this world other than to whore yourself out. The baby is better off with me- or dead. There’s no in between.”

 

He wants to just cry, scream, pound his hands against Yuki’s chest until he can’t keep himself conscious, wants to scream and curse and just fucking _cry,_ cry so much he can hardly think straight. The words make his insides twist- feeling almost vulgar and shameful, like what his husband’s saying is the truth, even when he knows better. The way Yuki’s hand slides underneath the covers, pressing against the area below his waist, only further makes him want to scream, his entire being repulsed- by his own actions or the older man’s, he isn’t sure.

 

All he knows is that Yuki doesn’t deserve that baby. He doesn’t deserve to be a father, to hold a child in his arms when that child will never learn to have empathy for anyone that they aren’t in bed with. He doesn’t fucking _deserve_ to raise something so beautiful- the only one who deserves that is Keon. Hell, even Akivya doesn’t deserve it- because Yuki’s right, he’s been as filthy as he claims… but only for him. Only for his fucking _husband,_ and for _years._ Which is why he only barely hesitates when he finally hisses out, “Then fucking kill them- because we’re _both_ better off dying than having to live with you.”

 

“We both know I wouldn’t hesitate to do so,” he hisses back, forcing the man’s legs open just a bit more until he can feel the boy trying to force them close. “What? You’ll open your legs for trash- but not your own husband?” He smiles, too sadistic and cold for it to ever actually manage or pretend to be able to reach his eyes. “Are you trying to pretend to save yourself for your boyfriend now- tell yourself that he’s the only man you’ll ever really love, so you close your legs and tell him you’ve been pure. But what happens when he’s bored of you, or you’re so horny that you bang someone eleven years younger than you next time?”

 

He repositions himself until he’s able to wrap his leg against his, and continues. “Or did sweet little Keon tell you why he’s there finally? Did you want to forever abstain from all sex now? Does he have you act out the little scene? Does it turn you on when he tells you about how his then fiance fucked him so hard that he had to go to the hospital to have glass removed from his prostate?”

 

His lips meet his, forcing him to suck face with him for just a moment before he breaks it and stares back against him, almost growling out, “You always did like the kinky stuff.”

 

He doesn’t know if the shock is as apparent on his face as he thinks it is- trying to keep his mouth closed, pushing his legs against Yuki’s as an attempt to get the older man off of him, swallowing back a curse as he continues to spread out Keon’s backstory because _I don’t want to know, don’t need to, he’s mine, he loves me, he’s perfect-_

 

But when the truth settles in, and he finds his eyes widening, before shutting abruptly, attempting not to look at Yuki because he didn’t want him to say anything else, didn’t want to abuse the thoughts of Keon when he’s the most beautiful fucking human being he’s ever met… all Akivya does is lick his lips before he finally says, “I don’t care why Ke-Ke’s in here. I don’t care what’s happened to him or what he does to me- he’s _beautiful._ I love him. He’s my bunbun. And I want to spend whatever time I have left with him- and _our_ baby. So, seriously, sugarballs, why don’t you shut your lips and _get out.”_

 

‘So perfect, so beautiful’- give it a rest, Akivya. How often does he fuck you- does he even fuck you at all? I read the reports, seemed he tried to chop something off.. do you only want him because he ‘protects’ you, fills you up with all these broken promises of raising the baby? Does he tell you he loves you back? Fills your little need for attention. It’s so obvious,” he hand goes to unzip his own pants, pushing his entire weight down onto him. “You’re both just little whores looking for your next fix.”

 

Before Akivya can say another word, his hand is placed over his mouth and he’s being turned over, Yuki stroking the two of them together and whispering threats in his skin like a tattoo. “Neither of you deserve anyone else- the baby’s going to be crushed when it finds out that his mommy is so weak and useless and his daddy is a little bitch that tried to off themselves because they couldn't handle a little rough sex. Siri and I are going to take such great care of him- my darling little boy, he might have the same fucked up genes as you, but like me, he won’t be as nearly as fucked up as you.”

 

He’s not struggling- Akivya doesn’t know why he isn’t struggling, letting Yuki push him down against the mattress, his length pressing up against the back of his thighs enough that he lets out an involuntary moan, having to hold it back as best he can because it’s so fucking sick, being underneath him again like this, being forced to… to think of the past like some sort of great thing when he doesn’t even want any of it.

 

And then, before Akivya knows what else he should think, before he even processes another thought, he’s sinking teeth into Yuki’s hand, enough that he can feel blood leaking over his lips, across his tongue, can feel the other curse as Akivya struggles to grab hold of the rail on the bed, unhook it and pull himself out, snapping a loud curse back that turns into little more than a whine at the commentary.

 

“A-At least I’m not… _sick_ the same way you are. Yuki, please- please, don’t- just let me go. Just let Keon go… w-we don’t… I don’t need you… _fuck.”_ And he doesn’t know why he finally lets the words leave his lips, looking up at Yuki, trembling, as he curses, “It’s not even yours- they’re Siri’s… Siri’s the father… tell- tell him to come back if you want them so fucking bad. Just leave me alone-”

 

He doesn’t know what to say before he’s standing up, holding his hand in his chest protectively from the other, staring at him with such.. _hate.. disdain.. animosity.._ that he can see the other boy struggle not to flinch. Siri..? He wasn’t even his lover, Siri was his.. he shouldn't be surprised that the man had decided to take his lover and ended up getting pregnant because of this. No - there were too many surprises he had to learn these last few months that nothing seemed new to him anymore.

 

“Siri- that’s nice,” he smiles at him, so tight and controlled. “We’re already together, darling Akivya, the baby is mine still. Siri’s so young though, he’s what.. thirty one? I don’t think he even likes children. I’m sure he’d be so glad to give it to it’s rightful daddy- I wouldn’t even have to tell him.”

 

It’s the tone in his voice that would scare even him if he heard it at night, how dark and creepy it sounded. But yet, he made it sound so innocent and professional. “What do you like for a little boy’s name, Akivya? Maybe we should go for the classic route.. John, Thomas, Jeffery.. or go more modern? Phoenix, Carmine, Joffery? Maybe Siri would name it after me- or are you going to try and name it after your darling boyfriend? Ke-Ke Jr.? So cute. Or what for a darling baby girl? Do you think she’d take after her mommy in a name- name her Aki or Soo? What do you think?”

 

He isn’t sure what it was that finally got to him- but the second Yuki starts going on about baby names, about how he’s going to get it no matter what, about how he’s going to them them away and raise them and- and _shut him out…_ he screams. It’s a loud wail at first, that quickly grows more and more shrill until it’s a full blown shriek, almost like a banshee, as Akivya pulls his legs to his chest and presses his back against the wall and shuts his eyes, trying to imagine that- that none of this was happening, that it was a bad dream-

 

And then he hears the door open, and footsteps come rushing in, and he’s still shouting, screaming god-knows-what at his _former_ husband, refusing to look even as Yuki continues speaking, only further pulling himself away and making awful, horrible wails that echo around the room like a bad memory as he hears Yuki try and explain himself, shove everything off, and then there are footsteps going away, and all Akivya can say is, “ _I want those fucking divorce papers,”_ more calmly than he’s said anything in his life.

 

* * *

 

 

Keon arrived in his his room just a little after they left, making sure that he wasn’t hurt and asking if they wanted him banned from ever stepping foot in his room again. He found him crying, his entire body still shaking in a tight ball before latching onto him like it was the only thing that could hold him together. Keon didn’t hesitate wrapping him in his arms, pressing kisses into the crook of his neck and telling him that he was safe.. Yuki wouldn’t ever be allowed back in his room unless he was dying- he was safe here with him- forever. The baby was safe, protected by both their mommy and daddy.

 

“I love you,” he says after the boy’s sobs finally seem to stop completely, caressing his cheeks until he was clean from all tears. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.. I’ll never let it happen again, okay? You and the baby, you two are the most important thing to me now. Nothing else matters. If someone, or something, ever tries to harm you both, I’ll stop it.”

 

Akivya can hardly make a sound, simply leaning forward and burying his face in Keon’s chest, his hands sliding around to the younger man’s back, fisting in the fabric of his jacket as he pulls him closer. He doesn’t know when it is that he finally moves, pulls Keon so that he’s lying down in bed next to him, Akivya feeling entirely too bare, disheveled, not even wearing his own clothes save the pink scarf around his head.

 

He presses a kiss to the side of his Ke-Ke’s face and wraps arms around him and just lays there, silently, for what seems like hours, though he knows it’s a few minutes at most. It’s calming- listening to Keon’s breathing, Akivya pressing his head against the taller man’s chest, hearing it heave up and down, the breath steady, soft. He doesn’t know why, when words finally slip out, all he manages to say is, “It’s so much slower than mine.” There’s no hesitation, the fact stated so simply and so abruptly that Akivya isn’t even sure he said it, but he’s never been with someone like this before and it’s something entirely too wonderful in its own way.

 

It’s different, because humanity seems to be fading from his life all too quickly and everything he thought he’d known before- and had- is disappearing and all that’s left behind is him, lying there, heart pounding rapidly against his ribcage, waiting to die. It’s enough that he can be here, now, so still and so quiet, barely thinking, not moving, his speaking all but silenced with the solitude of this moment. But it’s something he wants to preserve in memory.

 

It’s like falling in love all over again, and Akivya’s entirely too aware of that. He clings to Keon, hardly moving and breathing, his hands the only warm part of his body, feeling so impossibly small and frail and _weak_ against Keon’s body, but it only makes him need him more. And maybe there was a part of Yuki’s speech that had been right- Akivya likes being protected. But he wants to protect Keon too, like he should, like they’d both protect the baby. He’d kill for his baby. And so, when he finally says something again, it’s a soft, almost inaudible, “You’re my cuddlekins. I want you to be my bunbun forever, Keon. You’d make such a- a good husband,” he tries to muffle the yawn that leaves his throat, tiny but still loud enough to signal his exhaustion. “Love you.”

 

Keon snuggles his head against his, placing a soft kiss against the bridge of his nose and smiles lightly against his skin. “Love you too,” he doesn’t close his eye, listening to the sound of his breathing dying down until it only comes out as light snores. For the first time since he was sedated, and they cuddled together, he felt completely at ease once more. It felt strange.. actually sleeping against someone that wasn’t covered in sweat and smelled of sex, or against someone he’d never see again after he left. It was sweet, kissing and nuzzling, gentle unlike anything else that he’s ever felt. If they could spend eternity here together, never having to get up, he doesn’t think he’d mind.

 

When he looks down some time later, when Akivya is turned on his side, hugging his clothes and snoring louder, he only smiles and kisses him again. His touch doesn’t burn or bite at his skin anymore, which only makes him smile, and want to wake him up to tell him more about how he loves him, how he’s never this way before, wants him to be his, wants to marry him maybe.. but decides to let him rest because he looks so peaceful and he can almost see the smallest of smiles playing on his lips.

 

Maybe one day.. down the road, he’ll feel comfortable telling him what he went through, why he’s really here.. he tells himself that he should know the truth, even if he feels embarrassed about it and worries that he’ll leave him for being so weak, he knows he has to if he wants to feel stronger connected to him. Perhaps even they’ll have sex, touch each other naked… something like that, something intimate, though he worries that Akivya will turn him down, thinking that he’s only doing it to please him.

 

It’s an odd combo of both - wanting to please him, and himself. Selfless and selfish, he thinks. But.. he still wants to. He wants so badly to feel the boy melt into his skin, to mark his neck, and moan into his skin like a wild animal. It makes him feel just the smallest bit embarrassed because he feels like Akivya would look at him naked, notice the scars that trace and tarnish his once perfect lower region and hesitate on touching him because he looks like a freak. He refuses to believe he would though.. because he loves him, he thinks. He knows he does - he knows, he tells him.

 

So when he’s hugging his body as close as he possibly can, his lips never straying from Akivya’s, and whispers of love and thank you, he only shuts his eyes and lets the world drift away from him as he dreams of Akivya, and him, and the baby.. together. Away from the world, from Yuki and the bullshit.

* * *

 

 

Julian’s always been a romantic. He likes the thought- the thought of love at first sight, of long talks under blankets at night and kisses in the moonlight. He likes the thought of marriage,  being with someone forever… and even though he's grown to feel that love doesn't exist, it doesn't keep him from recognizing the look on Keon's face as he rolls over on his side, fingering the blue scarf on the bedside table.

 

It almost makes him envious- thinking of Carmine and his devotion and how the older man shoves him aside and doesn't even bother visiting him. He wonders if he's made a mistake, if it's a lost cause, but _no, Carmine loves me, I'd die for him, he knows, wants me, I'd do anything-_

 

It's not true; a part of Julian knows, is so certain… he doesn't want to admit it. He doesn't want to admit that everything he's ever believed in is bullshit… love. What is love? And yet, when he looks at Keon… he knows. He sighs and blinks and focuses on him and says, “How does it feel? Should I expect a wedding invitation soon?”

 

“Pst,” Keon tries to hide the small blush on his cheeks, giving Julian a wink as he turns back over away from him. “I doubt it.. need a date for that. Don’t think Carmine would be up for it, huh Julian?”

 

He’s not sure how much of that makes sense, but he still smiles and runs a hand through his thick mane. Everything feels too nice.. something he’s not at all used to, but he loves the feeling of it too much to bother letting anyone know how he feels. He wonders if Akivya feels the same way as him.. happy, relaxed, _perfect_.

 

“Julian?” After several long moments, he turns back over to the man, the scarf still in his hands. “Has he even visited you yet..?”

 

It’s rude of him to ask, he knows this so much, but he feels bad and couldn’t help but ask him. The look on his face is hurt and shocked, like he had asked him if Carmine even really cared about him. He wondered if that’s what his words actually meant.. he didn’t want to believe that his friend had been here for the entirety of his time alone, here because his crush-boss-whatever had led him on and left him here.. It hurt thinking about that- Julian deserved someone who really cared about him, not someone that obviously didn’t give a single shit about him.

 

“He hasn’t, has he?”

 

He has to swallow the lump in his throat, the itching need that tries to burst from his chest, screaming at him to protect _his_ Carmine, defend him, make an excuse like _he's pretty busy- CEO and all_ or _well, he's just in kinda bad health, can't get out much_ or _anything._ But it's true, honestly- the man hasn't visited a single goddamn time and it's impossible for him to try and convince himself otherwise.

 

“Y-you know what sucks, Keon? Realizing that e-everything you've believed in for your whole life is a lie. R-really, really sucks.” He can't say anything else, can't keep defending his boss, trying to make Carmine seem like this untouchable, perfect _god_ that he's spent six years pining after with absolutely no qualms that Carmine didn't love him back.

 

Julian can't hide the tears that keep threatening to spill from his eyes because _yes he's fucking sensitive_ and _I don't want to talk about it- him- whatever._ He's trying not to choke on air, but he can't get a breath, can't _breathe_ and all he can do is try and turn away from Keon, _but he can't even move_ and he's acting like a teenage girl who just got dumped by her first boyfriend. It makes everything ten times worth, trying to force more words out, something like _he loves me_ even though it's not true.

 

“He doesn't care,” is what Julian finally spits out, lying back against the sheets, stiff and unmoving as he says, “I just didn't want to give up on… on love. I feel so… alone. Fuck.”

 

“Julian,” he sat up from his bed, trying not to show how utterly uncomfortable he was with the situation now. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything.. that it would’ve only made Julian upset, but Keon is so fucking nosy and insensitive that he just has to constantly stick his nose in whatever he wants. Julian doesn’t deserve to have someone like him doing this to him.. he’s probably one of the only good things in this fucking place. “I didn’t mean to upset you..”

 

Reaching a hand out as he manages to get onto his feet and walk over to him, hesitant and unsure if he should really touch him, Keon tries to be gentle in his words, but doesn’t think he’s really helping. “Your boss is a dick- he knows you did something for _him_ , and he doesn’t visit? Huuge dick. Fuck him; he doesn’t deserve to have someone as loyal and nice as you. You, on the other hand, do.”

 

It takes him a moment to decide whether or not to continue, swallowing the fear and anxiety in his throat. “He.. he doesn’t know how good he had it, really, and now.. he lost someone who would’ve done and fucked the world for him. Go place your loyalty with someone else, Julian. Someone who returns your feelings.. don’t ignore you and leave you to die.”

 

“I-I know, Keon, I just… I don't know. I'm not gonna fucking do this anymore, I c-can't,  but…” he trails off, sucking in a breath and holding it. His eyes shut, briefly, trying to shove away all the thoughts and feelings that want to spill out of him like word vomit. “You… you're a good guy, man. A good friend. You deserve… you deserve to be happy.”

 

* * *

 

 

_He’s uncomfortable with me here.._

 

That’s the only thing that Siri can think when he’s sitting across from the cancer patient, sitting on a chair next to him, neither of them saying a word. He didn’t know what to say to him.. to ask him if the shiny black eye was given to him by Yuki or someone else, if it hurt. Or should he ask him about the.. kid, that was his, he was carrying. Fuck- he’d only really known for a a day maybe, and.. he didn’t even know if Akivya even wants him in his life or if he and Yuki are still really together because the two of them were constantly fighting, saying they were done, and then they were fucking and cuddling so he had no idea what he was supposed to really do here.

 

It really did feel uncomfortable -for both of them now. Siri just wanted to hand him the papers and ask.. if.. if he could tell him about the baby, maybe? When he opens his mouth, he frowns at how weak and nervous he sounds. Something he refuses to admit to himself about being- he was too old to act weak, too strong and mature.

 

“Does.. h-how do you know it’s mine?” Siri rubs his throat, looking away from him as he clenched the papers in his hand. “I..I used protection those times we fucked..”

 

He sounds so much different than usual; his voice a different tone than Akivya's used to hearing, not like when they were around Yuki, when Siri talked to him almost unyieldingly, and completely ignored him. The comment still stings- he can't tell if it's because of the implications, because it feels like Siri is calling him a whore and because he's so _clearly_ uncomfortable that Akivya isn't sure what to say to any of it.

 

He doesn't know if he should talk about Keon, about how he was going to list Keon as the father, how Siri doesn't have to worry about anything. He doesn't know if he should tell him that he should leave Yuki too, get away from all the stress and threats and insults… he doesn't know if he should even speak. But he answers the question anyway. “Yuki's not… he's bent. Can't get someone pregnant. So it has to be you. I… I don't expect you to take care of it. But… you should know. Don't wanna- fuck. Um… I made you something. You know. If you like that.” he offers the man a smile, folding his hands over his stomach, attempting not to ruin anything.

 

Siri doesn’t know why he’s not saying no, shaking his head, and just giving him the papers because _the longer I stay here, with him, the more Yuki is going to yell and scream at me. Maybe accuse me of fucking him again, like last night, and he’s going to hit me- I just need to leave, just give him the paper, and then everyone’s happy. He doesn’t even want me in the picture, even if I sorta-kinda-maybe want to see them- he.. Akivya doesn’t want me in here, it’s so fucking obvious. I just.. need to go._

 

“Sure,” he licks his lips, leaning in somewhat closer to the bed. “I..I need to give you something else first.”

 

Against his entire being telling him no - that he’s going to breakdown and now he’s ruined any chance for a relationship with the kid - he’s shakily revealing the divorce papers and setting them on the side of the bed, trying not to let Akivya see how ashamed and terrified he looks. Looking down at his feet, he hisses out, “Yuki.. Yuki said that if he doesn’t get the papers back by tonight, he’ll…” he clears out his throat. “Take you to court and sue for complete custody. He got a referral by a lawyer last night- some scrawny man- that he has a good case and could get your.. our baby.”

 

He looks down at the papers, then back up at Siri, and then down again, shakily pulling a pen out from the drawer in the bedside table and looking up to him with a sad smile. “Siri… you don’t have to stay with him, sweetie… I-I mean, look… I’m getting out… I know he hurts you too.” He swallows, takes a deep breath, before looking over each one of the papers- just a few quick signatures and a bit of information about the reasoning… not much he had to do. He shuts his eyes briefly, before looking back up and giving Siri another smile. “Just give me a few minutes. I’ll take care of it all now- um… you can just wait? You okay with that? I mean… I know I’m not the best company. You’d probably like at least some eye candy, right?”

 

Akivya gives the other a tiny laugh along with the comment, his hands shaking as he finally touches the pen to the paper. It’s only after the first signature, and the second, that he lets out a tiny hum and decides to finally say something. “Um… i-if you wanna… I don’t know… just meet them? I feel like they should see their daddy. At least once. And- and are there any names you like? I don’t really have any in mind yet. But I thought you should at least have a say. After all, they’re forty percent yours- I took ten percent off because they’re in my body and I’m gonna be the one who they stay with for awhile, but… yeah. You know. They’re your kid, Siri- yours and mine. Not Yuki’s.”

 

“He’s.. he’s never hurt me,” he looks back down at his feet, a small blush growing on his face- he couldn’t tell if it was because he felt embarrassed at being told his relationship with Yuki was abusive - Akivya would know, but.. Yuki wasn’t as bad as when he was with Siri.. he knew when to avoid his fits and how to calm his down - or when he.. he actually wants him to be in the picture, help name the kid.. “Never.. bad, at least.”

 

He reaches out to touch his hand, looking at him with a forced soft smile. “I..I don’t think Yuki would be very happy with this, you know? I.. Thanks- I.. I’m sorry that Yuki’s been a huge dick about this- he cares about you, I guess.. I think he does at least.”

 

“I-I don’t know,” Akivya finally chokes out, entirely too surprised when the younger man places a hand over his, his own skin seeming even more pale against Siri’s heavy tan. He doesn’t know what to say- if he should be open about everything, honest with him, let him know that _I want you to see the kid and I wish you thought you could leave Yuki because you need someone caring who’ll treat you like their bunbun and won’t hit you._ Instead, he just gives a tiny sigh, as he finally meets Siri’s eyes again- they’re afraid. It’s… it makes a pain start in Akivya’s chest, something too sad, something that makes him feeling like crying all over again. And that’s when it hits him.

 

“He- if you don’t… he thinks that you came over here to… to fuck me, doesn’t he? He thinks that we’re- that you’re going around behind his back… he always said that about me too. Yuki- he’s always called me a whore. Is that all I am to you, Siri? Am I just a fucking slut that sleeps with anyone I can get my hands on? Is- does he say that about me? Does he… he hits you, Siri! I know… he- Yuki… h-he tried to… to strangle me. Do you remember that? W-what’s going to happen to you if I’m not around?”

 

He can’t keep the tears from spilling down his face, too aware of the fact that he must look so weak right now, his fingers bonier than ever as they wrap around Siri’s- he feels so… small. So fragile. It’s different than with Keon, because Keon doesn’t know- doesn’t know about the sorts of things he used to do, especially with Yuki. Keon doesn’t know that… that he’s better than Akivya. Too good for him, and it scares the darker-skinned man to think about telling him- because if Keon leaves him, then… he doesn’t have anything.

 

He doesn’t know why he finally takes a sudden inhale of breath before asking, in a slightly shaken tone, “Do you wanna feel your baby, Siri? Or… or know about it? Just… before you go…? I- anything. Anything you wanna know.”

 

He only nodded, finding himself almost completely mute to him. He didn’t think that.. Yuki-Yuki.. he wouldn’t ever really hurt him- he just gets angry and lashes out a lot, but he’s always been able to calm him down quickly, before he can really hurt him or something else. It’s not like he didn’t get angry himself every once in awhile.. It wasn’t fair of him to make it like everyone else in the fucking world was always calm and rational twenty four seven.

 

Yuki loves him, told him this, said he did every night.. paid his college debt, let him live in his house, and doesn’t really expect him to do anything but just.. just be with him. He had to be grateful, Yuki loved him and proved it to him everyday. He.. he knew that Yuki had gone off on him a lot, on Akivya, struck him and tried to choke him out, but.. Yuki wasn’t a bad person. He was hot tempered, a bit hypocritical and moody, but he was really great when he wasn’t upset. In his best mood, he was the greatest type of human being in the world and Siri was grateful to have him.

 

“Do you know the gender yet?” he asks, finally finding his voice. “Yuki said.. there might be something wrong with it when it’s born- is it.. because of me?”

 

Before he manages to get out another word, his hand is being put on Akivya’s stomach, Akivya staring at him with wide eyes and a large smile. His heart falters, his fingers almost curling around his small bulged stomach. He wasn’t very far along, if at all enough to really feel anything other than just his stomach, but it still made him smile to feel it. His child- theirs, their baby. Not Yuki’s; it was theirs, they were going to raise it together, if Akivya allowed him to go this far. He asked him to help name the kid, he had to want him to have a bigger involvement than just holding the baby.

 

It was strange- the way Siri's hand resting against the curve of his abdomen almost calmed him. It made him feel… vulnerable, yet resilient at the same time, thinking about what was underneath his skin. Their child- and if anything, the look on Siri's face was the same as his. Akivya doesn't know when the last time he's seen Siri's smile was- before he was in here, before the relationship with Yuki crashed and burned. In a way, he doesn't seem quite as… as fractured as back then.

 

Akivya's lips managed to edge upward slightly, quirking them as he continues to focus on that smile. It's more meaningful to him than anything he's seen in a long while- acceptance, maybe, without a hidden motive. Whatever words were on his lips prior to this moment die for a few fleeting seconds, before he finally says, “There's nothing wrong with them. They're beautiful- they're gonna be the prettiest baby. They have a body like me- but I think they'll look more like you. I even made some clothes for them. What's your favorite color, honeybun?”

 

He lets Siri keep his hand there for a few moments, almost listening to the other man think; it's amusing, watching the way his eyes seemed to light up every time he mentioned the baby. Siri hadn't wanted kids, before, even voiced it- but he seemed different now. Akivya liked it; how thoughtful he was even when he was silent, the way he seemed to want to put the child before himself… there was something tragically flawless. He'd make a perfect father. And Akivya isn't sure if that's why he leans forward and presses a tiny kiss against Siri's warm cheek, but he does. And he doesn't regret it.

 

His blush returns, his eyes widening as he looks at Akivya, his name playing on his lips. “Akivya..?”

 

Without another word, he leaned back into the boy and locked his lips with the boy and wrapped his hand around his neck, pulling him in closer. It seemed stupid to do this- fuck.. he might’ve been the father of the baby Akivya’s carrying, but- was he really allowed to just do this? Either of them, they wouldn’t be a couple- no, Akivya was fucking someone else, that’s what Yuki told him, and Yuki wouldn’t allow him to get with him.

 

Still, as he move his tongue into Akivya’s mouth and could feel the other man doing the same, he could help but let out a small moan. It felt nice just making out with someone that wasn’t trying to apologize for something or to just get in his pants, it was one of the first times in quite awhile that he didn’t feel like it was forced or just lustful. With Akivya, it was nice- even if he doubted that he’d ever be able to do this for real, not when it was just in the heat of the moment and instigated by him.

 

After a few long minutes, he leaned back out and immediately stood up. “Sorry.. um- Yuki.. Yuki will probably be coming around tonight, maybe. I-I should go.”

 

He hadn’t been expecting that- to be kissed like the goddamn world was falling to pieces, to fist his hands in Siri’s shirt and cling to him in a way he hadn’t done for so long… but it hadn’t felt right. It was desperate and rushed and it just… it ached. It ached, and all Akivya could think about was Keon, and he just nods, giving Siri a simple smile because _I know you still love him; I can’t change that._

 

He runs a tongue over his lips, leans back against the pillows and barely, around the outline of Siri’s body, catches a glimpse of the white flowers Keon had left for him a few days ago… they’re so pale, so… surreal, almost like he is. And it’s the way his heart pounds even when he isn’t with him, the way his entire being aches for him, that makes him understand. He doesn’t love anyone more- not now.

 

But that doesn’t change what happened with Siri, and it doesn’t change the next few words that finally drag themselves from Akivya’s lips. “Siri… I really do hope that you’re happy.”

* * *

 

Keon couldn’t help but stare at the man, brushing a hand through the small spikes of his hair, barely really anything to be called hair. He looked.. healthier- better than he did awhile ago. Still too skinny and thin, pale and shallow. His skin too cold and shaky, but he didn’t want to voice any of this to him. He already knew all of it, he didn’t need to hear him talk about it. He looked perfect to him, nonetheless, even if he was sickly.

 

“I love you,” he pressed his lips against his shoulder blade, pulling his body closer to him. His body felt so cold beside him, like a corpse that’s been ignored for far too long. He tried to ignore it, focusing on his colourful clothes, how inviting and soft his looked. Perfect, amazing.. Yet there was something else in his eyes, hesitance?

 

“Aki?” he sits up, letting Akivya fall gently against the pillows, looking up at him confused. “What’s wrong?”

 

It was stupid- he couldn’t help feeling embarrassed, meeting eyes with Keon as he heaved a deep sigh that he wasn’t sure was due to relief or… something else. It’s hard for him, struggling to form the syllables on his lips, barely able to get out a soft, “I-I’m… I’m _dying,_ Keon… I just… I don’t want to ruin what we have. I mean, I want you- so fucking badly, it’s just… I don’t have that much time left? I don’t know if… if you’re okay with this.”

 

He met the other’s gaze hesitantly, sure that his own eyes are wide, more fearful than they’ve looked in a long time, although he hopes that the love and… and the desire are reflected there as well. As Keon moves, Akivya can’t keep from bringing a hand up to brush gently against his cheek, caressing the side of his face almost protectively… lovingly. “I don’t want to hurt you with that… with any of this. I just…” he takes a deep breath. “You’re the only person it feels right to kiss, Ke-Ke. Anyone else… it feels wrong, I don’t know… I love you. Like, really, really love you- the type of love that happened in _The Notebook_ or _Pride and Prejudice._ That’s how much I love you- and need you. I want you to be my bunbun forever… just don’t… don’t do this if you aren’t absolutely sure.”

 

“I never saw either of those movies,” he confessed. Brushing another hand through his hair, he could only stare back at him. He should’ve been able to guess that… that he was going to be upset about the dying, think that he was going to ruin everything- which he wasn’t. Nothing he could do at this point could. If Akivya were die now, at least he was able to be with him as long as they have now. It’s all he really wanted now.

 

“But I do love you, Aki,” he leaned down, cupping his face in his hands once again, and pressed his lips against his. It was soft, gentle, and he could feel Akivya’s lips curl around him, almost smiling against his lips. “I’ve never been more sure than I am now..you’re mine, you and the baby. No one else.”

 

He brushed a stray hair from his face, moving his eyes down his body and let it linger on his chest. Softly laying back down, he rested his head on Akivya’s chest and kissed his lower jaw. “Don’t.. don’t have second guesses, that’ll ruin everything. You really do mean everything to me, I won’t let you or the cancer or Yuki- anything- let this get away. Fuck.. Maxine, Jaina, Gioia, Everett.. everyone I’ve ever dated, it never felt like this with them. I want to be with you until you do go, Akivya. Is.. is that so wrong?”

 

“I…” he started, unable to really form words, too focused on the way Keon's touching him, so intimately yet so gently, like the other man thinks he's fragile… he doesn't mind, strangely enough. It's different, but he thinks he likes it just as much. Akivya runs hands through Keon's hair, combing it back behind his ear until he can see his smile fully. He doesn't regret this- any of it. He'll be happy, here, spending his last few months with Keon… his Ke-Ke. And their baby.

 

“I just wish I'd met you earlier,” Akivya murmured softly, giving a glance down and letting it linger on Keon's face- the perfect curve of his jaw, high cheekbones, brighter eyes, those soft, curled blond locks that he loves to touch so much. He doesn't need anything else- Keon's right. It doesn't matter, him dying, when he has someone so perfect sitting next to him, loving him more than anyone ever has.

 

“I know,” he loses his smile, wrapping his hand around his neck and just stares back at him. “I wish I met you before too..”

 

Akivya returned his smile, leaning down to kiss him, but this time he didn’t let either of them pull away. Keon could feel his body realizing what he was trying to do and tried to break away with him, but he forced himself to keep going, slipping his hand down the front of Akivya’s shirt. The confusion on his face spread quickly, his name playing his lips.

 

“Aki..” he leaned into his neck, his breath slowing as he tried to lift off his shirt. “I.. I want to show you how much I love you.. let me make you feel good.”

 

Closing his eyes, he tried to imagine the two of them in better shapes.. him not being repulsed by what he’s doing, and Akivya not to sickly and thin; touching each other, being able to fuck each other without worry. It’d be a long time before they’d ever actually be do this, if at all, but it made him feel better to pretend that they were perfect when they were doing this.

 

He isn't sure what to do, because it's been so long since he's had any semblance of choice in sex and he almost feels… inadequate. Uncertain. And it's bullshit, because if anyone has a right to feel that way it's _Keon,_ and the fact that really the only person who's… touched him while he looks like this was _Yuki_ doesn't help anything.

 

Still, when Keon's pushing his mouth against his own, pulling his lips apart and licking the inside of his often-chewed lower lip, it's almost nice. He's… excited. Excited at the prospect of what this means, of what it means to his Keon and… he's happy. Almost eagerly, Akivya pushes back against him, his hand sliding up to fist in Keon's hair as he tries to take a deep breath…

 

And then Keon's hand is running down his body, pressing against his hips still covered by bright fabric, and he can't help saying, “Wait.” He looks up at Keon, uncertain. “Are you… okay with this? I mean…” he pauses again, before saying softly, “Don't… don't laugh at me, sugarplum, kay?”

 

“Never.”

 

He pressed another kiss against his lips, pressing a palm against his chest, and smiled. Keon didn’t think that he was in any position to really laugh at anyone- at least Akivya told him, he was about to go in blind. He regretted it, not telling him, and he wanted to, but he couldn't find the words to tell him now.

 

Once Keon finally managed to strip him of his shirt, he worked his way down his pants and almost stopped completely, looking up at him- _say no, and I’ll stop. (Please don’t say no.)_ A small smile breaks out on his face when he receives a small, almost hesitant nod. “I love you, Aki.. every little bit of you,” he pressed a small kiss to his chest, so much paler than the rest of his body. His ribs almost stuck out, his entire body heaving as Akivya wrapped a hand around his head and leaned back, closing his eyes as Keon graced his lips down his stomach.

 

“You’re so beautiful,” he says softly, uncomfortably shifting his position to hovering over his pants, hands shaky at trying to remove them. “Tell.. tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”

 

He doesn't say no- hell, he doesn't say much of anything, simply staring at Keon for a few long seconds before he finally nods. It's quick and he's almost surprised at how little time it takes before Keon's working his pants over his hips, sliding them down and then just… staring.

 

Akivya feels uncomfortable, shifting his hips as he tries to cover up what has to be _too fucking clear_ on his body, heaving a sharp breath as he waits for Keon to say something, before he murmurs softly, “I-I… can I see you too? I mean…” he focuses in on the frown lining Keon's face. Akivya wonders if he should tell him- about Yuki, that he _knows,_ but he doesn't want to… to ruin this. So he adds, under his breath, “You can touch me more… if you wanna.”

 

Keon licked his lips, hesitant to show him anything that wasn’t currently covered by clothes right now. “O..okay,” he nodded, slowly removing his hospital gown and threw it on the ground. Immediately, he tried to cover himself up, flinching at the soft, yet lustful eyes of the man below him. He hated being so.. uncovered nowadays, whether it be because he’s gone quite a bit soft since he’s been admitted or because of the incident. Even if it was in front of Akivya, he felt unsure and self conscious of how he looked. He knew he looked better than Akivya, as rude as that was- they weren’t in the same standards- it made no sense to feel so insecure around him.

 

“Sorry I’m not much to look at,” he tried to smile, but it turned into more of a nervous grimace. Swallowing the rest of the fear in his throat, he moved his hands down to take off his pants. “Don’t.. don’t laugh, okay? It.. it happened when I was getting admitted in here.”

 

He tries not to let the look on his face deter Keon, an almost amused smile crossing his lips. He wanted to cry- the only words leaving his lips “You didn't have to hide this from me, Ke-Ke. I love you.”

 

He reaches out just enough to grab hold of the other's shoulders and pull him closer, his hands resting firmly on Keon's shoulders, one moving up to brush against the side of his face. “I love you, Keon. You're so beautiful, baby… you're always gonna be my bunbun, okay? I love you so much- scars don't matter. Not to me…” he steadily pulls Keon closer, letting his mouth press against his ear lightly. “I want you to touch… touch me… however you want.”

 

Keon blushes, once again, burying his head in his chest for a moment, biting down on his lips to conceal his small smile. He moved his hand down, taking a hold of Akivya’s length and slowly began stroking the small tip, staring at him expectantly- to tell him what to do, or what he wants, _because he has no idea what he wants._ All he wants to do is give him pleasure and he doesn’t care if he really receives it because he doesn’t think he really can.

 

“You’re too amazing,” he smiles, unable to control himself, quickening his pace. The look on his face, relaxed and already breathing faster than before makes him want to smile bigger, pleased with himself. His sight went down his body- staring at how flat his chest was, how he was so much smaller than himself, how his name was being moaned. He could only really stare, unable to do anything else, too utterly fascinated by his body.

 

“Please don’t ever leave me,” he finally manages to say, feeling his cold hands trailing down his torso, enough to cause him to shiver. He could feel Akivya’s fingers wrap around his cock, nails trailing around the long veins and scars. It felt.. strange- it’s been too long since someone touched him sexually since two years ago. Fuck, he hadn’t even touched himself since than. Too utterly disgusted by his own touch to pleasure himself; but yet, Akivya touching him made him melt, so fucking turned on. He loved it- he wanted it so much- only him, ever. “Aki.. don-don’t stop.”

 

His pace on the other’s small length seemed to slow down dramatically, unable to really keep going as he felt the light tugs on his penis. “Fuck,” he hissed a quick breath of air, leaning his body in so that he was only an inch or so away from the other. “I love you, Akivya. Please..”

 

He could feel the tenseness in Keon's body, the way his muscles seemed to go rigid as he thrust his hips forward against Akivya's hand. His breathing was so unsteady, the way he kept exhaling against the older man's dark skin as his legs trembled and he pushed himself against Akivya's body even more, until they were touching.

 

He sped up his pace, fingers curling around Keon's shaft, thumb brushing over the head, stroking gently. Long, fast movements were trailed along his length, feathery kisses brushing up against Keon's lips as Akivya pulls him down, wanting to just devour Keon, let the younger devour _him,_ so careful and gentle as he gave a final tug on Keon's cock, white spilling over his thin fingers. Taking a deep breath, Akivya finally says, “Move your hand… lower, Ke-Ke.”

 

Keon flinches, but complies, moving his hand down on steadily. He gives an almost startled gasp when he feels it- the slit underneath his length, narrow and small. His fingers probe against Akivya's barely visible entrance, hesitant. “I.. I wish we had some lube,” he tries to laugh, looking down in embarrassment. “I..I haven’t done anything like this for awhile.. I’m sorry.”

 

Fuck, why did he have to make this feel so awkward? It wasn’t like he was a virgin, he knew how to finger someone without lube. It wasn’t brain science, just stick his fingers inside of him and finger fuck him until he was pleasured. He probably looked so stupid compared to everyone else Akivya has ever fucked.

 

It was oddly cute how Keon could barely get a sentence out without sounding completely awkward; Akivya licked his lips, briefly, before looking up to the younger man again with a tiny smirk. “Are you worried about hurting me?” he teased casually, before tilting Keon's head up with long fingers. “Hey, you're fine. I-I just want you… I want _you._ So bad. Please.”

 

He's not asking for sex; being pregnant just makes it awkward, practically impossible to even think about. Still, he can't help breathing a tiny sigh when he feels the tip of Keon's finger push into him, biting down on his lip and spreading his legs further as another pushes against his entrance. “J-Just like that… that's all…”

 

Keon wasn’t surprised when he tasted something metallic on his mouth, seeing as he had been biting down on his chapped lips for so long now that it was bound to happen. He tried to focus all his attention of what he was doing, just so that he could calm down more. Akivya's walls seemed to close in around his finger, pulsing and dampening his finger. After inserting a second finger, he could feel the smaller man convulsing underneath him, moaning his name.

 

“You’re so soft,” he said quietly, biting down on Akivya’s shoulder as he pressed somehow inserted a third into him, pushing against what he assumes is the other's g-spot, from how his hips push forward and moans escape his mouth. He cleared his throat, his breathing coming out in quick and fast intakes of breaths as he felt Akivya’s near-erection against his stomach. It felt familiar.. like Everett’s-- just like his in his back, his own fingers inside of him. Keon tries to swallow back the uncomfortable memory, reminding himself that he’ll never have to see him again- he’s somewhere in the world, far away from him- and he’s with Akivya; just _fucking stop imagining him inside you again._

 

“I-I.. I’m sorry,” he let’s his fingers retreat, slowly moving to the edge of the bed, brushing a hand through his thin hair. “I.. can.. can we try again some other time?”

 

“I- o-of course,” Akivya replies, sitting forward until he can put his hands against Keon's chest, let them linger there without moving, just breathing in and out as he looks at him. Eventually, he lets a hand slip under Keon's chin, tilting the blond man's head up until he can hear his unsteady breathing, the reflection of a memory caught in his eye. “Ke-Ke… hey… you're with me, okay? You're in control. He can't hurt you. Not now, not ever again.”

 

He pulls the younger man closer, until Keon's lying down on his side, facing him, and he can press a kiss against his thin lips and wrap arms around his back and just say, “I love you, honey boo-boo. You're mine, kay? My Ke-Ke. Just… just think about me. About us, okay? We don't… don't have to have sex. Not ever, if you don't want. We're already in love, already a family… just love me like I love you.”

 

Keon had to bite back tears, turning his head so that he was facedown in the uncomfortable pillow. “I-I’m.. no- we don’t have to do that. Just. just give me some time, okay? I.. I just need some time-not used to this.”

 

Fuck, why did he have to be so fucking weak all the time? Why couldn’t he.. he be able to fuck his lover without getting so emotional? Hadn’t almost three years since the event been enough time to get rid of the memory? It wasn’t fair- not at all. Even Akivya, who was _fucking dying_ could fuck him, and wasn’t getting upset and he confessed to being forced into it a million fucking times with Yuki. Why couldn’t he just be stronger?

 

“I’m sorry,” he looked at him, aware that there was now tears falling down his face. “I.. I want to so much, I want to be able to finger you so much, Aki- I.. I-I.. all I can think of is- is.. him. And his face and how he felt against me.. I can’t keep doing it. I’m sorry.”

 

He wants to tell him it’s okay, that the past doesn’t matter anymore, that he’s safe now- but Akivya can hardly bring the words to leave his lips. So he just lies there, on the uncomfortable hospital bed, holding Keon as the younger man buries his face into Akivya’s shoulder and cries. When he finally does speak, the only thing that slips free is an, “I love you.”

 

And then it’s silent.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Keon could only stare at the nurses, watching silently as they were loading Akivya back into his chair, shouting words he couldn’t understand at all. He tried to reach over to grab his boyfriend’s hand, but was quickly shoved away from him by one of the nurses, telling him that he needed to stand clear. Mouthing sorrys that only feel on deaf ears, Keon only stared at his Akivya screaming in panic and worry- “Is there something wrong with our baby?”

 

Ignoring him once again, he tried to follow them slowly behind, his eyes locking with Akivya’s- trying to tell him not to be worried, he was there, _please be okay._ He was too pale, sweaty, and unmoving as they rushed him through the tight hallways. His heart seemed to slow down, thoughts unable to form in his head- all he wanted to do was be told something.

 

“Is.. are they going to be okay?”

 

He kept screaming after them, almost tripping to his feet when one of them put their massive hands on his chest and forced him to stop behind them. Keon’s sight of Akivya was lost behind large doors, which only served him to panic further. “Please.. let-let me be with him..? He-he needs me? I-I want to see him- need to make sure he’s okay. Akivya, he.. and the baby-I want to see my baby being born too.”

* * *

He couldn't take it- everything was fuzzy, his body spasming as the pain continued to grow. What had been swollen only a few moments ago now felt as though it were about to burst. All he could do was shake, crying so loudly that Akivya was convinced the entire hospital could hear him. His hands clutched the rails on the sides of his bed, almost holding on for dear life.

 

“I- I can't _take it!_ Please- fuck, fucking- Keon, where-! Fuck, please! _Make it stop, make it-!”_ He's screaming slurred words, nails digging into metal bars and his entire body convulsing, as if on fire. He could feel the blood dripping, sliding down his thighs from the place he's never fucking touched, his screams only escalating in volume as he arched forward, back curving, and _there's no way I can give birth fuck fuck fuck-!_

 

* * *

 

Too many hours passed by without a word from the doctor’s telling him about the baby or how Akivya was doing- something that worried that twenty-something year old man greatly. He paced back and forth in the waiting area, ignoring the staring eyes as he tried to focus on what could’ve gone wrong. There was so much- they were both so high risk,, they could both be dead right now, And he wouldn’t know.

 

His baby could be dead, stillborn with no chance of saving it. Deformed so grossly that Akivya had them sent to be raised by someone else and he didn’t want to see him in shame. Maybe too small to leave the ICU and Akivya was crying- fuck, fuck, _fuck_. He didn’t want to think about the baby nearly dying, not ever. His baby, Akivya and his baby- they were going to raise it together as a family, it couldn’t die. Not now. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

 

Something could’ve happened to his Aki- that was his next worry. Bleeded out with delivering the baby, and the doctors couldn’t tell him without informing Yuki and Siri first. He.. he could be dead- unknown to the only person in this goddamn world that gives a single shit about him. His Aki- no. He.. he couldn’t be dead. They wouldn’t just not tell him, they’d tell him. He was his lover- fuck, he basically lived with in the same room. _They had to fucking tell him._

 

It was only a few moments of him curling up in a tight ball before he could see the familiar outlines of two men- an asian man and a native american, Yuki and Siri. _Fuck_ , he hissed back, trying to fade in the background as well as he could. His nose twitched, reminding him that his nose had only really just now healed. _Please- please- please don’t notice me.. I want to focus on Aki and our baby-_

 

Yuki was only a second away from pushing the tiny woman out of his way and barging in the operation room to see the birth of his child. His anger didn’t relax at well when he managed to lock eyes with a shadow, Keon. Infact, it only survived to make it worse.

 

“I’m his husband and the father of his child,” Yuki was up to his full size, glaring down at the woman with the nastiest of glares he could manage. “I demand to see them both. Akivya is probably in there waiting for me.”

 

“H-he’s in surgery,” she seemed to be eyeing one of the security guards, almost desperate for them to come over, though they seemed to be distracted by an older woman shoving photos of some kind in his face. “That’s all I can say for now. When your husband comes out, we’ll call you. Until then, p-please, sit down and relax.”

 

If Siri hadn’t of grabbed his hand, his voice close to mere begging, he would’ve stayed to scream and her more. Instead, he let his lover guide him down to the chairs and tried to calm himself down enough before they called him. The baby wouldn’t want to see their father all upset and agitated, neither would Akivya. He just needed to calm down and.. and he could see the baby by the time he did. It would be this simple, nothing more.

 

“Yuki,” Siri whispered in his ears, snuggling to his side. “The baby.. it’s mine- do you think..” he bit his lip,unsure if he should continue voicing his nervous question.

 

Yuki raised a brow. “Think what, Siri? Out with it. You know how I hate when you’re vague.”

 

Siri flinched, quietly apologizing before adding, “Akivya’s going to let me see them? I-I asked them if I.. I could be a part of my kid’s life-”

 

“When did you do this?”

 

It felt more like a demand than a question.

 

“W-when you had me deliver the divorce papers.. I-I.. I just wanted to-to make sure the kid would be o-okay with them, Yuki.. if.. if we-we don’t.”

 

“The baby will be ours, Siri, don’t act so timid and nervous,” Yuki leaned back, brushing a hand through his hair. A sigh escaped his lips, looking at him annoyed now. “It’s not a good look on you.”

 

“S-sorry,” he licked his lips, returning his hands to his face.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t know how long it had been, with him stuck here, his legs in the most awkward position that only made him want to scream more- everything made him want to scream more. He couldn’t seem to stop letting out those long, awful wails, tilting his head back and letting out something even more banshee-like every time he felt a convulsion run through his abdomen. Everytime it seemed like they were remotely going to stop, he found himself tensing again, that pang of anger rushing through his body along with the pain of the feeling that threatened to split open his sides.

 

Akivya didn’t know what he was screaming- most of it was too mangled or raw to make out any words. Something about how much of a dick Yuki was and how he needed his Keon and a whole string of curses- ‘fucks’ and ‘shits’ and ‘goddamns’ along with some more creative expletives that only seemed to continue flying from his mouth.

 

 _“Where is my motherfucking spinal tap?!”_ He finally screamed, pushing himself against the thin sheets and groaning, trying to push his legs closer together again, an unsteady anger resurfacing when he couldn’t- everything… everything reminded him of Yuki, the way Yuki treated him, how he’d treat their baby, how he couldn’t let that fucking cuntmuffin have custody of _his_ baby and- “Agh, fuck!”

 

He was pushing himself forward and groaning into his own lip, biting down on it with every push until it felt so fucking raw that he wondered if it was going to just split apart and come off… trying to take a deep breath, he feels only a brief moment of relief when something’s pushed down the back of his hospital gown, managing to at least breathe out a “Keon, Ke-Keon, where is he, p-please? I wanna… h-he should be here…? Plea- I swear to _God.”_

* * *

 

Keon bit his lip for what he seemed like the millionth time, almost rocking himself as he watched the clock slowly make it’s way around. Hours passed before he’s even managed to hear a word from anyone, trying to avoid going in the line of sight of Yuki and Siri. He wanted to be with Akivya, to hold his hand while he was giving birth to his baby… not be forced to stay outside, shivering from fear and worthy. It wasn’t fair to make poor Akivya go through this alone, he didn’t deserve this.

 

It felt like it was a only a few days ago since he had met Akivya, that they learned that he was pregnant.. they didn’t even have a name picked out yet. Time.. it felt like it was on overdrive up until now. His only thoughts were about the baby: if the baby would look like Siri or Akivya, if it would be healthy or not. He couldn’t wait to see their baby, kiss it’s forehead, and tell them how much he and Akivya loved them. They were going to be spoiled with love and affection for them both.. Siri and Yuki could both go to hell, Keon and Akivya were going to raise the child themselves and they were going to be amazing.

 

A nurse comes from behind the doors, calling for him- he knows he hears his name in there- and then he can hear Siri and Yuki’s names being called. He hesitates for a moment, terrified of what will happen with all three of them in the room, but he forced himself to walk behind them through the door.

 

He was going to meet his baby and finally see his Akivya.

 

* * *

 

He was crying. He was crying and he wasn't sure why- the pain, the sorrow over not having Keon next to him, the worry over his baby, so scared that they hadn't made it- that they were already dead and the nurses just hadn't told him. He wanted to see them- his beautiful baby. They should be in his arms, not lying in a crib somewhere else. He and Keon… they needed to be with their parents. His entire mind was screaming at him for it- his baby.

 

It takes a few minutes for him to snap out of it; still crying, tears soaking his cheeks as he let out heartwrenching, awful sobs- wails for Keon and their baby. The feeling of an arm wrapping around his shoulders, his face being pressed to a hot chest, is all he notices. Almost instinctively, his arms wrap around the figure- his Keon- still crying as he buries himself into the other's arms.

 

“Ke-Ke…” he chokes out, heaving for breath, “where's my baby? Our baby? I-I wanna… my little bunbun… please.”

 

Keon ran a hand through Akivya’s thinning hair, pressing light kisses to his forehead. “Hey, hey.. they’re okay, baby. The doctor’s are just looking over them- They.. they said they looked beautiful, healthy: all of it. They’re going to be perfect.. like us, Aki.”

 

He wanted desperately to be able to show Akivya their baby, and wipe away all their fears. He wasn’t sure when they were going to be able to see their baby, which only made him feel worse for not being able to bring the one that he knew would calm down Akivya down quickly. “We never picked a name.. Akivya, we’ll need to pick one soon. Did-did you have names you liked?”

 

Akivya's hands were still shaking, fingers clutching to the younger man’s shirt almost insistently, barely able to look at him before the crying started again. Eventually, he didn't know when, the sobs died down to whimpers, his hands releasing Keon just briefly to wipe against his eyes. The older couldn't help giving a last silent cry before meeting eyes with his lover again. “I- t-they're like me… not m-male or female… I t-thought we'd decide… when we saw them?”

 

He reaches a hand out weakly, grasping for the glass of water on the bedside table before he murmurs “Scarf… Ke-Ke. Scarf?” the sigh of relief when a familiar purple fabric is placed in his arms is almost instantaneous,  Akivya's hands working quickly to wrap it around his exposed head, before reaching out to Keon again, pulling him closer with a soft smile. “You… name them. Want you-” the air in his lungs almost dissipates at the sight of two familiar figures in the doorway. “Ke… Keon? D… what are they- Keon, please! Don't- don't let them… don't! M-my baby…”

 

“I-I won’t..” Keon wants so badly to tell them to get the hell out- to call in for a nurse to remove them so they could be alone, but he didn’t think he’d get a chance to do a thing before Yuki stepped forward, his arm tugging Siri up with him. He grimaced, turning enough so that Akivya’s tearful face was hidden in his shirt. “P-please- l..leave.”

 

“And miss being able to hold my child?” Yuki tsked, closing the door behind them. A smug smile appeared on his face. “Keon, do you really think I’d pass up the chance to be first on holding them? Of course not. It’s only fair, that as your husband still, I get to be able to hold and swaddle my baby before anyone else.”

 

Siri could only stare at the three of them, unsure if he should pipe up saying that _he_ was the father of the kid-- or let Akivya hold the kid before any of them. Deciding against it when he could nearly see the hatred the two of them shared rising from their beings, he decided to focus his attention on Akivya in hopes he’d get the strength to try and force the two of them out of this. He was terrified, he could tell that just from looking at him. Face shoved in Keon’s stomach almost enough that he could see the tears that fell from his face. Poor boy.

 

“W-we want to be alone,” Keon barked, aware his voice was much higher than usual because of this. “G-get the fuck out!”

 

He couldn't bring himself to look up, almost breathless as he continued to tremble in Keon's arms. Akivya could feel his hands steady around him, trying desperately to calm his shaking… it would've been a comfort in any other situation, but now, with Yuki's eyes resting on him, he only shook more. He wanted to run, just run far away and disappear, somewhere nobody could keep pushing him down and taking everything from him…

 

Akivya's hands curled around Keon's body, his head pressed against his side so much he felt like he was just gonna melt into Keon's body. He could barely form words, lips quivering in fear, biting down on his tongue until he can taste the tang of blood, trying to pull himself backward, away from Yuki. All he could focus on was his face and how cold he suddenly was and “ _Please don't, please don't, please-”_ as he forcefully pulled away, shoving his body against the bed and pulling the blankets tight around him.

 

“G-Get out,” he tries to say, but it comes out as little more than a gurgle, pulling his scarf further around his head, unwilling to move.

 

He wants his baby- that's it, _his_ baby, his tiny bunbun, his little star… they couldn't let Yuki take them, couldn't let them slip away without a fight, couldn't lose their baby-! Akivya barely had any thoughts, before he was forcing himself to sit up, lashing out and shoving Yuki away, screaming words he couldn't make out, hands hitting Yuki's chest weakly, all but throwing himself at the man.

 

“There, there, Akivya, don’t hurt yourself,” Yuki tried to hide the surprise in his voice, barely managing to grab ahold of his wrists, letting the boy headbutt his head into his chest. “As soon as we’re able to see our child, bond with them a little bit, we’ll leave. We deserve to be able to do this too, darling. Don’t be selfish. You’re not the only two who want to be able to see them. We’ve been here since they called.”

 

Yuki pushed him back against the boy, ignoring his pathetic whine as he scrambled back into Keon’s tight embrace. He looked back over to Siri, giving him an almost gentle smile (of which, caused Siri to flinch). “Siri, darling, go ask one of the nurses when we can see the child for me, please.”

 

He nods, almost too happy to be able to leave the room. Opening the door, he casts a quick look to the smallest of the three, Akivya, giving him the most apologetic look he can give before slamming the door behind him. Honestly.. Akivya didn’t deserve any of them acting like this. This was just stressing him out more than it should. He really didn’t want his baby- their baby- to be brought into their lives if this was really their response to it all. No one deserved to be born into a family like this.

 

It wasn’t the first time he considered asking Akivya to run away with the kid- hop countries with Keon in tow maybe. Even if it meant he’d never really be able to see his kid, it’s not worth letting them be born in a family that just make the child feel like a toy that only two people could really possess at a time. That’s how he figured they all would make the poor thing feel- that’s how he felt when his own parents made him feel after they divorced.. no one, especially not his kid, deserved to go through that.

 

But he doubted any of them thought about it like this.

 

He was still crying, pressing his entire body against Keon’s, trying not to think because if he thinks he’ll feel worse and thinking just makes everything worse right now and he doesn’t know why he’s so stupid, why any of this happened in the first place, why he had to have a fucking kid if he was never gonna see them… All of it made him ache, his heart, his head- his entire body, for what it was worth.

 

Akivya doesn’t know how long it is before he’s falling, on his hands and knees against the floor, barely able to keep himself supported because his head feels like it’s caving in, being smashed around his brain, and he can hear crying in the other room- high-pitched, infantile crying, his baby- and Yuki’s almost laughing and everything’s moving too quickly, the entire room spinning… Keon’s grabbing him, trying to pull him back to his feet, but he can’t hear, and everything feels cold and all he can see are his tan feet and the hospital gown and the edge of the scarf hanging off his shoulder from where it’s been tied around his head… and then it feels blurry and before he even knows what’s going on, he’s just screaming because _I want my baby, give me my baby, please-_

 

Then it’s dark.

* * *

 

It’s about an hour and so later when Keon finally notices that Akivya is coming to, blinking slowly and mumbling something so softly that Keon isn’t quite sure what he’s saying. “Hey,” Keon smiles, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “Don’t get up, just keep laying down.. you hit your head pretty hard when you fell, babe.”

 

Brushing back the scarf that hide his lover’s face, Keon continued, trying to speaker softer and slower than before. “The baby- they brought them in a little while ago. They’re so beautiful, Aki.. they look like you more than Siri. Your soft, wide eyes, thin lips.. all of it: they’re the tiny version of you basically.” He couldn’t help but smile bigger, an almost lyrical tone in his voice as he went on. He was so happy- even if Yuki got to them first, declared that it was his kid, and got to parade around with them.. he got a minute to hold them, kiss their forehead, and tell them what he wanted to tell them.

 

“Yuki.. he-he went out with them- again. He’s been holding them the entire time, I couldn’t get them away from him for more than a moment. I’m sorry.. Siri hasn’t come back yet- I don’t really know where he went off to.” He looks back at the door, licking his lips. “I-I think you’re going to be happy to see them. They really are beautiful- in perfect health and all.”

 

When he glances back down to him, he gains a worried expression. “Are you okay? Should I get the nurse?”

 

He can barely make out enough to respond, his hand grasping for Keon’s only to fall a bit too short- not that it mattered, since Keon took hold of it anyway, pulled it closer to him as Akivya let out a breathy sigh. They… they had a baby. A baby that would grow up to be happy and beautiful and intelligent and creative and- and everything. As long as…

 

He wasn’t going to be there for it, was he? For any of it… for the baby’s first steps, for when they entered school… or graduated. Wasn’t going to be around to get to know them- it fucking hurt. It fucking _hurt_ because the baby wasn’t going to have a mom and Akivya knew that and had them anyway. And now… he had things to lose. Keon, their baby… he didn’t have that before. He didn’t have much of anything before, and that made the reality so much worse…

 

But this wasn’t the time to be thinking like that, Akivya reminded himself, pulling Keon closer so he could wrap his arms around the taller man and just hold onto him… for several long moments, that was all he did, letting his arms cling tightly to Keon’s shoulders before they were falling back at his sides again and he was looking up at his lover and smiling, taking in a deep breath. “I love you, Ke-Ke. You’re- you’re mine, yeah? We… our baby… t-they’re so beautiful, yeah? I… is it wrong? For me to want… to want to take care of them even more when I’m… w-when I’m like this?”

 

He looks up at the younger almost questioningly, trying not to look too disheartened because _we have a tiny baby now, they’re me and Keon’s, our little heavenly joy_ and he just wants to see them. So he finally gets the muscles of his throat to swallow, before almost whispering, “I… c-can I see them?”  
  


“Y-yes,” he’s almost laughing, cupping the boy’s face in his hand until he’s breathing the same air he is. “I love you, Aki. The baby.. our baby, they’re going to love you too- a-and when you do go, which w-won’t be for so fucking long, the baby will always know and love you- I.I won’t let them forget about you- you’re gonna be their hero. They’ll always love their mommy, Aki.. okay? P-please.. nothing in this world would prevent us from taking care of the baby for the longest time possible.”

 

He presses his lips against the bridge of his nose, trying to force himself to calm down the best he can. Keon knows he probably looks like a mess (because he knows he does), but he wants to sound as confident as he can for Akivya so he doesn’t freak out anymore. Akivya deserves to look as happy as he can be for the baby- he wants their meeting to look and be perfect just like he has in his head. They.. they deserve as many perfect moments that they can get before.. before Aki goes.

 

“L-let.. let me find Yu-Yuki, okay?” He breaks away, gripping his hand reassuringly before dropping it.

 

Before he can even leave from his spot, the door opens revealing Siri looking almost completely uncomfortable at being in there, in his arms held their baby. “Y-Yuki.. h-he.. um.” He looks down at the child, almost desperate to hold them longer. “H-he told me to put t-them back- I-I thought you might want to see them first.. I-I didn’t know if you were up yet or not.. I.. yeah- I see you are.. now.”

 

Siri tries to look away from them both, uncomfortable with their stares. “Yuki.. Yuki’s tired- we’re.. gonna go.” He steps forward, ungracefully handing the baby to Keon in the worst way he can- regretting it instantly. “We’re.. gonna be back in the morning.. So-yeah. They’re.. they’re quiet- by the way. Hardly makes a sound, think-think it’s a good thing. S-sorry.. I-I didn’t mean to make this more awkward than it should be. Um- night.”

 

He turns to leave, casting a longing look at the fussing baby, before making his way to the door. He felt like shit for leaving them- he had so much he wanted to say to them both - Akivya, in particular - but.. Yuki wanted them both to leave, and he really didn’t want to upset the older man any more than he was earlier. He had to pick his battles for now.. maybe tomorrow he’d be able to stay longer, hold and play with _his_ baby more.

 

He almost hated to see him go- the sight of Siri’s back turning the corner before going completely out of sight in the hallway only served to make Akivya even more…- almost sad? Was that the right word?- than before, giving a frown as he looks up to Keon, shutting his eyes briefly. A part of him wanted to call out to the younger man- to Siri, the father of his fucking baby- and say that he should stay. That Akivya wanted him to stay, that he wanted him in their child’s life, that he… that he deserved better because he _did_ and the world’s too fucked up a place if someone like Siri has to stay with someone like Yuki.

 

The second he manages to let Siri’s name part from his lips, the man’s long gone and all he can feel are Keon’s eyes, staring down at him as Akivya tries to prop himself up in the bed, reaching his arms out the best he could until he can feel the baby settling in them, still crying, almost too loud for him to focus. But when he looks at their eyes, he knows, taking a deep breath and smiling down at them, using one arm to pull the baby against his chest, head still up of course, until he can look down at them and smile. He teases a finger across their cheek, lightly, giving a tiny, almost awkward laugh.

 

“My little bunbun,” he says, jokingly, enjoying the way their eyes seemed to widen, taking in everything around them- including him. Their… their mother. Their mommy. He was… he was their mommy. The thought only makes tears well up in Akivya’s eyes again, looking up to Keon almost questioningly, both feeling like he needed help because _I don’t know what to do, I’ve never known what to do, help me_ and because… because Keon was a new parent too. This baby was _theirs._ Together… they were all going to be a family one day. A real family… even if it was in a bloody hospital.

 

“Ke-Ke?” He murmurs softly, looking up at the young man again, letting the tears finally slip from his eyes- joyfully, not ruefully- as he finally asks, in a tone almost too gentle to be heard, “W-what’s their name?”

 

“I-I.. liked a lot..” he laid his hand on his, staring at the way the baby seemed to almost relax at the sound of Akivya’s voice. He brushed a hand against their small cheeks, smiling. “I-I really liked Eylem.. I-it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Ay-lem.. rolls off the tongue pretty easily I think.. W-what about you, Aki? Y-you probably a million names you liked.. s-should we ask Siri what he thinks? I-I know you wanted to try and include him in all of this. Maybe.. maybe we can pick the first and he could do the middle, if you want?”

 

He doesn’t know when he stopped his rambling, only that Akivya’s eyes seemed to only grow softer and kinder the longer that he did. “I’m sorry- I.. I don’t know I’m rambling.”

 

“No… don't apologize, Keon… I think they like it when you talk…” Akivya mumbles tiredly, his hand smoothing over the baby's head lazily, smiling at how smooth their head is, almost like his. Brushing a thumb over their cheek he murmurs softly, “Eylem. Our little treasure. You're so beautiful… such a beautiful baby. Mommy thinks you're the most beautiful baby he's ever seen…” Akivya brings his lips down to press against their forehead before looking up to Keon.

 

“You… you should hold them, bunbun. They're ours. Our little star. And you're their daddy. They need their daddy most right now… I'm so tired, Keon… I need to lie down, I'm sorry.”

 

“Hey- don’t.. don’t worry about that, baby.” He laughs a bit too hard to make it sound forced, wincing when he can see the worry easily covering his entire his face. Keon tries to smile, wrapping his arms around the swaddled newborn and pressing them to his chest. “You just gave birth.. you have right to be tired, Aki. Get some rest.. it’s pretty late, isn’t it? Eylem probably wants to go to sleep now too- huh, Eylem?” He looks down at the baby, curling his hand around the side of their face just enough to stroke their cheek. They look back up to them, he thinks (can baby even perceive things this young?), and blink slowly at him.

 

“Yeah,” he smiles, looking back up to Akivya and kisses his cheek. “Let’s all get some rest.. we’ll be forced to deal with Yuki in the morning anyway..”

* * *

 

Morning arrives faster than he would’ve assumed, waking with an awful, biting pain that starts in his chest and seeps through bone. It’s almost frigid, biting, and Akivya doesn’t quite know why he feels so… empty. So alone, so… lost, like everything’s momentarily lost its light and all that’s left is a dull shade of grey, unending within the confines of the hospital room.

 

The only thing that makes it better is the feeling of a body next to his, half chilled, like in a dream, and for a moment he has to wonder if he’s still asleep. Keon looks almost surreal, barely illuminated by the early sunlight filtering through the curtains; it’s picturesque… almost reminiscent of something inherently comforting. Akivya doesn’t want to wake him, doesn’t want to change any of it- not even when he can hear the cry of a baby in the distance of the hall, or when he thinks there’s a knock, rapping on the door.

 

Keon’s stirring, just slightly, shifting his position so his head’s resting next to Akivya’s, against a pillow far too bright for the dull room… the spot of color is a welcome comfort, Akivya thinks, unwinding the purple scarf from his head and grabbing for a pale blue beanie lying on the table beside the bed.

 

He doesn’t want to wake Keon, and he isn’t sure if it’s his movements that have or if it’s Keon himself, breathing heavily as he blinks open his eyelids and looks up at Akivya and just… smiles, faintly, almost dazed looking. “Morning, sleepyhead…” Akivya murmurs, running fingers through the younger man’s tangled blonde curls, barely noting the knock on the door as it comes, once again, too focused on staring into his lover’s eyes. “You’re pretty when you sleep,” he mumbles slightly, lying on his side so his eyes can meet Keon’s, a tiny laugh leaving his lips.

 

Keon’s only slightly sure that he’s able to understand what Akivya is actually saying, too out of it to really make sense of it anyway. He leans in, smiling so softly that if it really counts as a smile or just a slight curve of his lips, and kisses the man’s smooth chin. “You look nicer..” he nudges his head closer to his, fingers tangling in his gown before lazily looking back up to him. “The baby..? Where?”

 

Before he can try and correct his sentence, there’s a heavy knock on the door that demands to be heard. Keon narrowed his eyes, rubbing the sleepiness from them before sitting up. It was too early for visitors- both in hospital terms and his own. He really did just want to cuddle with Akivya until they went to take care of the baby, but it seemed like someone else had decided to take away their first morning with the baby from them with their own impatience. Irritated, he barked out, “What?”

 

The blonde wasn’t too surprised when the door revealed the mixed couple from yesterday, Yuki sporting a rather annoyed pout and Siri just looking embarrassed for intruding so early. Keon leaned back, yawning enough to get tears watering his eyes, ready to scold them both for arriving before the resting couple had even managed to get out of bed, only to be cut off by Yuki snapping at them.

 

“-lazy, both of you. A real parent would never sleep in so late. Have either of you even checked in on the baby? On my child? Disgusting behaviour from the both of you.” Yuki pulls Siri into the room further with him, his voice somehow managing to sound angry but calm and controlled. “Well? Get up both of you- I won’t tolerate lazy parenting.”

 

Akivya could barely let out anything other than a soft moan, rolling onto one side as he faced Yuki, finally replying, in a tone softer than even his usual, “Keon’s been checking on Ey every couple of hours, Yuki- barely slept last night. I was passed out when you left- after giving _birth_ for fifteen hours- so I don’t think you have any right to scold us. If you were so concerned, you could’ve stayed all night, yeah?”

 

He isn’t sure why he’s feeling so… angry all of a sudden, all the pent up aggression collected over the past few months that Akivya still isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do with just seemed to be spilling out today. Despite the gentle tone of his voice, he thinks the words conveyed a clear meaning- _you’re doing no better than us-_ which was true.

 

The second instinct was, however, more pressing than the first- falling back onto the bed, struggling to even move himself as he focused eyes on the crying Eylem held in Siri’s arms. He wanted to cry again- wanted to so badly, wanted to just scream and push at him and kick Yuki out of the room, but he couldn’t even bring himself to speak again. The second Yuki gives him that glare- something so fucking _scalding_ that Akivya thinks the intent may be to actually kill him- he’s pulling away and pressing his face into Keon’s shoulder, trying not to let the tears loose.

 

“I-I’m sorry, Yuki…” he adds, finally. “I just- they’re my tiny bunbun. I can hardly… I know.”

 

The baby stirred in Siri’s arms, cries getting louder- which only caused Siri to panic worse. He cautionary looked to the older man, unsure of what he’s supposed to do other than just bounce them. _Please help me,_ played on his lips, trying not to flinch when he only received a smirk from the older man in return. He really didn’t want any more fighting to happen- especially not around the baby, they weren’t even alive for an entire day and they were already being forced to hear fighting.

 

“Akivya,” Yuki waggled his finger at him, turning to take the fussing child away from the terrified boy, bouncing them in his arms almost mockingly. “You’re anger has already upset the poor thing.. you’ll need to learn to control yourself better.”

 

“Y-Yuki.. please,” Siri bit his lip, regretting saying anything at all when he only received a taunting look from the older man. “D-don’t.. not arou-around..”

 

“I’m fully aware of my rights to say things around my child,” he turned away from him, the hand on Siri’s shoulder returning just as tight as before. Yuki spared him one last glance, amused when Siri wouldn’t even look back at him, but focused entirely on the still wailing child in his arms. _He’s too attached,_ Yuki noted. Breaking his gaze at him, he turned back to the couple who were both staring at him like he had just thrown the baby across the room at them. “Well? Are either of you going to be getting up anytime today? Akivya.. you said you’d be a good mother, that’s not being shown well today. Quieten down your child.”

 

Yuki didn’t have to say it twice before Akivya was shoving away from Keon, standing to his feet shakily, barely able to make out anything other than the slick floor of the hospital room, walking over to Yuki almost too weakly. The smirk crossing the older man’s face only caused him to turn his head away, almost ashamed of how… how everything was going, how he looked right now, because he wasn’t even sure if he could take care of his baby and-

 

Hesitantly, he meets eyes with Yuki, before stretching out his arms for the baby. Yuki seems almost reluctant to hand them to him at first, but soon obliges- harshly, although he’d never admit it, Eylem’s head practically rolling into Akivya’s arms, only serving to further anger the younger. But he tried to keep it in, refraining from speaking to Yuki as he rocked the child in his arms, walking back to sit gingerly on the edge of the bed with them, pulling their head closer to his chest as he continued to murmur things in their ear.

 

How much he and Keon loved them, how much Siri cared for them, how he was always going to be there for his tiny bunbun… the last one may not have been entirely true, but… he just wanted Eylem to believe him. Just for now. That he’d never leave them alone if he had a choice, that he never wanted them to grow up without him…

 

Before he knows why, he’s motioning to Siri with his eyes, just barely whispering the other’s name before turning back to Yuki. “C-can… I wanna have a moment with Siri. If it’s… okay. You and Keon can… go talk to the nurse about feeding Eylem, okay?”

 

Keon hesitated, looking over him twice before nodding. An ‘okay’ almost too quiet to hear escapes his lips, leaning down to kiss the volatile newborn before forcing Yuki to leave the room with him. He was too worried about leaving Akivya alone- too scared about him collapsing or something happening to their baby.. but he ‘trusted’ Siri enough to take care of him. For the most part anyway.

 

The younger of the two licked his lips, once again uncomfortable with being in the room. He wasn’t sure why.. he was in the room with his kid and Akivya- two people he should definitely be able to trust. Akivya.. Akivya was the nicest of the entire group, it wasn’t very likely that he was going to bite his head off like the other two would..

 

“Y-you guys..” he rubs his throat, unable to make anything that resembled a complete sentence. “Eylem.. that’s.. th-that’s a nice name.”

 

“It was Keon’s choice,” Akivya murmured with a soft smile playing on his thin lips, looking down at the baby in his arms. “He… we thought it suited them. They're such a beautiful baby… I expected them to look more like you than me. You can tell though- they have your cheekbones. And their skin’s a little darker, like yours.” he laughed, almost too lightly to be heard. “You'd be a good father, Siri. I think… I want them to know you. Is that alright?”

 

Akivya shut his eyes briefly, lying back against the thin pillows, pressing another kiss to the baby's head. Cooing at them lightly, watching their eyes brighten, it was a relief when they grew quiet. “You're such a pretty baby,” he murmurs again. “So smart, too…” his eyes flit up to meet Siri’s, questioning. “I thought… I just… did you wanna talk? About everything…? You… I thought you could decide their gender, actually. Since they're ambiguous and all. Sugarmuffin? You okay with that?”

 

“I.. um,” he tried to smile, a light blush covering his face as he looked back down at Eylem’s too small body. “Yuki.. Yuki said that he always wanted a boy- I-I don’t.. um, Eylem.. it’s a nice girl’s name, r-right? Eylem- a sweet little girl.”

 

Siri brings his down to Eylem’s hands, wrapping his thumb and pointing finger around them until he can feel her touching him back. Eylem mewls, her eyes barely reaching his blinking at him slowly. He smiles- looking back up at Akivya. “I-I really don’t like kids.. you know? T-they’re.. loud, hard to handle, too delicate. Yu-Yuki- d-d-did he ev-ever try to con-convince you to have them before.. _this?_ ” He rubs a hand through his long black hair, annoyed when he comes past a knot. “He.. he tried to hint a lot about them after you left.. he really liked the idea, I don’t really know why. Yuki.. he-he knew I never wanted them..”

 

Glancing back down, he can feel the blush growing on his face. It felt too awkward being this close to Akivya.. like they weren’t allowed to even be able to touch each other, much less talk about raising a kid together. If they didn’t have Yuki to have them meet, he doubted that either of would even give the other the time of day. Before Yuki.. he was a lowly little street performer that sucked off the paying just for a cup of coffee. Fuck- he hadn’t even had a house to live in, Yuki took him in just for the price of companionship. In a way, he was eternally grateful for Yuki to have found him.. even if- if Yuki turned out to be a bit of a dick. That part didn’t matter that much to him though- Siri could fix him. Somehow. He had a heart: one that just showed up in better circumstances.. he was lovely and loving when he was happy.

 

“I-I wish you hadn’t have left,” Siri looked back up to him, aware that he had now sat close enough to him that he could be sitting in his lap. “T-the house.. it doesn’t feel as nice as it did without you. Yuki.. Yuki isn’t as happy without you there- in his own way, weird as it usually is, I think he-he does miss you, Akivya.” Licking his lips, he flinched when he saw the concerned look on his face. But he continued, “I-I miss you. A-alot.. I.. I think we could’ve made it work- Ey-Eylem, she.. she would’ve been happy with us, right?”

 

And without another thought, Siri leaned in to Akivya’s face, kissing the side of his lips before gradually feeling Akivya moving just enough to they were able to lock each other’s lips together in full. It felt.. wrong, once again.

 

He doesn't know why it almost hurts to hear Siri say that- that he misses him, that Yuki misses him, that… that Akivya was the reason they'd been happy. It hurts because he misses them too, in a way, feeling almost lost and overwhelmed without the support they'd once given him. Akivya remembers those cold winters when he'd cuddled up against their sides with a blanket and Siri had kissed his forehead and Yuki whispered sweet promises to the both of them… he remembers knitting them scarves, almost awfully, and the way they smiled at him and thanked him even when he had to be the worst tailor in the world.

 

But he also remembers the way Yuki hit him and degraded him, calling him filthy and easy and desperate, saying he was a whore, that he was lucky Yuki even loved him… and Akivya knows it wouldn't have worked. As many good memories as there were, there were even more worse ones… Eylem wouldn't have had a good life.

 

He doesn't know why he's suddenly kissing Siri again, because it's only a reminder of things he's ruined and mistakes he's made and a child that may never know both their parents… but it's almost nice, the way Siri slides his tongue into Akivya's mouth like they could devour each other and the way Akivya forces their lips together further, still cradling their baby between them as he steadies himself against the pillows.

 

“Siri,” he breathes, softly, lips pursing as he looks up at the younger man, almost nervously. “I- I didn't want kids either… but it would've been a mistake not to have Eylem. I'm glad that you're the father. N-not Yuki. He… he kept trying to get me… to make me… wanted them so bad, but they aren't suited to that lifestyle. I… I wanna love my tiny bunbun. I'll love my little girl more than anyone… but I'm gonna die, Siri…”

 

“D-don’t say that,” Siri curls his fists into his shirt, bringing him closer until he can feel Eylem’s head in his chest. “Y-you’re not.. no- not for awhile.. I-I can’t- Eylem.. _Keon._ You’re.. you’re gonna be here for awhile.. I-I can see it, you know?” He looks back down to Eylem, licking his lips before bending down to gently take them from Akivya’s arms. “Eylem.. she’s gonna grow up with a mommy.. and a daddy.”

 

He glanced up to see Akivya’s expression, hesitating to say anything more. “Y..you’re doing a lot better than you did when you got here. When I last saw you.. I-I think.. you’re gonna be okay for awhile. Eylem.. Eylem is gonna see you with hair, be able to take them places, see you and Keon marry if you want to.. They’re gonna have a nice life with you.”

 

The door opens before he can get out the final words - _‘please don’t make the same mistakes my parents did’_ \- revealing the two male’s others. Keon looked at them, almost accusingly, before softening his face when his eyes settled on Eylem. He almost bolted to her, wrapping his arms around her protectively, placing gentle kisses to her nearly bald hairline. At the sudden commotion, she wiggled in discomfort, babbles of anger erupting from her into it settled into a piercing scream.

The scream startled Akivya out of his thoughts almost immediately, sitting forward and reaching his arms out to his daughter, almost on the verge of tears when he saw Yuki rushing forward. Keon seemed to get the hint, helping lift the baby back into her mother’s arms until Akivya could pull Eylem against his shoulder, propping her head against it and rubbing her back gently. Soft whispers escaped his mouth, ‘shh’ing noises as he continued to run his fingers over her head gently, pulling her closer still.

 

The way she quieted was almost magical- seeming to ease the tensions in the already stressful situation. Akivya gave a glance up to the others, saying softly, “She… she needs sleep, alright…? I-I don’t want to make her upset… not this young. She’s already so confused… you can see in her eyes. She’s so smart- I think she knows everything that’s going on already… it’s not going to make the situation any better having us all here like this… I think you should get a nurse, Siri… you and Yuki don’t really need to be here today,” he finished, breathing heavily.

 

The second he can feel Eylem being pulled from his arms, still quiet, he’s falling backwards and grasping for Keon, trying to pull his lover closer, entirely too exhausted even though it’s barely been a half hour or so… the sight of Yuki, of Yuki and Keon glaring at each other, of Keon and Siri both looking at her so longingly and the constant scolding that seemed to erupt from Yuki’s mouth whenever he touched his daughter… it was too much. It was too much, and Akivya just wanted to lie down and go back to sleep, the aching in his abdomen still not having dissipated.

 

“Ke-Ke…” he murmurs, softly, pulling him closer. “Please- I… I need you, sugarplum… we need to… to figure everything out for the next few days… are you… okay?”

 

“Are you?” Keon could only stare back at him, brushing the scarf away from his head more, cradling the side of his jaw. He glanced down to Eylem’s disturbed body resting in Yuki’s arms, ready to take her far away from her rightful parents. Keon hugged his lover’s body closer to him, massaging his back with his palms until he can settle him back down onto the pillow. “Lay down for me, please..”

 

Keon stands to his full height, glaring at the both of them the best he can before saying, “Both of you need to leave now. Siri.. please- go and find a nurse so we can feed our daughter. She’s barely seventeen hours old, she needs time to bond with us before either of you really need to.” He presses Akivya’s head to his chest further, not letting him look at the almost insulted glare that the older asian man was giving them both, turning away from them both just enough so that he was facing his back to them. “Yuki.. give us back our baby-”

 

“I don’t appreciate being talked to like this,” Yuki snaps back, drawing a murmured pule from Eylem. He sighed, caressing the child’s arm before very deliberately kissing the bridge of her nose and whispering, “There, there, little one.. Daddy will be back soon- he won’t forget about you any time soon.”

 

Hesitantly handing the child back to him, Yuki turned and nodded to Siri- of which the man stood from his seat and nodded back almost terrified, ready to do what he asked. “Well, go on, Siri.. find a nurse so my daughter can be fed.” Yuki paused for a moment, glancing back to the curled up couple on the bed before adding, “Tomorrow. We’ll be back with our lawyer, Akivya. Be ready- we’re not leaving tomorrow without custody being discussed.”

 

Siri flinched at his words, turning back to them to mumble an apology and a goodbye- very quickly leaving the room to do what he’s been told.

 

He doesn’t want to respond- hell, he isn’t even sure what he’d say if he did. All Akivya can do is clutch the fabric of Keon’s shirt, his knuckles all but turning white as he tried to keep the younger man as close to him as possible. He doesn’t want to respond, because all it’ll do is make things worse in the long run and _he can’t have my baby girl, Eylem is ours, fuck Yuki, fuck him-_

 

He looks up to Keon, barely pressing his lips against his lover’s as he hears the door swinging open again, before a thought suddenly hits him and he almost pulls away from Keon. “I told you two to get the nurse for me…” Akivya started, quietly, but shrugs it off in favor of holding the blonde man even more tightly than before, almost wanting to ask Keon to lie down with him after the nurse comes.

 

He wants to tell Yuki to go fuck himself because he’s never done anything to deserve a child- maybe he took Akivya in, gave him a way off the streets, made sure he had some place to live, paid for the medical bills… but he also insulted him, humiliated him, treated him like a child… Yuki didn’t love him or Siri. And- and he wasn’t going to love Eylem either.

  
So she couldn’t go with them. She had to be with the family that she needed, someplace full of light and joy and warmth. He and Keon were already more of a family than he and Yuki and Siri ever were- they needed their little girl. They needed everything to be… to be perfect for her. Because she deserved so much more than this- she deserved the world, and even if her mommy wasn’t there to give it to her, she’d at least have a daddy who would.

 

* * *

 

He felt like he was going to scream, the entirety of his throat going dry, almost as though his mouth was parched, before bile began to crawl up his windpipe like acid had been poured into his body. He could barely do anything but stare at the letter for a good, few minutes before giving a glance back to the man asleep in the chair beside him. A part of Akivya just wants to talk to him, to wake him up, cry on his shoulder- but that would be selfish.

 

It would be selfish… because it’s his husband and his baby and his entire fault that Keon’s had to deal with all of this. In a sense, Akivya wonders if Keon would’ve felt better- been happier- otherwise… if he had just died before Keon could get attached to him, if he hadn’t given birth to a fucking kid, if things were more simple, because the entire world was going to shit and it was nobody’s fault but his.

 

Nobody deserved to be stuck dealing with the mess that he’d made, something that was so impossibly fucked in a way that was nearly indescribable that he couldn’t put it into words. And he doesn’t even know how to stay positive, because he’s ruined everything, ruined his marriage and his baby’s first few days, maybe their life… and his own health… and Keon’s wellbeing.

 

When Keon finally blinks his eyes open, he can’t even get words out- all he can do is shut his eyes, whisper the other’s name for a few brief seconds… and then cry. Tears are leaking, spilling, bubbling over and echoing through the room without an escape and he doesn’t understand why he’s fucked everything up, he just knows he has, and he doesn’t deserve Keon, just like he didn’t deserve Yuki and Siri.

 

“I-I’m sorry.”

 

Keon doesn’t hesitant to go by his side, forcing him to look at him while embracing him as tight as he possibly could, rocking back and forth as he let the older boy wail on his shoulder. It broke his heart, damn near killed him to watch his lover just… just break down completely over something he had no idea about. The past year had probably been the hardest year of his life, what with dealing with a pregnancy and a divorce from some sociopathic husband and the cancer, he wasn’t surprised to see him so distraught.

 

“Hey, don’t.. don’t apologize, Aki.. you have no reason to, really,” he pressed his lips against his forehead and tore the scarf from his head to brush his open palm against his small stubbled hair. “You’re so beautiful, Akivya, I love you so much.. pl-please, nothing you’ve done since I’ve met you has been wrong. I promise you..”

 

He glances towards the pen that held their baby who was sound asleep, wanting to just shove Eylem in Akivya’s face and scream at him that _he’s perfect; their baby is perfect, they’re perfect; soon he’ll be divorced from Yuki who’ll get nothing, no custody agreement will be made because I won’t let it, and they’ll live together forever and raise their baby girl together like a real family would._ But he couldn’t even force himself to do that.

 

Instead, he moved his chin up, kissing away his tears and caressing his cheek so softly he wonders if he’s actually touching him or not. “I love you, Akivya; you’re my life. You and Eylem.. I want you to always be here with me. D-don’t think about the future.. don’t think about Siri or Yuki or of any other bullshit. Just.. Just think of us, here, right now. Baby Eylem asleep, us holding each other.. Nothing else- just us right now.”

 

He doesn’t want to ruin it- doesn’t want to ruin whatever thoughts Keon’s built up about him in his head, the way they were so perfect together, doesn’t ever want Keon to stop holding him or push him away… Akivya doesn’t know how much it would hurt, but he feels almost like he’d die if Keon ever… if he ever decided that he didn’t want him. And maybe it was bad, because he’s spent his entire life trying to please people who threw him aside like trash or just used him as a fuckbuddy for one night and left him on the streets the next. And Keon isn’t like that- won’t leave him, won’t just… be disappointed by him, force him to prove himself, call him trash, think he’s disgusting… would he?

 

Akivya thinks he’s just scared- scared that Keon isn’t going to want him anymore, the same way Yuki had hardly wanted him, thinking of him as a priority and a charity case rather than a partner. His biggest fear is… is leaving that impression on Keon and on Eylem and on anyone who could possibly care about him, because he’s going to die soon, and he doesn’t want their last memory of him to be so… negative.

 

So he cries. He cries until he can’t stand it anymore and Keon’s gentle touches and feathery kisses are the only thing he can feel, until he can hear Eylem’s soft breathing and look up at the sad smile worn on Keon’s face. Briefly, and incredibly gently, Akivya presses his lips against the younger man’s, offering a tiny, half-quirk of the lips as he does so, his breathing heavier than before, almost husky. “K-Keon… I just… I’m scared that you… that you’re not gonna want me, bunbun.” He takes a deep breath. “Yuki… h-he wants to file a lawsuit, and… I know he’s gonna bring up how we met… and I don’t want it to… t-to ruin things, you know, baby? I just don’t- fuck, I love you, you’re my honeybun, Keon, please…”

 

“W-we.. we have blackmail on him. Baby.. S-Siri.. he’d tell the judge or jury of whoever listens to it that he abused you- a-and he would surely do the same thing to Eylem. W-we can take care of him.. I-I can do whatever I can do to make sure our baby stays with us..” Keon trails off, trying to keep his voice calm and low as to not wake the baby and to calm down Akivya. He takes a breath. “H-how.. how did the two of you meet, Akivya.. I-I won’t.. judge you.”

 

He really means it because.. well, everyone in the world has a story and no one is really innocent. Some people fucked other people for money, others did some..things to keep alive. It wasn’t really his place to judge anyone.. afterall, he tried to commit suicide not too long ago. Nothing Akivya can really do, or has done, will ever really shock him or make him hate him. He doubted that anyone else would either- Yuki being an abusive asshole had to be worse than whatever his past included.

 

He doesn’t want to say- doesn’t want to open his mouth to say a single thing, because the memories will start piecing together and words will start falling out of it and his head’s going to just cave in from the sheer weight of it all. But then Akivya looks up at Keon’s face- so unassuming, even uncaring, genuine, and he knows. He knows that… that Keon loves him, that he’s not gonna judge him, that they- that they’re each other’s now.

 

And so he inhales, sharply, and just says a single, simple sentence. “Yuki and I… we met in a love hotel.” He almost doesn’t want to say anything else, his throat closing up as he attempts to go on, casting a glance over to Eylem every few seconds, before continuing, softly, “I-I wasn’t even trying to make money… I just slept with them and if I was nice, they’d let me stay there or back at their place for a few hours, that’s all… I mean, I was a dropout… and I-I didn’t have the credit to get a job or anything… I just kinda… drifted? And then Yuki was there and… I don’t know why I thought he could help me, because he was practically twice my age, b-but… he took me in. And… I guess that the arguments were better because he didn’t kick me out? But… I’ve never really been able to take care of myself… s-so he’s gonna try and get Eylem because… because I’m useless.”

 

“H-he came to _you,_ Akivya.. h-he’s no better than you..” Keon takes his hand into his, stammering out, “Y-Yuki.. he-he- he won’t get custody of the baby- _our baby._ ”

 

Keon got up from his spot, making his way over to where Eylem laid, and picked her up gently. Careful not to wake her, he kissed the top of her head and returned to his spot. He looked back up to Akivya in a quiet tone. “She’s ours.. Siri would testify for us, the nurses that promised to keep him out.. they would all help us keep our baby. Nothing can stop us from leaving the country and taking the baby, you know?”

 

“Ke-Ke…” he murmurs, softly, almost under his breath as he raised his head so he could look at his lover’s face. His eyes seemed more tired than before, rimmed red as if the lack of sleep had finally caught up with him… it almost hurt for Akivya, to think that Keon was only this way because of him, that he would’ve been sleeping if it hadn’t been for him and Eylem. He almost wants to apologize, again, but at the look Keon gives him, he just presses his lips against the younger’s, taking a deep breath.

 

“I- yes. We… we don’t have to… to stay here, right? You and me… we can… we can leave, sugarplum, right? Just run away… from Yuki and all the pain and hatred and just be happy. You and me and our tiny bunbun. Our baby girl. You… w-we can just… we’ll figure it out, right? Even though… I don’t know if I’ll last long without treatment… and I’m not that smart, and just… you- you’d have to do a lot, and I don’t know if we can… I just… I wanna get away from this.”

 

“We… we can figure it out, we can, Aki.. F-fuck.. we just need.. need a sympathetic person to get us a ticket, and.. and I can get us transfered, maybe? I don’t know if that’s how it works or not, but… I-I won’t let Yuki or Siri take our baby- she’s going to be raised by us. Forever. No one can take her away from us.. we’re not incompetent, we’re better parents than anyone else. T-the courts… they’d know for a fact that Yuki would be a god awful parents and that we’d be perfect to raise our baby girl.”

 

Keon turned away from him, turning his attention to the stirring newborn in his arms. No one could take Eylem away from him, he was always going to protect her. His thoughts quickly went to Vita, when his mom took her in after his aunty died, and he said the same thing to her. He tried to protect her, to keep her away from drugs and abusive assholes much like Yuki himself, but he can only remind himself about how hard he failed. Shacked up somewhere, if she was even alive or not, he couldn’t forget about all the times he’s had to bail her out of jail or go out looking for her because she’s passed out. This time, he told himself, he’d be able to shape and control Eylem.. he would keep them safe. Safe, happy, and loved.

 

“Siri.. do you think he’d get us plane tickets?”

 

That was a difficult question. Akivya couldn’t help thinking about back when Siri and he had… been living together. When Yuki was gone and they’d kiss, or cuddle, or talk for a few minutes about anything and everything… when they’d fuck before he came back, when Yuki had beaten them until he cried and Siri tried to calm him down… Siri had always been better at that than he was. Getting Yuki calm… but he was still scared.

 

He’d always been scared of Yuki, scared of what would happen if he left, of being thrown back on the streets… like Akivya, he hadn’t had anyone else. But… but Siri loved him, and there was a part of him that still loved Siri, even if he wasn’t sure how to say it. So Akivya doesn’t know if Siri would be able to do it… but for him… for Eylem…

 

“I think he would.”

* * *

 

Siri felt sick staring at the single image of Akivya’s face on the computer, not sure if it was because of what he was contemplating of doing would send him away forever or if it was the general feeling of missing him now. It hurt.. really bad, like a stabbing feeling that only got worse the longer he stared at his background picture. Akivya.. their baby, they’d be a million miles away if he really did buy plane tickets. Even if he wanted to tell himself not to do it- that he could convince Yuki to drop it and just work with a custody agreement, he felt like he’d be betraying Akivya’s trust in him if he just went back from his word now.

 

Besides.. Siri really doubted that he’d be able to control Yuki that well; he’d just end up getting upset with him, maybe hit him for bringing it up. It wasn’t fair, he deserved to be able.. no- he shouldn’t be fighting with himself over this right now. He knew that he’d never leave Yuki, not now. He loved him, was extremely devoted to him almost unhealthy for both parties, and had nowhere else to go if he actually did. Yuki was his life.

 

He felt Yuki stir next to him, a groan escaping his lips as he turned his back to him. Siri just wanted to shut the computer off and go back asleep, but he knew that he had to continue what he was doing and please Akivya. Give.. give Eylem a chance, not let her understand the fear of Yuki’s rage or know just the right words to calm him down and avoid getting hit. They deserved a life like that.. his kid did at least.

 

Looking back at the scream, he bit his lip and finished typing up the final remaining information that it needed. Life.. life would be better, he wanted to tell himself. Eylem would be safe and raised happily, and so would Keon and Akivya.. maybe one day, Siri could see his baby again- maybe one day in the future when they’re older. For now, he’s just going to have to try and enjoy whatever time they have together.

 

“I love you,” he lays back down, moving the computer onto the table next to him and turned over to pull Yuki closer to him. “Yuki? I love you… a lot.”

 

Yuki doesn’t reply to him- Siri’s not even sure he’s aware he’s speaking- but turns over, giving a half asleep smile to him as he lets Siri lay his head on his chest, placing a kiss on his chest before further burying himself into his chest. He wondered if Yuki would still love him- care for him- if he ever found out what he did.. the thought of him not almost made him want to cry. He didn’t want to lose his lover and his child all in such a short time period.

 

* * *

 

“I love you,” he murmured, looking down at the seemingly unaware, slowly blinking child held in his arms, wrapped in bundles of blankets. Time seemed to be moving so quickly- it had only been a few days, but Akivya already felt like Eylem had been with him forever. Was this what being a parent felt like? An odd sense of warmth in your chest whenever you looked at your kid? The way the thought of _that’s my baby girl- mine- my kid-_ only seemed to bring a smile to his face every time the thought crossed his mind?

 

It was something undeniably warm. Something Akivya hadn’t thought he’d ever be able to feel for someone- and yet here he was, and his daughter was in his arms, and she was so beautiful. The most beautiful baby in the world, and she was gonna be loved more than any other baby out there. By him and Keon. He was her mother- he was her mother and he wasn’t going to give that up unless he was absolutely forced to, and there was no way Yuki was going to get her and take all this away from him.

 

“How’s my little bunbun today?” He asked, waving the tip of his finger over her nose, pleased at the happy gurgle she omitted as he did so. Her cheeks were bright and pink… she looked healthier than when she was born. Healthier than he probably did, although that wasn’t a surprise. And she wasn’t gonna get sick, like he did. Ever. She couldn’t ever get sick. He just wanted her to be healthy and happy and protected and…

 

Raising his eyes, Akivya gave a glance to the man looking out the window, staring with such an intensity that he almost wanted to go over and take a look himself. It was a few seconds before Keon looked away, back to him, and Akivya grinned almost automatically. Keon… he looked… peaceful. It was odd, considering how much stress everyone had been under lately, but it was nice- he wanted him to feel that way. As often as possible.

 

“Ke-Ke?” the older man finally asked, looking back down at Eylem as he shifted her so she was pulled to his chest, head resting on his shoulder, before pausing and licking his lips. “Do… do you think Eylem would like a brother or sister? Do you… would you wanna have a family like that? Make it bigger and bigger and happier and full of so much love you can’t stand it? I-I think she’d like it, don’t you? Maybe… maybe when she gets a little older. Later, you know? We- we’d be good parents. Not just to her, but to anything that comes after… if… if I’m still around, and all.”

 

“T-that.. that could kill you, Aki… a-and.. I want to have you here with me and Ey as long as I can, babe. P-please, don’t.. don’t do anything that would permanently take you away from me faster.”

 

Keon bit his lip, reaching out until his pointing finger was pressing Eylem’s face. He wondered if Eylem thought the same way as he did- wanting to be a single child if it would mean that she could see her mother for a longer time, healthy and happy. Not sickly and decaying with a sibling that she would end up resenting for shortening their mother’s life… he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to raise that child if it helped sped up their lifeline. It’d bring up too many emotions and memories, reminding him everyday that his lover wasn’t here with him. Of course.. he’d never admit this to Akivya, it’d hurt them if he said it.

 

“I-I… want you here as long as possible, Eylem needs to be with her mommy as long as possible too.. W-we.. can adopt? Or I can knock someone up, someone that looks just like you.”

 

Akivya frowned, sitting down on the bed and leaning back enough that he was staring up at Keon, Eylem’s head still pressed against his shoulder, his hand rubbing over their back carefully, patting whenever the girl emitted a soft cry. “It’s not the same, Keon, I-I…” he pauses, sucking in a breath as he closes his eyes enough to focus. It’s dark, behind his eyelids, so dark he feels like he’s drowning, and he almost doesn’t want to respond when he hears Keon’s voice again.

 

Akivya blinks back tears, eyelids fluttering as he tries to get enough of a grip on himself to choke out the words without stuttering, “I just wanna make you happy, bunbun… I… I don’t feel like… like I’m g-good enough for you, you know? I thought… I thought that maybe if… I don’t know, Keon. I’m sorry, baby. Ey-Eylem needs me more.”

 

“You… you already make me happy, Akivya. Everything you do, from the way you breath to how you hold our baby makes me ecstatic to be alive.” Keon tries not to show the slight shake of his voice, flinching almost. “I love you, Akivya.. nothing you do will make me think any less of you, not in this lifetime.”

 

Keon bit his lip against, wrapping his arms around Akivya to kiss his lips before looking away. “T-there’s… _a lot_ of things that you should be thinking lowly of me about… but you don’t, so why.. why should I do it to you? Of all people.. Y-you.. don’t deserve to be thought lowly of. You’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, the strongest and the bravest too. Aki, I love you. And I want to be with you forever. Until the end of time, really.”

 

Returning his gaze downwards, he pressed a kiss to the back of her head and smiled. “Eylem deserved to be with you too. To learn how to say her mommy’s name, walk or crawl to her mommy.. talk about how she loves her mommy more than her daddy. I-I don’t think she’d mind being an only child if it meant being able to spend more time with her mommy.. might even prefer it. You won’t have a lot of time to make her scarves and blankets.”

 

The last part caused a short, almost unheard laugh to escape from the older man’s lips, looking back up to Keon until he can meet the other’s eyes, search for any hint of falseness, anything that wasn’t honest… but there was nothing there but affection. Even admiration. Akivya almost didn’t know what to do with it, simply sitting there, bouncing Eylem in his arms until he saw her let out a tiny, almost cat-like yawn that only served to make him smile.

 

“Keon…” he says, softly, trailing off. “I-I don’t know how I managed to end up with you… h-how I deserve you, but… I’m happy that you’re mine. I’m happy you’re here with me, and with Eylem, like a real family… she’s gonna love her daddy so much, I already know. The way she gripped your finger the other day… I can just tell. She loves you so much, Ke-Ke… she’s your tiny bunbun too.”

 

He smiled at Keon, standing up and leaning forward until he can press a soft kiss to the younger’s lips, before slowly walking over to the crib and setting Eylem down inside it. She looked up at him, cutely, her eyes already close to shutting as she made a tiny noise of happiness, reaching a hand out that Akivya grabbed hold of with his finger. “Hey, sweet girl… you’re okay. Go to sleep, my baby… mommy and daddy will be here when you wake up.”

 

His eyes refocused on Keon, standing only a short ways away, before he pressed a kiss to Eylem’s forehead and walked over to him, smiling. “How’s my darling Keon doing? You look so tired, sweetie… we should get some sleep.”

 

Keon nodded, letting his lips tug upwards into a tight smile as he let himself be taken to the bed and wraps his arms around him, pulling him close until Akivya’s head is rested warmly into his stomach. He sighed, letting Akivya stir in his chest almost affectionately, pressing his nose into his growing hair, breathing in his scent. For once, he felt completely at peace. Feeling Akivya move around his chest, rubbing his face against his chest and kissing him, Eylem’s light snores and the complete silence.. it was perfect. He doubted he’d get one of these a lot, but.. after all of this, all of the bullshit neither of them needed- it made him feel a lot better. Keon wanted this so much… it felt almost wrong to desire it as much.

 

“Akivya,” he finally said after several long moments of silence, looking down at the man rested on his chest. His hand tangled around his hospital robe, hugging him closer to his chest. “Do.. do you think it’s always going to be like this? So… so-so.. _stressful_? With Yuki breathing down our necks like we’re trying to kill our baby, doctors and nurses fussing constantly because they think we’re as breakable like glass.. the feeling like we’re useless?”

 

Licking his lips, he paused just for a moment to hear Akivya whispering his name before stopping him short. “I.. I’m not fit to be Eylem’s daddy, not fit for you to love or even know you… W-when I got here, a-after I tried.. tried to off myself be..because of what Everett did..” he stops, closing his eyes in an attempt to block the tears from falling. It stopped them, but he knew a few loud sniffles forced him to release a few dripping down his face. “I never.. I never thought that- that I’d.. I’d find someone as amazing as you.. or well, anyone. Y-you.. you mean the world to me, you know?”

 

He ran a hand through his thick hair, trying to control the audible crack in his voice. “Fuck.. I’m sorry, Aki.. I really love you- a-and I hope that.. that Siri.. he does come through for us, I.. I want things to be different, completely different. I.. I want to make things right- make you and our baby perfect.. for our life to be completely.”

 

Before he can continue, there’s a knock on the door and the quiet cursing of someone trying to open the door. Watching as the door slowly revealed them, Keon sat up and licked his lips. He really wasn’t prepared to talk to Yuki right now.. didn’t want them to ruin their moment or make Akivya upset.. Once he realized who it was, a small smile appeared on his face and he hugged Akivya’s body closer to him.

 

Siri.. he actually came through for them.

 

“I-I..” Siri brushed his thin fingers through his thick black hair, swallowing loudly. He was felt too uncomfortable watching them curled up on the bed, like he was intruding on them and they really didn’t want him near them right now. Trying to focus his attention solely on the fussing newborn, he bent down and picked her in his arms, placing a kiss on her pale forehead. It seemed to calm her down slightly, enough for her whines to go completely silent but not enough to stop her stiring.

 

She really did seem to look like him, but he could see so many of Akivya’s features already forming on her face. Her eyes were as bright and doe-like, so much like Akivya’s, but her cheekbones already almost bruised how nice they were compared to his. She was going to be so beautiful when she’s older, he couldn’t wait until she was..

 

“I-it.. took a lot, I-I ended up doing it last night,” he finally forced himself to say, completely aware of the fact that he was embracing Eylem so tight that she was whining in protest. Releasing her, he bit his lip and continued, “S-sorry for taking a while..”

 

Walking over to them, he took out a crumpled stapled set of papers from his pocket and gave it to them. Caressing the back of the girl’s head, he gave a quick intake of breath. “Y-Yuki.. he doesn’t know, promise.”

 

Akivya couldn’t prevent the way his breath came out- almost intensely labored, sharp intakes of air as he looked up to Siri’s face and then to the tickets that were now grasped tightly in Keon’s hands, his fingers curling around the paper like a lifeline as the other hand pulled Akivya tighter against his chest.

 

He let his eyes flit to Eylem, held tightly in Siri’s arms, almost surprisingly so, as she gave slight whines of discontent, her hand pressing into Siri’s cheek in anger. For a moment, Akivya wanted to pull away from Keon, demand that she be put back to sleep, but… this could be the last time Siri saw his daughter. Their daughter. And she needed to know her real daddy- he wanted Eylem to know him so badly- as well as Keon.

 

So he just relaxed into his lover’s embrace and looked up at Siri and mouthed a soft, “Honeybun… Siri… I-I don’t wanna leave you alone with him… y-you need to know your daughter. I-I don’t wanna take her away from you, I just…” he looked back at Keon, almost desperately, to see the pained expression etched across his face and the downcast look of Siri’s and he just breathes out, “Siri… I- we love you. You… we love you, so much. It’s… it’s going to be a miracle, to get away from Yuki… for me. You have to know how much you mean to me.”

 

“I-I… _can’t_.”

 

And like that, Siri's lost for words, unable what to say. "Akivya.. Yuki, he.. he can't be alone. He's... old and sick and.. he really does love me, Really, Aki.. he-he needs someone to watch over him, I can't just leave him while he's like this.."

 

Taking a breath, he chews on his lip as he stares down at his daughter, fingers loosely wrapping around the button of his shirt and closing her eyes. She was too precious.. he felt sick to his stomach about having to leave her, almost too willing to just.. just throw in the tall on Yuki and help raise his daughter, but he had to remind himself that Yuki didn't have long at all, perhaps an even shorter time than Akivya actually did. He had to stay with his lover, Eylem would understand when she was a little older about how important it was that he did this. He hoped she did at least.

 

“Yuki needs me, Akivya..” he tries to plead to him, wiping away the tears that forced themselves in his eyes and turned away. “I love Eylem, I really do. Please, believe me on that.. I-if I didn’t.. if I didn’t know how much Yuki really need me, I wouldn’t stay with him- I’d raise our baby with you both, but.. h-he really does need me. I-I can’t just leave him to die alone, nothing in me will ever let me just do that.. H-he could’ve done that when we- _I_ \- was living on the streets, but he didn’t.. I want to be able to return his kindness- leave him equally repaid.”

 

It feels like he’s said these words so many times, told himself it and others so many times that it almost doesn’t actually seem real anymore. “I love Yuki, Aki.. a-and I love Eylem, both of them so much.. p-please.. I don’t want either of them out of my life, and I don’t want to choose.. I-I have to live with the fact that I either abandon Yuki and raise my daughter with so much guilt I’ll never know what to do with, or stay with Yuki till he dies and never see Eylem for God knows how long, she might not even remember me..”

 

He pauses for a moment, trying to comfort the now crying girl is his arms as he tries to pull himself back together. It’d been too long since things felt.. fuck- normal, okay. _Fine._ Everyday just felt like he was being built and knocked down, never allowed a moment of happiness without someone stripping it away from him.

 

Siri’s been homeless for three years after falling into massive debt after college, an orphan after his parents disowned him after drunkenly come out as being gay a little bit before his first year of college, beaten by his lover so many fucking times that he bruised _his fucking kidney_ , forced to watch his other lover die from cancer… And now he was going to lose his daughter.

 

Life just seemed too cruel and unusually harsh for him.

 

“I-I’m sorry.”

 

He didn’t want to say he understood- not even as he watches Siri set Eylem back down in her crib, pull the blanket back over her and smile the most pained smile Akivya thinks he’s ever seen. He barely blinks before Siri’s walking through the door, shutting it behind him quietly, barely making a sound- as if he wasn’t there at all.

 

He presses his face into Keon’s chest again, wrapping arms around him so tightly he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to let go, not unless he’s pried away, but he needs Keon too much for that. He needs to see him smile, needs to hear him talk, needs to feel the warmth of his body against his… he needs to be there and watch Keon raise their baby, wants to watch him be a dad because he knows how good he’ll be at it.

 

It’s not fair for Siri to be so cast out like this, unable to do anything about his situation, stuck with their husband who did little more than scold people and beat them up if they fucked up too bad. Akivya was beyond sick of it, knew Siri had to be too, because he didn’t deserve that and he deserved to escape and see his daughter and be with them, but… Akivya just wants him to be happy and he’s so far from it it’s practically unbearable.

 

“I’m sorry too,” he murmured against Keon’s skin, his hands tightly bundled in the fabric of the younger man’s shirt, pushing his chin against Keon’s shoulder until he can bury his face into the other’s neck. There are warm, salty tears leaking down his face that he can taste on his tongue, almost too much to bear, his eyes shutting briefly as he let out a somewhat hollow whimper. He didn’t know what to feel anymore, be happy or sad, he just knew that everything was hurting and it felt awful.

 

“Ke-Ke… never leave me, bunbun?”

 

Keon cradled the back of his head, letting the man completely breakdown in his arms as he pulled him closer into his tight embrace. "Never-" he pressed a kiss to his forehead, letting his lips linger on his forehead as Akivya continued to cry on his shoulder. "Siri... he's made his bed, and he's going to have to lay in it. Hopefully he'll wake up from his delusion soon.. for you and Eylem."  
  
He felt bad for not being able to say anything else, unsure if what he wanted to say would make the boy even more upset or not. "Siri... he loves the both of you, that's obvious. He'll come back for the both of you. Until then, Aki, we need to focus on ourselves. Focus on getting Eylem away from Yuki, us being happy and healthy together.. just us and our baby"  
  
For a second, he looks back at the door as if expecting someone to come in and it'll come out as being Yuki or a doctor that is gonna tell them that their baby is dying of cancer or that Akivya's cancer is getting worse than ever and he only has a little bit of time left.. he almost smiles when the door doesn't open. Keon worries for their future together, constantly terrified that something bad is going to end up happening, and they're gonna end up with one less baby or parent in their little family. Akivya's cancer could wipe him out, Eylem could be one of the unlucky kid's that get SIDS or whatever, and Keon.. Keon'd be completely alone without his baby or lover.  
  
"I love you, Akivya.. you and Eylem, I'll do whatever I can do to make everything perfect for you both.”

 

* * *

 

He doesn't quite know why it's been this long- why he's alive. Maybe it's a miracle, because they said he had a year and now it's been more than that, but he isn't sure. All he knows is that his life feels meaningful, and he'd never felt that before. He doesn't know if it's Keon or Eylem or Yuki being gone... maybe all three.

 

But he think it's Keon more than anything. The way he smiles and cries and looks at him. The sounds he makes when he's asleep and the feel of Akivya's head resting against his chest and the soft kisses they pressed to each other's lips at night... the way he loves him so much he thinks his chest will burst. And maybe that's why he's alive- love. Because he lives Keon more than he thought anyone could love another person.

 

Which is why he's waiting for Keon the minute the younger man steps into his room, arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer so Akivya can stand on his toes and kiss his lips. He looks... happy. Surprisingly so, and it only causes the older to grin and pull him closer still. He's wearing a pink scarf and beanie today and there's a blue scarf around Keon's neck and it may be the best sight Akivya's ever had. They're beautiful together- like a real couple. Which, he supposes, they officially are. Without Yuki around... he wants to marry Keon. He doesn't know if the other feels the same way, but...

 

"Ke-Ke. I missed you- you look so nice today. I knew you'd like the scarf. And we're pink and blue!" He pauses, taking a deep breath. "Um... I wanted to say happy birthday. And so did Eylem. I got us a cake to celebrate! And... I dunno. I love you, sweettart." Keon looks utterly confused, especially when Akivya pulls him back onto the bed with a smile. "You didn't forget, did you?"

 

Keon really wished he could. He always hated his birthday- his memories were always the same, being given a shitty cake by his mom and Vita, smelling of cigarette smoke and burnt. Presents a dollar or obviously second hand from one of his cousins or even from a yard sale, he also couldn't name a single birthday that didn't end up in a screaming match between his mom and one of her numerous boy toys. He wished that he could erase any trace of his birth date from people's minds, but he doubted anyone would ever let him get away with that. "How could I forget, Aki.."

 

He tried to force himself to smile wider, look happy for their baby and Akivya, But the task was almost impossibly hard and annoying to do, making it look like it was obvious pain. The look on Akivya's face made it too obvious, confused and almost hurt, causing Keon to feel even worse for making him upset. Leaning to kiss his face, he tried to smile for real. "I'm sorry, baby... T-thank you for remembering me, you're too sweet.. you really didn't need to remember, really, Aki."

 

Letting himself melt into Akivya's embrace, he sighed. Maybe this year would be different.. with Akivya, everyday felt amazing, especially now that they had their baby together. He wanted to believe, but his heart and the faint memories of every birthday ending awfully kept telling differently. Flinching with regret of thinking this, he released his grip on the man and made his way towards Eylem's crib and pick her up from it.

 

She looked up at him, making playful babbling noise as he wrapped her chubby fingers around the long pieces of blonde curls. "And to you too, Ey," he kissed her cheek, bouncing her up and down until she gave a happy shriek. "You and mommy are too nice to daddy."

 

Akivya’s lips twitched upward into a half-smile, a little amused at the comment. There was really no such thing as _too_ nice- especially when it came to Keon. Keon was basically the light of his life, and he’d been through more than he deserved, and… there was really no reason for Akivya not to be nice to him! Keon deserved the world and he was settling for him… and it was too much. It made the happiness bubble up in his chest, like an endless warmth that never left.

 

“I, uh…” he started, slipping some gloves over his hands as he looked up to Keon and smiled. “The nurses are gonna take care of Ey-bunny for awhile…” he trailed off, watching Keon’s eyebrow raise as if asking him to continue. Instead of speaking, Akivya leaned forward to grab Keon’s hand and pull him closer, tugging him over to the doorway.

 

“We’re going out today.” He tugged on Keon’s sleeve, looking up at him without blinking as he waited to gauge the other’s reaction- it was a funny look, surprise mixed with confusion, mixed with anxiety. Standing on his toes, Akivya pressed a kiss to Keon’s jaw before turning to open the door and pull him out into the hallway. “Cause you’re my gumdrop and we’re gonna celebrate you together. Because I love you~”

 

"I love you too," Keon chuckled, setting the newborn in the crib and following the man inside the hallway. He threw a cautious glance at their room, unsure if he should really be leaving Eylem all by herself.. who knew if Yuki was going to come in and just walk out with their baby. Still, he let the older man carry him through the hallway and through the typically locked doors for him and was hit with the harsh sunlight ray. He blinked, hissing, before smiling at Akivya the best he can.

 

"It feels... nice, you know?" he wrapped his arm around Akivya, bringing him to his chest as he sighed. The smile that appeared on the older man's face only made him blush lightly. He was too beautiful, too angelic for a man like him. "I love you, Aki.. forever, you're too perfect, fuck.. too perfect for me or Siri or Yuki.. we're all so fucked up a-and you're just not.."

 

He kisses his cheek, smiling as he sighed. "I need you so much.."

 

Akivya almost wants to blush, the way Keon's lips just barely grace his cheek and the things he kept saying... about... about how perfect he was? It almost felt too surreal- he'd never thought anyone would say those things about him, just... just love him the way Keon did, make him feel the way the younger man made him feel. He didn't really understand why the other thought so... highly of him. Yuki hadn't ever said stuff like this, or Siri, and- and they'd been together for years. Was it just... just Keon?

 

Maybe they really were meant to be together. More than anyone else- Keon loved him and he loved Keon.

 

"Ke-Ke..." he started, smiling as he turned around to face the younger man, gripping his hands tightly as he led him down into the small parking lot and turned around to walk in a straight line through the snow in the harsh glare of the sun. "You're never gonna be without me, Keon. I need you too! You're my bunbun and I wanna be your ray of sunshine. You, me and Ey-bunny... we're gonna be happy forever. And today... I just wanna show you. How much I love you. How you and me are beautiful together. Because without you... I don't know how I would've survived."

 

He didn't reply, spinning Akivya around until he's pressed up against the railing, his lips locking with his bottom lip. He tried to melt into him, pouring all the strength he had left in his body into the kiss, moaning as he felt Akivya's tongue trailing against the walls of his inner cheeks. The dark haired man's arms wrapped around his shoulders and then around the back of his head, fingers tightened against his light hair. It felt too nice, being able to be pressed against the man's chest without a single care in the world. Too perfect, like an angel that he didn't deserve..

 

Keon tries to ignore the coughing from the side of him, annoyed glares being thrown at him from an younger nurse passing them. It was a small price for this moment of complete bliss with his lover. Akivya.. even with the stares and whispers they were bound to get, he made it feel better one hundred percent. He wasn't sure how he did it, but he always seemed to manage to do it. For that, he'd always be grateful.

 

* * *

 

He hugged the small bundle closer to his chest, barely able to support Eylem in his arms as he leaned back against the bench. He was… he wasn’t… it didn’t feel right. He wasn’t even sure what they were _doing,_ much less whether or not it was the best decision. Yuki… Yuki would be showing up at the hospital now, looking for them, he was gonna beat Siri and scream at him and just make him feel like shit for something they hadn’t even deserved-!

 

The thought only made tears build in Akivya’s eyes, clinging to Eylem tightly as he attempted to calm her down through light breathing and soft murmurs- “I love you, Ey, it’s all gonna be okay, mommy’s gonna take care of you,”- as he shook, trying to figure out where Keon had gone. He was scared, and it was cold, and everything seemed like it was moving way too fast and they were about to hop on a train to god-knows-where and they didn’t have _anything._

 

Fiddling with the end of the red scarf wrapped around his head, fabric just barely falling over his shoulder, his eyes flitted around aimlessly, crossing his legs beneath the thin white skirt as an attempt to quell his shaking. Time seemed like it was passing too quickly- were they even going to make the train? Was Eylem going to cry a lot? They- they didn’t have anything to… to their names, even, he didn’t know what was going to happen. And Keon- he just seemed so okay with everything, like it was all gonna be okay, but _it wasn’t._

 

And then he’s feeling fingers gripping his arm and is looking up to see Keon standing there and manages to exhale, very nervously, allowing Keon to lift Eylem from his arms to hold her against his shoulder, looking down at him until Akivya can hardly stand it anymore and just bursts out crying because _he’s so scared_ and _what are we gonna do, Keon?_

 

Eylem stirs against him, ready to burst out crying herself, only to be soothed by Keon's comforting hand rubbing against her bald head, though still stirring against him uncomfortable with the loud sobs that was escaping their mother's lips. He... he just needed to calm her down, and then calm Akivya down- then he can guide them to their train, get to their hotel room, and start finding something, anything for the time being. Just needed them both to be strong for a little more and something good will finally happen for the three of this.

 

"Akivya," Keon wrapped his free hand around him, glaring at the onlookers who were giving him the nastiest of glares and judgment just steeping from them. What? Did they think he made him cry- no, he could never do that.. not in a million years, he'd never do that to the love of his life. "You're okay, baby.. just-just can you force yourself to come with me and sit on the train until we get to where... we need to be? Just for a few hours, please... we're so close, we just need to get to the hotel and we can start all over again."

 

He kisses his forehead, before letting himself drop and press his head against his skirt. Keon had never actually felt so weak before, not like this. It was different than when Everett had raped him and left him to die, when Yuki beat him up, or when he couldn't even see the baby being born because god knows what reasons. He.. he just wanted one good thing for them, something nice, something that wouldn't end up in horseshit. "D-don't think about.. about Yuki or Siri or anyone else, just.. think of us. Of me, you, and Eylem. In the future. She's just about to start kindergarten, she's crying because she doesn't want to leave her mommy.. w-we can't have that with Yuki in the picture, we can't have it.. we can only have it alone, just us. No one else."


End file.
